Conclamo Ludus

Baby & Bear: A Renewal of Vows

2006-10-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

The Chambers' Tie The Knot

Baby and Bear Chambers have officially tied the know. They had a beautiful ceremony in rural Walkerville, MI back on September 6th. The Chester Street Five were back together again to stand aside Baby on his special day. Bear looked stunning and Baby looked dashing as was expected. Although it is rumored that Baby & Bear have been married for a number of years, the reality is they were originally married by a riverboat ship captain, who turned out to not really be a ship captain making their marriage null & void in the eyes of the law. So they finally decided to do it on land and now by heaven and earth they are married.

It was a beautiful ceremony, location reminded me of the wedding in Robinhood: Prince of Theives. Although Sean Connery was not there, the minister "Lucky", as he is called, had equal gravitas.

Click here to see more photos from the wedding.

Conclamo Ludus - The F Word, Sex in Space, and Monkey Thugs

2006-08-12T17:02:00.000-04:00

August has flown by. Where did the summer go? Its almost time for another wedding. Next on the block is Baby and Bear Chambers. Technically they are renewing their vows, but they're doin' it in style. They have rented the entire town of Walkerville, MI for a weekend. All the usual hooligans will be there. No word yet on whether or not they are going to make Beam be the ring-bearer a la Meet-The-Parents.

In other news Domino now has his own website. He is working hard selling Xango and everlasting life. He passed a bottle to Madison and I a few weeks ago as a gift. It reminded me of that commercial from the "Just Say No" '80's campaign. Close-up of the drug dealer, "The first time its free, after that they have to pay." Xango is supposedly so healthy it may be dangerous. It can cure irritable bowel syndrome, rickets, jock-itch, most cancers, feelings of inadequacy, hunger, and possibly even death. If you are interested in becoming a wholesale pyramid-style distributor talk to Domino. He'll help get you started as long as you kick a couple points up to the boss.

Dr. T Berry Brazleton is hard at work in Iowa. He is still putting together one of his many side-projects with the help of his lovely wife. They are roasting coffee beans. I haven't tried any yet but I hear they've made some waves. The good Dr. has been making numerous trips down to his all ape-employed coffee plantation on an undisclosed island of the coast of Costa Rica to over-see the chimp training. The locals are starting to call it The Island of Dr. Brazleton. He's even got gorillas on horseback, Planet of The Apes style. They grow and harvest the beans and Doc pays them well. Its all Fair Trade and organic, hell most of the time the beans don't even touch "humon" hands until they reach you.

Time for the rest of the news:

Lingustics

In a new study in Linguistics, scientists have discovered that people can understand an entire film when the only word spoken is an expletive. Even if the movie is a complex plot-twisting character-driven comedy like The Big Lebowski. They edited together a version of The Big Lebowski in which the only word spoken is the ever-popular F word. Warning the following film contains lots of bad language. If you have kids nearby or are trying to watch it at work, please remember to have some manners and decency, you f-ing idiot.

Outer Space

So NASA has finally decided to take a serious look at having sex in space. Apparently it is a very complicated affair. In the Blog Transterrestrial Musings, blogger Rand Simberg shares his notes on the panel he attended on the subject. There are a number of ideas on the table to face some of the zero-g issues. My favorite line of the posting? "What happens in space, does not stay in space. People are closely monitored." They even came up with an official TLA (Three Letter Acronym) for the act ECA (Extra-Terrestrial Copulatory Activity). Science is so sexy. Check out the whole story here.

Also, if you haven't heard yet Pluto is no longer a planet. But it is still a dog. There are now only 8 planets after the International Astronomy Union destroyed it with their giant sword of semantics. Oh yes, their Death Star is fully operational.

And they found Dark Matter too! The concept of Dark Matter has been around for years but it always sounded like a scientific macguffin to explain things that scientists couldn't prove. This is big news. Its like discovering the tooth fairy creeping into your room at night.

Primatology

This is an unbeleivable story. Well its at least right up there with The Island of Doc Braz. A train company in India has essentially hired badass monkeys (langurs) to fight off the annoying monkeys who keep terrorizing the passengers. Apparently this is not unusual at all in India and they have langurs guarding other government buildings where monkeys have become a nuisance.

I bet this poor dog wishes it had some langur friends. Check out the short video below where we see a monkey bullying a dog. You can't make this stuff up. This is why I will never pay for cable television again. I'd much rather watch clips like this for free, than some commercial-laden prime-time reality-soap for $85.00 a month. Thank you internet. Enjoy:

The Shame!

2006-07-23T14:12:00.000-04:00

News

I am a shameful blogger. It has been over six months since my last post. Pathetic! But just when you thought I was going to fade away forever. I am back again to deliver a little piece of Conclamo Ludus back into the blogosphere. Now that I have officially lost all of my audience, and all of my corporate sponserships, and huge endorsement deals. I figure now I can get a fresh start again.

Conclamo Ludus is dead now as an orginization and we have been scattered across the map. We are a but a blip in the endless stream of ones and zeroes. Our time on this planet was brief and beautiful. We were once a strong group, but we have now become individuals. We remain in contact with each other, but as a group we are rarely able to convene.

Where Are They Now?

Dr. T Berry Brazleton and Rosalita De La Cruz have moved to Iowa. The good doctor has opened up a small part time practice which gives him time to spend on his true passion, installing swimming pools. Rosalita now works for NASCAR as Richard Petty's number one go-to gal. Occasionally she drives a lap or two for him with Doc Braz filling in as her spotter. We miss them dearly but a bustling metropolis like Des Moines can offer so much more than a backwoods hamlet like Grand Rapids. I'm sure they are in the right place for them.

Domino Brooks and Kitty Kowalksi have become inseparable life-partners. They started out living together as friends and then nature took them over. They grew up together and their families are quite close. Kitty is finishing up Dog-Grooming school. Domino has found himself traveling quite a bit for his job. He has been busy busting drivers for not playing by the rules. He gave up on his government juice trafficking racket, but has not gotten out fo the juice game altogether. He is now working hard bringing the wonders of anti-oxidants to anybody that will listen. Xango is the new "purple stuff". Its sort of a cure-all snake-oil pyramid scam that just might save us all. He passed a bottle to Madison and I recently and we quickly drank it up. Its not the greatest tasting but it may cure anything from irritable bowel syndrome to laziness to death.

Baby and Bear Chambers are closer to renewing their vows later this year. They are also looking for a house. Beam is still alive and well and still not housebroken. Baby may have found himself in a little hot water with the boys in blue again, but he always manages to get out. He may have been framed for driving while intoxicated. We aren't sure yet and the details are scarce. No doubt attorney Jack Scheffield is busy working on the case right now. We wish him the best.

Mr. and Mrs. Porter Langley have officially tied the knot as of May 20th 2006. Madison and I had a nice little outdoor ceremony with all the usual suspects there. It turned out to be picture perfect for us thanks to a lot of help from our friends and family.

We bounced names around for a while: Madison Greene-Langley, Madison Greene Langley, Madison Langley Greene, Greene Langley-Madison, Madison Greene Hyphen Langley. Finally we just settled for Madison Langley. I've been working like a dog, but I can't complain too much. Life is pretty good. Madison and I have been busy working on our budgeting and personal finances so that hopefully we can buy or build a house someday and then make a family.

Research & Development

At conclamoludus R&D has always been important. Just because we aren't an institution any more doesn't mean we aren't still trolling the world for new ideas. If you would like to see what Dr. Brazleton has been brewing in his homegrown laboratory take a look at this entertaining and informative video.

We look forward to reading Dr. Brazleton's latest research on Pac-man Primatology. I'm not sure where he hired that young lady in the lab, but she is really good with that chimp!

Sports

There really is no limit to what kids can do with some rollerblades and too much time on their hands. Check out this entertaining clip of what happens when the Black Market Skating crew break into the ATL Waterpark. The music accompaniament is a playful old song remixed a bit. Have a look.

Health

Ever wonder exactly how many Red Bulls you would have to drink in one sitting to die from it? Ever wonder how close to death you were when you decided to grab that 3rd cup of coffee and your hearts beginning to race? Well thanks to Energy Fiend it is now easily for us to calculate. Check out this handy tool called simply, "Death By Caffeine."

Conclusions

I have no delusions that everyone is going to start reading the blog again since I have a history of leaving gigantic half-year gaps in the postings, but I feel like I have to share some stuff that I find.

Stay Caffeinated,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Love is a Hurtin' Thing

2006-01-07T09:54:00.000-05:00

It was just a couple weeks ago I had described the sultry voice of Lou Rawls and how stimulating his Christmas Album is. Now sadly we bring the news that Lou Rawls has died at age 72. Its far too early for this Natural Man to merge with the infinite. Lou Rawls gave us a life of sweet soulful music and worked hard to help raise money for the United Negro Collge Fund. You can read a short memorium here

I find it appropriate that this month's official chairty be the UNCF in honor of Lou. So cough up a couple of bucks for The United Negro College Fund because "A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste". Their donation page is located here. Do it for Lou.

Stay Soulful,
Porter Langley

Start Spreading The News

2005-12-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

New York, New York

As most of you know I recently got sent to NYC for 6 day Security Extravaganza. Myself and a couple of other co-workers including, Moe Smithee, got trained up by some of the best security wonks in the world. We were able to do a little bit of sightseeing as well. I've been meaning to get these pictures up for a while but its hard to find extra time for it especially during the holidays.

Although our training took place out in Port Chester, north of Manhattan, we were able to catch a train to Grand Central Station. They don't make buildings like this anymore. Its a shame. It is an architectural joy.

Where do you start? Times Square of course. There is no better place to hang out with a sign that says I love Carson Daly. Times Square is the mecca for People-Watching. Its a bit overwhelming even at 10:00 AM on a Sunday.

We decided to hike south from Times Square down to Ground Zero and the harbor area, stopping a long the way for souvenirs and beers. Our next stop was the NY Public Library.

You'll recognize those lions out front. This is of course the where the opening of the film Ghostbusters takes place.

We next found ourselves at the base of the Empire State Building, which of course is where King Kong met his death in 1933 when he tumbled down 102 stories after being blown away by airplanes...true story. We stopped in and had a beer at the Heartland Brewery in the basement of the ESB.

Just on the horizon was the Chrysler Building. I've always been fond of its ridiculous silver eagle gargoyles jutting out from its corners.

We meandered our way through the Village and found where the Huxtables live. Rudy was not home. We stopped in at Greenwich Brewing Co for another refreshing microbrew.

Just a little further South was the Moondance Diner where Mary Jane works. Mary Jane is Spiderman's girlfriend. Neither Mary Jane or Spiderman were there. But Moe Smithee was parked on the bench out front.

We eventually arrived at the gigantic void that is Ground Zero. They had a display up showing the timeline of the events. There were demonstrators there claiming that George Bush blew it up with bombs. They had very loud megaphones and a giant banner. Free speech is awesome. They were really mad.

After a while it was easy to tune out the crazies and listen to this guy play Amazing Grace on his flute. There were quite a few people there. Its a pretty somber place.

It still blows your mind when you think about it. This is all that is left of the building structure. I never saw it when it was there, other than in pictures, but it dwarfed most skyscrapers in New York, I couldn't even imagine it.

A big-Ass bull came barrelling down Wall Street nearly taking out this crowd of people.

We made it to the harbor just as the sun was setting. It was beautiful. We walked around the park. There were African refugees from somewhere all over the park. Each one had a big box and a stack of cloths on a cart, there must have been a hundred of them. I wasn't sure where they were from but they must have literally just gotten off a boat and this was the only place to sleep. My guess is they were Sudanese maybe, or Ethiopian. Many of them shuffled around quietly, looking very tired and confused.

We hopped on a boat for a tour of the harbor. I got to see Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty the way my grandfather got to see it when he came over from France. He was 8 years old and didn't know any English. I couldn't imagine trying to do something like that. What a journey!

She is so hot. Giant green metal french babes are awesome.

After the boat tour we took the subway back up to Times Square for the light show.

They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway. They are right. Its very bright. We just sort of sat there mesmorized before almost getting run over by a taxi.

"Just set her down right over there Atlus. Don't drop it though!"

St. Patrick's Cathedral is a great example of gothic architecture. It looked a little displaced surrounded by the art deco buildings of the Rockefeller Center.

My trip to NYC was memorable and I would love to go back again sometime. We didn't get to see much of Central Park and didn't end up in any museums this time around so there is plenty left to see. New York City really is an amazing place, one of the capital cities of the world so to speak. Everywhere you turn you see a famous landmark or place referenced in every root of American culture. It is the epitome of America's urban ingenuity for better and worse. The sheer size of it gazing out from one of the skyscrapers is immeasurable. New York city is one of the countries oldest living systems, random, chaotic, yet rich with ideas, energy, people, and possibilities. Its Pure American Concentrate, that is an explosively energetic mixture of cultures and creatures from all over the world. Its a simoultaneously inspiring and overwhelming place to visit.

The Rumor Mill

The Conclamo Ludus Christmas Special was a success last weekend. Unfortunately Madison and I had to leave a little early. Madison has such an aversion to feline company that she ceases to breathe and her brain begins to shutdown. The Brazleton's and Rockwell's cats quickly picked up on her human weakness and triangulated an attack on her respiratory system. The doctor's call it allergies, Madison calles it a living hell. We look forward to being able to entertain guests some day in an allergy free plastic bubble. Christmas is almost here which means you better be watching Christmas movies and listening to Christmas carols.

We at Conclamo Ludus highly recommend the following Christmas Movies:

Scrooged
A Nightmare Before Christmas
A Christmas Story
Its a Wonderful Life
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Gremlins
Die Hard

We also recommend the following Christmas Music:

Lou Rawl's - Christmas Is the Time - this is the sexiest christmas album you'll ever here. When you hear Lou's buttery voice singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, you'll be jumping for the mistletoe.

Harry Conick, Jr. - When My Heart Finds Christmas - A classic. Speaks for itself.

If you think of some more to add to the list drop me an email at porter.langley@gmail.com or leave a comment. To insure that we no longer get comments from spammers and advertisers and other maladjusted individuals, I have turned on a word-verification. You'll see it when you leave a comment, it asks you to type what you see in a little box, just so it knows that it is a real person leaving the comment and not a machine.

Do You Hear What I Hear?
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus Reviews: Walk The Line, Sin City, and The Ice Harvest

2005-11-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I commented on a sampling of the river of entertainment pouring through our senses. Conclamo Ludus has a long tradition of seeking out new entertainment in all of its forms. Today I present a quick review of three films that have recently caught our attention.

Walk The Line

Comparisons were quickly made between Walk The Line and Ray before the film even came out. Ray has become the de facto king of musical biopic films. It has earned its place when you look at the strength of the story, the characters, the acting, and the total package of the film. Walk The Line starts out feeling very similar to Ray, but eventually becomes a very different story. While Ray took us from cradle to grave, Walk The Line tells a more focused story. This is not the story of Johnny Cash, this is the story of Johnny and June. The film is much more about the story of Johnny's hard falls, his recovery from addiction, and the love that helped him get there. This would explain the title. This is not the movie "Cash", it is "Walk The Line". At first I was somewhat disappointed by this. I really wanted to see a few glimpses of the old has-been Johnny Cash. The Cash that nobody wanted. I wanted to see just a couple scenes of Rick Rubin's Johnny Cash. I wanted to see him flipping the bird to Nashville. I wanted to even see Hurt Johnny Cash. But I recognize that these could be entire films unto themselves.

Joaquin Phoenix does a wonderful job of portraying Cash, and there are times that you forget that it is Joaquin Phoenix, just as Jamie Foxx was able to do with Ray. When I had first heard that Reese Witherspoon was going to be June Carter Cash I couldn't picture it at all. How is Legally Blond Reese going to pull off the sassy brunette with the country-girl charm? She very quickly changed my mind and gave me a newfound respect for her.

Walk The Line is a great story and comes together in the end to be a great film. If you go into this film thinking that its going to be an epic story of Johnny Cash's entire life, you will be disappointed. However, if you go into the film wanting to see the story behind many of his most famous songs and the romance, courtship, and recovery of the man in black, then you will find it to be an exceptional story complete with the footstomping two-steps you can't help but to sing along with.

Walk The Line Official Site with Trailers and Clips

Sin City

Sin City is disgusting, shocking, grotesque, and very impressive. The film is literally a comic book on the big screen. The dark noir stories of Frank Miller were originally published as graphic novels in the late 90's. With the help of Quentin Tarantino's protege and cult film-maker Robert Rodriquez, Frank Miller has brought his series of intertwined stories to the big screen. The cast spans some of the usual suspects for a film like this: Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Benicio Del Toro, as well as a few unexpected performances from Elijah Wood, Clive Owen, Jessica Alba, and Rosario Dawson. Josh Hartnett even makes a brief appearance.

The film is full of horrific events spilled before your eyes, cannibalism, dismemberment, castration, all of the things you would never want to happen to you. What's interesting is how the medium changes these frightening themes. Comic Book violence has always been more theatrical than filmic. This is pure theatrical comic book violence. Critics would argue that this is a desensitizing of this violence, to show it in such a theatrical way. I would argue that it doesn't necessarily desensitize the viewer as much as it detaches them from it. Detachment and desensitization are very different. I believe that the detachment can actually make one more sensitive to the meanings behind such occurances. The portrayal of these violent acts is more surprising than it is shocking and has a darkly humorous edge to it. What we see are highly stylized images of these acts. It takes away the shocking realism and allows the viewer to examine them at a different angle. It makes you less apt to say "Oh God, I can't watch!" and more likely to ponder what lies behind the fears of such events. What does it mean to be castrated? What does cannibalism symbolize? This is the heart of what someone would call "comic" violence. It isn't meant to be real, its meant to trigger the meaning behind it. This has been a tool of theatre since the Greeks.

Sin City is a must see for fans of graphic novels. The pages of the comics were so easily transposed to film. The editing is a feat in technical wizardry as well. Its hard to tell where the influences end with eachother. The graphic novels were so heavily influenced by the dime-store pulp novels and dark films of the 1930's and 40's, and the film is so heavily influenced now by the comic-book medium. If it was ever in doubt that these mediums could be mixed together, love it or hate it, this film proved that they were a are a match made in heaven.

Sin City Official Site with Trailer and Clips

The Ice Harvest

From the comic mind of Harold Ramis comes a neo-noir film that attempts to merge a few different styles. Althought Conclamo Ludus has been a fan of Harold Ramis' unique sense of humor for years, Ice Harvest doesn't ever quite get there. It attempts at times to be a dark comedy, and it acheives it. At other times it attempts to be a film noir, and it acheives it. However these two things are not acheived at the same time. The cast is actors everyone knows, John Cusack, Dennis Quaid, Billy Bob Thornton, Oliver Platt, and Connie Nielson. But most of the characters are slightly off from their normal roles, and I would say that none of them quite feel right in their roles besides Oliver Platt. Connie Nielson attempts to play a femme fatale, but this is not her usual character and it feels a bit forced. Billy Bob Thornton, one of the greatest actors to ever play desperate pathetic characters, plays more of a stone-cold murderous backstabbing psycho. Which once again feels forced at times. Cusack plays himself, as he does in every role. He walks off one set and onto another, film after film, and you always like him. Oliver Platt has perhaps the only breakthrough role. He plays the Falstaffian drunk best friend of Cusack. He really comes out the winner of the film. I think everyone left the theatre thinking "Who knew Oliver Platt was so hilarious?"

The movie spins and turns taking the audience through the aftermath of an embezzlement-from-the-mob-job-gone-wrong plot. It was an ardent attempt at marrying dark comedy and film noir, but it perhaps ended up more of a dimly lit chuckle. See it if the Chrismas Carols start to drive you nuts.

The Ice Harvest Official Site with Trailer

The Rumor Mill

The holidays are upon us and I have been unable to update the site as much as I'd like. I started writing these reviews on 11/23/05, and I'm finsishing it on 12/08/05. So what's in store for Conclamo Ludus? We are currently working on a plan to have monthly meetings to discuss the ever-evolving mission of Conclamo Ludus. The meetings will begin in January 2006 and may eventually be opened up to the public. I've still got a million pictures to share from both Hurricane Wilma and my trip to NYC. I plan on putting together an in-depth feature on the hurricane in Cancun. The Conclamo Ludus Christmas Special is this Friday evening. It starts off with a gift exchange at the Brazletons and then on to a Christmas party hosted by the Rockwell's.

Happy Holidays
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Walk The Line, Shining, and Domino's Day

2005-11-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

Domino's Big Day

Where has Porter Langley gone? Abandoning his post at its most crucial hour? No! While everyone was feasting and partying and carrying on to celebrate Domino Brooks' 26th birthday party, poor Porter Langley was exiled to the confines of New York City. Here on this wretched wastland known as Manhattan he was forced to endure King Kong, ghosts in the NY Library, and dismal views of the skyline from the maelstrom known as new york harbor. Pictures will soon follow.

Okay, okay, I had a great time in the big apple. I am sorry I missed Domino's birthday celebration, but it was for a notable cause. I just got off the phone with Domino for our weekly debriefing. The 26th year old Domino Brooks has found a new lease on life since his dance with Katrina. I was just explaining to Domino about the glut of material that I have for the blog. Its always either feast or famine. When I have time to update the site I don't have any material, and when I have loads of material I don't have any time to update it. C'est la vie.

Walk The Line

Friday night is the premiere release of Walk The Line. Conclamo Ludus plans on a special screening of the film starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon in the biopic film about Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash. The previews for the film look exceptional. What I can't figure out is how Joaquin, famous for his slithering whiny voice as emperor Commodus in Gladiator, got his voice so deep. In the trailer he comes off as the real McCoy down to the gravel in his gut and the spit in his eye. For those attending Friday nights Conclamo Ludus premiere of the film, please remember that all black attire is required, at least for the men. Ladies come dressed in your best June Carter clothes. If you haven't caught the buzz about walk the line: Check out the film's official site here. You can view a trailer for it here. And for all your trivia and other facts check the imdb file here.

Shining

As many of you know I am a very big fan of trailers. No, not the double-wide manufactured homes that shine like beacons for all the lost tornadoes out there, I am of course speaking about movie trailers. I love movie trailers. I always try to make it to the movies a little early just to catch a new dose of trailers. It has become the custom lately, at least for bad action movies, for the trailers to explain pretty much everything that happens in the movie. When you see these, you know that they are doing you a favor. Its like when you include an Executive Summary at the top of that 300 page report you typed up for your boss. The summary tells you everything you need to know so that you don't have to see the rest. Some trailers are known as teasers. Be careful of teasers. Teasers are so good at what they do that they can make any film look like the greatest thing ever. A few of my friends and I fell for this with Battlefield Earth. A film so abysmal that it has become the punchline of any joke regarding Scientology, or John Travolta. The film is often referred to Battlefield: Scientology, or Battlefield: Worst Movie Ever Made. Don't take my word for it, go out and rent it, I dare you! Anyway, the power of editing is never so apparent as it is in trailers. Here is a link for a film called "Shining".
http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov
Most of you have seen this film before. Watch the trailer and behold the incredible power of editing. It will blow your mind.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre's Langley!

2005-11-01T12:20:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T21:39:00.000-05:00

Well Halloween is upon us. For Conclamo Ludus this is usually the most intense holiday of the year. Its our one day out of the year where we have an excuse to "Go Ape". This Halloween was drastically different. It felt like that Christmas where nobody can afford presents for each other so instead you all get together and feel greatful for one another, and for good reason.

In the days just before Halloween Conclamo Ludus was struck with 2 Epic Tragedies that nearly claimed its entire existence. The first being Hurricane Wilma, and the second being Dr. Brazleton's brutal battle with a table saw.

Wilma Vs. Cancun

Hurrican Wilma, the strongest on record, slammed into Cancun, Mexico like a 10-ton Luchador. A recently dispatched envoy from Conclamo Ludus found themselves at the mercy of the beast. The Conclamo Ludus Expeditionary Team included:

Domino Brooks, Skipper
Baby Chambers, 1st Mate
Junior Rockwell, Boatswain
Taffy Rockwell, Ship's Doctor
Bear Chambers, Lady of the Night
Go Go Peterson, Gunner

The team's mission was simple. Travel to the Mayan Riviera, make contact with the locals, initiate trade and exchange of customs and traditions, and return to Grand Rapids a week before a great Halloween Party. The team had just enough provisions for the week-long excursion. They did not count on Wilma.

The ensuing story is one of great tribulation, high adventure, and swashbuckling valor. It will be told in a serial feature in the coming weeks as we begin our full-tilt rush into the holiday season.

Dr. Brazleton Vs. Table Saw

The second tragic setback in the evenings just before Halloween was the loss of the good Doctor's digits. It would appear that Doc was back at his old woodworking hobby last week. If idle hands are the devil's play-toy, then Doc Brazleton's hands are the good tools of the lord. Doc is always working on all kinds of projects, from new forms of bat-repellant, to swedish furniture. Last weekend it was cedar siding for the Father-In-Law's homestead. While ripping the lumber into siding on the table saw, one of them seemed to get away from him. The result was 3 less fingertips then he once had. The good news is they were on his left hand, the bad news is he lost the tips of his thumb, forefinger, and middle finger. You can't keep a good Ape down, so I imagine Doc will be back at it before long. In the mean time we are working on crafting a prosthetic hand. Our greatest fear though is that he may become more machine than man.

A Quiet All Hallow's Eve

We all managed to get together on Halloween and we were just so grateful that we were all alive and in one piece. It was a homecoming of sorts. There were obviously ape masks there, but no strangers, no parties, no chaos, just good friends, good pizza, and one of the greatest movies of all time, Ghostbusters.

Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good,
Porter Langley

Pounded By Wilma

2005-10-23T09:42:00.000-04:00

A recreational trip to Cancun Mexico has no doubt turned into a living hell for Baby & Bear Chambers, Domino Brooks, Junior & Taffy Rockwell, and Go-Go Peterson. They are amongst the 30,000 tourists trapped in the Mexican Riviera which has been battered by 3 days of the strongest storm on record.

I have attempted cell phone contact with the crew and have gotten nowhere. According to news reports they are most likely sitting in a shelter with no electricity or running water. Rumors are flying around that they'll have to be bussed out of the Yucatan as flights will not be ready for a while.

My most immediate fear goes out to Domino Brooks. While he does pretty well in states of Martial Law, he does very poorly if not properly fed everyday. Combine this with a draught of pacifying booze, and he may turn on any and all who are with him. It will be up to Baby and Junior to contain him and keep him from creating a mass state of panic and hysteria.

The above picture hoisted from the National Hurricane Center's page about Wilma, shows the predicted path of the monstrous storm. I haven't been watching any television coverage of the storm. I'm so burnt out on Katrina. Wilma is a whole other animal though. Wilma is more personal. I have my dearest friends getting pummelled by it. I feel that instead of watching footage of the mess, it is more personal to me to just think about the situation and have my thoughts be with my friends who are probably very tired, very scared, and very hungry.

For this reason Wilma will become legendary to Conclamo Ludus. Who knows what Wilma will come to mean. Wilma may become the new Therisa, the mythic name applied to all ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, and ex-lovers. Wilma may become the new term for a hangover. That storm of a day after a vacation of partying. Wilma, once a delightful caveman wife, could now become an unforgiving indiscriminant land-slayer. A slow-moving spiritual deppression that uproots the world, batters the mind, shatters facades, and leaves the eyes flooded. Wilma is a mass of angry winds, slurping water, and punishing rains.

Wilma will no doubt leave a path etched through the very soul of Conclamo Ludus. She will pass through our lives and will become the embodiment of mysterious danger. Wilma will be the boogieman in our closets, the gargoyle o'er our heads, and the thing that goes bump in the night. I foresee the day that Domino old and gray, timeworn and ragged, but wise and jovial will sit with a bustling grandson on his knee and tell him of the time he faced "Wilma, the Evil Bitch of the Sea".

God Speed You Home,
Porter Langley

Autumn, Apes, and Radio Frequency

2005-10-12T20:04:00.000-04:00

Fall

Suddenly its Autumn. I get home from the desert only to find the leaves plummeting themselves off the branches of trees. The air is transforming. The sun-laden hazy lazy summer days have dissipated sending their moist watermelon and lemonade mornings to the opposite hemisphere. This big fat rock we are riding is tipping itself back and we pack up our barbecues, our crickets, our fireworks, and our cocanut oil.

We welcome the smokey bonfires, the dried leaves, the cinnamon and cider. The laughing pumpkins, the biting winds. Here we are, Rocktober. Shocktober. Octoberfest. Halloween. Thanksgiving is nipping at its heels meaning Christmas is hot on its trail. Autumn is a land of eternal transition. Its citizens live with one foot on the platform and one foot on the train. Only the recent memories of the summer can nurse the foreboding shadows of the coming winter.

Halloween 2005

For Conclamo Ludus, autumn is the season to really kick it into high gear. Sure we have to start fattening up for winter, but we like to kick off the holiday season right. This means making every Halloween count. The rumblings usually start in early June. Ideas are tossed back and forth over cocktails. By the time October hits the campaigning is over and its time for the clandestine meetings and debates over what will become the final costume idea. Absolute secrecy is vital. Press conferences are held, but little is revealed. One thing is for certain. It will involve Apes.

What's The Frequency Kenneth

Its already the 12th of October and I have yet to endorse this month's offical non-profit. I apologize for not revealing it earlier. I'm rallying some support for Michigan Radio to get their tower expanded. They've got the land and have started preparing to build the tower that will greatly expand their current signal. Michigan Radio of course is 104.1 on our FM radio dial in Grand Rapids. Its a great source for All Things Considered, Prarie Home Companion, BBC Radio, Diane Rehm, Fresh Air, etc. NPR has long been one of the last bastions for commercial-free enjoyable and informative radio programs. I encourage anyone who regularly listens to the station to support the big ass tower they are building for us.

The Rumor Mill

Domino Brooks is off to Cancun, Mexico with the Rockwells, the Chambers, and a whole crew of nary-do-wells. Dr. and Mrs. Brazleton-De La Cruz are well and have been busy at work erasing the leftover residue Conclamo Ludus had left in their love palace. Painting, scrubbing, detoxifying, fumigating, god know what else. When they are done they will have one fine home at least until the cat reclaims it. Madison and I have been busy working like dogs and planning our wedding. Stay tuned this month for another round of reviews and all the gossip leading up to the climax of terror known as HALLOWEEN!

Muahahahahhahaha,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: The Division Dig, Chester 5 Reunion, and Housebreaking Domino

2005-09-28T12:50:00.000-04:00

I've got a nice little backlog of photos to post so its time to share a few updates. My Phoenix trip is going well. Madison is in Estes Park, Colorado until tomorrow. She is attending a big yoga conference up in the mountains. B.K.S. Iyengar is there to share the wisdom from his latest book Light on Life. Mr. Iyengar is like Mr. Yoga. He is pretty much responsible for bringing yoga to the west and has established an institute in Pune, India to further the practice of Yoga. At 85 years old this will probably be Mr. Iyengar's last trip to the States, so it is a rare opportunity for Madison to learn from the best. Basically its like Yoda coming to visit all the Paduan Jedi on some remote planet. Once in a lifetime experience. When she comes back she will be able to walk on hot coals, levitate, and eat broken glass. Okay maybe not eat broken glass, but she can levitate, I've seen it.

The Division Dig

The Heartside area of Grand Rapids is the latest project to restore old neighborhoods in the city. As part of a major beautification project they have begun digging up Division just south of Fulton. For those of you who haven't checked out that side of town in a long time it might be worth a trip one day. Madison and I frequently visit My Video Shoppe in that area and managed to snap a couple of photos while there. My Video Shoppe is the place to go for hard to find foreign and independent flicks. Their prices are reasonable too and you don't feel a part of the cold heartless machine that is Blockbuster.

Disney has nothing on De Vos. This picture shows the colorful attitude and the unique sense of humor of the Heartside district.

Empty dug up streets are pretty surreal sometimes. Division in this part of town looks a little like Beale Street with its old buildings. Other sites in this area include Skelletone's Coffee Shop, the latest gothic-christian den of darkness in Grand Rapids. There is always a crowd of misfits, runaways, and mixed up teenagers hanging around in front. They advertise as having Coffee that can "Wake The Dead". I swear I've seen My Chemical Romance hanging around out front bumming cigarettes off of homeless people. There is certainly a dark flavor in the area and I hope it is able to stay even after the beautification of the area. This is also where most of our mission houses are. Mel Trotter ministries has a place down here as well as Guiding Light Mission. You can also find the Vertigo record store, specializing in rare punk and metal records. There are a few gothic clothing boutiques, Tini Bikinis (A Swimsuit Themed Restaurant, not really a family joint), and some vacant buildings filled with zombies and stray cats.

They have big plans for this neighborhood, they are going to install new landscaping and stoplights and trees. Buildings will be renovated and we may have a nice little Eastown-like place on our hands. I look forward to seeing how it will turn out. For more information on what their plans are for this area and an interesting virtual tour about the history and availability of the buildings check out this link.

Madison walks directly into oncoming bulldozer traffic.

The Chester 5 Reunion

About a month ago the Chester Five got together under the same roof for a little cocktail party for our very own Beauregard Shackleton. BoShack is leaving Grand Rapids to move closer to his son on the east side of the state. BoShack is one of Grand Rapids' star bartenders and a favorite at T.G.I.Fridays where he has been pouring drinks for a couple years now. Aside from his talents at mixing the perfect drink, Bo is a licensed massage therapist.

The Chester Five, from left to right: Porter Langley, Dr. Brazleton, Beauregard Shackleton, Baby Chambers, and TV's Domino Brooks.

A few honorary members of Conclamo Ludus joined us in seeing off BoShack. Including Jerry and Jane Olafsson, and of course the lovely Rosalita De La Cruz-Brazleton.

Jane and Rosalita embrace.

Newlyweds: Dr. and Mrs. Rosalita De La Cruz-Brazleton

Its rare that we can all get together like this but whenever it happens we all enjoy ourselves a little too much. We shall miss you dearly BoShack, but we know you'll be back to visit. Best of luck on your new life back in your old home town!

Housebreaking Domino

TV's Domino Brooks has gotten himself into some hot water. He is currently under investigation for an incident in which he allegedly urinated outdoors. The event allegedly took place the night of the Eastown Street Festival. Domino is currently reviewing all of his legal options. Lance Corporal Rod Rubio advised Domino that contrary to popular belief this is not a sex crime, unless you expose yourself in front of kids or something. How Rod knows these things scares the crap out of us, but thank goodness he could give Domino some advice. Our Attorney Jack Sheffield initially refused the case, but has now agreed to take it on Pro Bono. Good news for Domino. Jack will help him assemble a dream team of defense attorneys before the pending trial. Domino is the first member of the Chester 5 to acheive this most embarassing accusation. Neither Domino nor his attorneys were available for comment.

Stay Classy Grand Rapids,
Porter Langley

Camelback Mountain

2005-09-27T21:28:00.000-04:00

I'm back in Phoenix all week after a busy month in Grand Rapids. This trip isn't quite as 5-star as my last trip. I'm not complaining though. A free trip anywhere can be fun. Last time they put me up in the Embassy Suites - Biltmore, this trip they've introduced me to their less attractive older sister hotel. The Embassy Suites - Thomas Rd. is a bit more realistic. The Biltmore revoked our government rate but they were happy to put us here. Its pretty different. Instead of Koi swimming around in ponds in the lobby they have scorpions and tarantulas squirming around in the bushes. If you don't show them your room key they'll sting you. One thing that all Embassy Suites have for you though is a free cocktail hour and a great gut-bomb breakfast to start your day off. I'm afraid I'm getting addicted to their mini cheese danishes. I may drive around to Embassy Suites in Grand Rapids brandishing a fake room key just to get me some of them danishes.

I've got a little bit more free time this trip and plan on taking advantage of it. After work today I stopped by Camelback Mountain. I took a few pictures. I walked a short loop on the trails. I can't wait to go back. I really didn't have the shoes for it though so I didn't wander far. I was afraid that if I went too far all the Arizonians would only know Michiganders as those idiots who try to climb mountains in dress shoes.

The people here are really desert people. Many of them seem to have mutated into super-humans capable of going hours without water and able to climb steep inclines due to small sticky pads on the bottom of their feet. I haven't quite adapted. When a 85 year-old sun-bleached lady jogged past me with a growl, I decided to call it a day.

Phoenix is growing on me a little bit. I still have trouble with the fact that the entire city is one giant strip mall, but the dusty taste of reverse-osmosis water is starting to taste a little better. People who think that Grand Rapids has too much urban sprawl should come out here for a day. There is a warehouse retail store, fast-food chain, chain hotel, and chain gas station on every single block in the city.

Camelback Mountain is one of many big-ass dirt piles sprouting up in the middle of the desert here. It makes for a relatively nice-looking skyline. It took me a while to get used to this mountain. I stood at the face of it looking up for a long time before my brain could even acknowledge that it was there. Finally once my brain could spatially understand it I could see the mountain. Sometimes you here about indigenous peoples seeing a car for the first time. They look right past it because their brain's have nothing to compare it too. I felt that way about the mountain. We don't have things this big in Michigan. I can't remember the last time I saw a building this big. So I just had to stand in front of it and let my mind embrace it for a while.

See those dark indentations in the mountain? Thats where they keep their bats. Thats a great place to keep bats. They belong in places like that, not in people's houses.

If you look closely at this picture you'll see some guy trying to climb up this boulder. I'm not sure what he is going to do when he gets up there.

Did I mention that its a cool 98 degrees, and I don't mean Nick Lachey. Yesterday it was 105. I heard some asshole mention that it was a dry heat. I keep hearing that and it makes me more and more irritated every time. Dry heat. I'm going to punch the next sweaty jerk that tells me "but its a dry heat".

Things are going pretty good at work out here. I just found out they're sending me to a conference in NY NY in November. I've never been to the big apple. I'm sure I'll have a few stories to share. They're going to certify me in Ethical Hacking. At first glance that may sound a little like an oxy-moron but its actually the latest craze in the IT world.

Viva Phoenix,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: The Great Migration, RIP CGB, and Ape Escape

2005-09-15T05:27:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Baby "Koko" Chambers! Baby Chambers, fiance to Bear Chambers, Uncle to Dr. Brazleton, and father to Beam Chambers turns 39 today. One step closer to that big 4 0! You don't look a day over 35!

The Great Migration of 2005

Katrina has meant many things to many people since she came ripping through the gulf. Everyones talking about the damage it has done, but few are talking about the effects of relocation of thousands of people. The mass exodus of low income and poverty-stricken people can have a tremendous effect on the areas that have taken the evacuees in. I think in the long run most of these effects will be positive. Anytime something kicks up a migration we get interesting results. MSNBC has a nice article about the relocation and what the long term effects can be.

RIP CGB

From Domino Brooks, our Dead Bluesman Correspondent, we received the somber news that the blues world has lost another great, Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown. Gatemouth started out as a protege of the legendary T-Bone Walker after picking up his guitar in between sets. Starting off as a drummer he became well-known for being able to play anything with strings, from the viola to the mandolin to the fiddle and guitar. Gatemouth specialized in playing American music Texas-Style. The Texas school of blues has always produced an edgier rock-laced sound popularized by the mythological Stevie Ray Vaughan. For more about Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown check out his website.

Ape Escape

From our Primatology Correspondent Junior Rockwell, it appears that evolution has reared its ugly head again. Three adult male chimps had to be put down after escaping from the Nebraska zoo. One of the chimps actually walked into town and stopped in at a convenince store (not kidding) and then returned to the zoo. The zookeepers tried in vain to coax the three adult males back into their cage but tranquilizers had no effect. They had gathered around a giant black monolith and had discovered the use of basic weapons (kidding). Anyway, its sad to see them go. Chimp Haven would have been a much more appropriate place for these rogue chimps. I think the moron who left their cage open should be locked up in the zoo for a couple of weeks. Read the full article at the Lincoln Journal Star.

Stay Wild,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Ninjas Attack, Give A Hoot Don't Loot, and Hell Hounds

2005-09-12T23:45:00.000-04:00

Home Security

As the clean up continues several interesting stories have emerged from the swamps of New Orleans. AP photographer Bill Haber dredged this up. As most of us have discovered chaos quickly breaks out in disasters like this. People need to come up with new and creative ways to keep from being looted, attacked, or otherwise assaulted. This was by far the most creative solution of keeping looters, rapists, and ne'er-do-wells away from your family. We may soon see home security kits containing a big dog, 2 shotguns, an ugly woman, and a claw hammer.

Ninjas Attack!

There are several hundred reasons not to live in Florida. Hurricanes, humidity, theme parks, butterfly ballots etc. But one of the newest reasons is ninjas. Yes, ninjas. As if things weren't scary enough in this world we now have to worry about a growing ninja epidemic. The most recent ninja-related incident happened at a Steak 'n' Shake in Orange County FL. A ninja crawled into the restaurant at 2:00 AM and held up workers at katana-point. From the article:

"He jumped up, threatened workers with a knife and demanded money," Local 6's Lauren Rowe said.
Police said the man, still wearing his ninja costume, escaped police by running into a nearby industrial park.
A worker at the restaurant was taken to the hospital suffering from chest pains. He is expected to be OK.
If you have any information concerning this crime, you are urged to call Crimeline at (800) 423-TIPS.

Read the rest of the article from Local6.com

World's Ugliest Dog

They currently do not have a Worst In Show category in the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I'm sure they are considering adding it since the world got a peak at this hideous canine monster. If you squint your eyes he kind of looks like Beam. Thankfully someone adopted this "un-adoptable" dog. The Chinese-crested hairless dog, Sam, is the winner of several Ugliest dog contests.

See the full article at Snopes.com

Remember to Spay or Neuter Your Pets,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: RIP RL

2005-09-09T05:33:00.000-04:00

For Conclamo Ludus blues music has been its backbone since its inception. One of the earliest modern blues artist to wield his influence over us was RL Burnside, an old Mississippi artist who had spent his life living the blues before he was known for singing the blues.

Robert Lee Burnside died September 1st 2005. RL's life plays out like a one long blues ballad. From his life as a sharecropper in the 1930's to the tragedies that would lead him to lose 2 uncles, 2 brothers, and his father in violent incidents all within a year of eachother. RL has later spent some time in prison for shooting a man during a craps game.

It wasn't until he was about 65 years old that RL finally became recognized for his blues prowess. He was picked up by the Fat Possum record label who experimented with a blues-techno fusion that became popular among music fans that may never have turned to the blues. One of his songs made it onto the Soprano's soundtrack.

While Burnside's blues-techno experiments were bold and cutting edge, it was his live sound that was the most electrifying. If you have never bought an RL album before pick up Burnside on Burnside. It was recorded live a couple of years ago on his west coast tour. Along with The Black Keys and the North Mississippi All-Stars it is amongst the greatest modern blues albums in recent years.

RL died at 78 years old, one of the last legends in the dying genre that birthed modern music as we know it. As he declares in his 2000 album "Wish I was in heaven sittin' down," he has been fulfilled.

For more on RL Burnside check out his site at Fat Possum Records and read this excellent obituary from the la times. Thanks to our Dead Bluesman Correspondent Domino Brooks for breaking the story to me.

Its Bad You Know?
Porter Langley

Giant Asian Carp

2005-09-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure what the draw is. They say that it started in ancient China, was refined in Japan, and then sold to the US. No I am not talking about Pokemon, Fireworks, or Taoism. I am of course speaking of Koi.

Koi are gigantic multi-colored asian carp. Breeding Koi has long been an ancient hobby for some. The idea caught on in America more recently. While sitting around watching catfish bump naughties might not sound like a fun time, for Koi breeders it is a way of life. There are dozens of varieties of Koi from the black and orange speckled, to the creepy looking albinoes.

I remember a few years ago Cedar Point thought they would install a Koi pond. They must have cut a few corners because as I remember they just threw a bunch of catfish in an algae pond and called it an asian garden. The water looked straight out of New Orleans. You could put a quarter in a machine to throw food at them. Its been a few years since I was at Cedar Point but I am pretty sure that if the fish are still there, they are pissed. Its more likely that they grew legs and walked out.

I finally got to see a real Koi garden at the Embassy Suites - Biltmore in Phoenix last week. Inside the main lobby was an enormous network of waterways for the bizarre looking fish to navigate. They had signs properly marked not to throw food in for them. I took a few pictures. They grew to be the size of small Volkswagens and could swallow a small child. I asked the hotel manager what they feed these ridiculous creatures and he replied "unwanted pets mostly, neighborhood cats, stray dogs, I fed the albino one a live chicken once, but the feathers clogged up the fountain pumps."

The first picture gives you an idea of what these things look like. The second picture was taken moments after a toddler fell into the pond. He was pulled out just in time but look at the flurry of activity that it produced in this swarm of mindless killers.

For more about Koi check out the Koi USA website. I just recently found out that Madison has a crazy uncle that breeds these things. I hear there is good money in it. I also hear Domino Brooks is already working on breeding some in his bathtub. "Good Eatin'!" he claims.

The Courtship of Porter Langley

2005-09-07T11:03:00.000-04:00

A lot of big news coming out of the Conclamo Ludus compound this week. I'm officially back in Grand Rapids now and happy to be home.

I owe it to my fellow conclamo ludus brethren: Dr. Brazleton, Baby Chambers, and Kid Compton, for bringing Madison and I together. It all started on a hot and steamy summer night in 2004. It was a couple days before my birthday and the Rockwell's big wedding. It was Thursday August 12th, 2004. I had cleverly taken that Friday off from work knowing that I needed the time to celebrate my birthday and psychologically prepare for the wedding in Lewiston. After a unfriendly game of poker at the Conclamo Ludus Suburban Compound, we escaped to our usual Billy's Lounge in Eastown. Steppin' In It was playing live. Madison walked in and it was love at first sight. Time came to a complete standstill. Baby Chambers, with his highly evolved instincts picked up on our magnetic animal attraction. My cohorts knew well that if it were up to me I would have just sat there staring at her all night too terrified to make a move.

So Baby made me move. Baby immediately began running interference on her friend by dancing with her. Doc Braz maneuvered me onto the dancefloor and in a carefully choreographed dance Doc and Baby forced Madison and I to converge. It was very balletic the way everybody moved. I awkwardly ended up dancing with her. Luckily nature took over. I even managed to ask her for her phone number.

8 days later I was still trying to figure out what to say when I call her. Women hate it if you don't call them for over a week after meeting them. Luckily Kid Compton stepped in with some helpful advice. At last I gave her a jingle and the rest is pretty much history. We started hanging out together and clicked pretty quickly.

On our second date we went to Seidman Park out in Ada. This is where I learned that she was completely insane. Which pretty much sealed the deal. She ran around identifying every plant, tree, or shrub in the park. She was a wealth of natural knowledge. Having been in the single-life slumber for a couple of years I was pretty much trapped inside my head at the beginning of the walk. When we came to the stream she pulled up her pant-legs and ran right in. I'm not sure why, but I began to think she had lost her mind. Finally she grabbed my hands and plunged them into the water to wake my ass up. It worked and I've been in love with her ever since.

So it was here in Seidman Park where I would propose to her a little over a year later. She said yes. We are officially engaged to be married. Since then we have been in a flurry of activity, answering phonecalls, receiving well-wishers, doing television interviews, etc. No we don't have a date set yet, yes we will tell you when we do!

For a ring we needed something delicate and beautiful that wouldn't overpower Madison's tiny little hands. We went shopping together looking at different settings and diamonds, and I did the final shopping trip on my own. This was a good way to do it. My first instinct was just to run over to the diamond exchange in Antwerp and buy her the Cullinan diamond. At 3,106 carats it would have been just too heavy for her while she was doing yoga. Luckily we found the right ring for us over at Preusser Jewelers here in Grand Rapids. We chose the Ritani Endless Love collection for a setting and Preusser took care of the rest.

We would like to thank everyone who helped bring us together!

Love,
Porter Langley

When The Levee Breaks

2005-09-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Phoenix, its the first of the month and time to pick a new charity to give to. It pretty obvious where to place your money today. Katrina becomes more and more devestating everyday. Last month we gave to Chimp Haven. Located in Shreveport Louisiana Chimp Haven was relatively undamaged by the hurricane. According to Chimp Haven News the city of Shreveport has become filled with evacuees and refuges.

The gulf has become a cesspool. New Orleans has become the American Venice. New Orleans was a disaster waiting to happen. Every time a hurricane blows through the gulf, some commentator would say, New Orleans got lucky again. It has always been discussed that if New Orleans gets hit hard enough it will be flushed clean off the map. Do you rebuild a city that is built on nothing? Its a difficult question. The city of New Orleans has a history as flavorful and colorful as its food. At one time it was considered the cultural epicenter for America. It was a place where the french mixed with the african mixed with the latin mixed with caucasion and everything else in between. You could mix anything in New Orleans. It virtually birthed jazz and its sister music genres. Personally I say we rebuild it. Its very clear that they'll need stronger levees. If we can build Hoover Dam, why can't we keep Lake Pontchartrain from spilling into New Orleans? I'm not in the army corps of engineers but I can tell their system needs some new ideas. I am sure they are busy working on new ways to bail out the city as we speak.

No doubt everyone is doing what they can to aid the relief efforts. If you can spare anything, here are some places where you can help.

Donate to Red Cross Through Yahoo

Donate to Red Cross Through Amazon.com

Donate to Salvation Army

Katrina Help Wiki

Advice On Charitable Contributions from Charity Navigator.org

Here is a great blog that highlights the disaster:
Dancing With Katrina

Our hearts and thoughts and prayers are with the victims and relief workers involved with Hurricane Katrina.

Keep Giving,
Porter Langley

Hooked On Phoenix

2005-08-29T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm in Phoenix Arizona all week to set up a new site for the unnamed avionics company I work for. While here I will be taking in the local sites as usual and reporting them back to the masses. The journey here was pretty pleasant. I can't complain. There were no real incidents that can ruin a good traveling experience. Like the full body cavity searches poor Madison was subjected to on her last flight. She just has that terrorist look to her.

The journey from Grand Rapids to Phoenix covers a vast amount of space. The lush waterways of Michigan give way to the patchwork quilt of the midwest. Lovely green and beige circles dot the vast grid of farmer's fields. This eventually turns to the arid fractal landscapes of the wild wild west. Roadways and waterways become indiscernable from 35,000 feet. The winding rivers pickup the ancient blood-red silt leaving red veins across the inhospitable voids. Civilization follows what little water we see from above. America is so vast and so big. Its easy to forget the shear mass of it while nestled in your quiet hamlet. America is still kicking and screaming with youth yet so massive in its power and its diversity, and so ancient in its preface. Worlds upon worlds interlocking, clashing, interracting, and melding. It has become the proving grounds for culture. Everything in America casts a sharp shadow, a land of opportunity yes, but also a land of harsh duality. Reveling in its mass, I'll never be ashamed of this big ass country. Lessons are learned everyday, some the easy way, and some the hard way. It will occasionally disappoint, but never shame me.

I arrive in Phoenix having only spent an hour on an airplane, at least that's what my cell phone tells me now that it has synced with the mothership. Pacific Time. I step off the plane into 110 degrees. Its a "dry heat" they say. Bullshit, its hot. The entire city of Phoenix is nestled between bone-dry mountains. The soil here is so ancient. Its not soil, its dust. Dust is very different from dirt. It has its own heat and its own fire. I'm baking in this martian landscape. The sky is much bigger here, and the earth so much older. Remove the windows and doors from these buildings and you have instant ruins. Everything here is built of the earth. There's no such thing as wood to this distant civilization. They wouldn't know what to do with it. You don't need wood to make shelter here, just a bucket of water to make mud and the patience to watch it dry.

Its as though everyone here pretends that it isn't over 100 degrees. Everywhere you go you are blasted with ice cold air. Air Conditioning can only do so much. Even in a room where the thermostat reads 72 degrees, your body still knows that its really 110 outside. Your body won't allow you much reprieve. Your body speaks to you in that Samuel L Jackson tone, "Its 110 in this plot of the big rock, it might be 72 in your bubble, but you can't fool nature, bitch." Then you start to sweat.

If you can't beat them, join them. Here I am on this ship of fools enjoying the complimentary cocktail at the Embassy Suites Biltmore with all the septegenarian golfers pretending that it really isn't 110 degrees outside. For a moment, just one ignorant moment, I am convinced.

Stay Cool,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Make A Grown Man Cry, Goodbye Gonzo, and Dognappers

2005-08-21T17:35:00.000-04:00

August is always an eventful month of the year. I hope everyone is enjoying the full-tilt head-on finale of summer. Zeptember is almost upon us already. Pretty soon the leaves will be falling and we'll be boarding up our homes for the winter again. Don't pack up your shorts just yet its a hot one this year. What ever happened to El Nino? When is that supposed to kick in again? That was such a fun year. Everything was El Nino this and El Nino that. People were wearing El Nino hats and drinking toasts to El Nino. We need to reinstate El Nino for a little variety again. Oh well, speaking of variety check out the headlines today:

Make A Grown Man Cry

As most of you know the Rolling Stones are back on tour. With a combined age of 245 they aren't letting anything slow them down. They release a new album in September entitled A Bigger Bang. They are well into their media blitz and you'll be sure to see them doing NFL promos during football season this year. There's a great interview of Keith Richards from the UK's newspaper The Independent Online Edition:

This is how Richards goes on: holding court, spinning anecdotes, and generally leaving no buckle unswashed. No huge surprise, then, that he has reportedly been offered a part in Pirates of the Caribbean III (Pirates II is already in the can). While his pal Johnny Depp famously used Keith as a template when playing the roguish Jack Sparrow, Richards says he can neither "confirm nor deny" his own involvement in the trilogy.

"What I can tell you," he says, "is that when we were finishing the album in LA, Johnny came down to the studio to talk about the movie. Behind him was, like, the Disney wardrobe department or something, and we spent the rest of the afternoon hilariously dressing up in pirate clothes. I'm up for doing the film and so is Johnny, so hopefully we can schedule something in ... I'd obviously bring my own cutlass, ha ha!"

Check out the rest of the interview here.

The thought of Keith Richards playing dress-up with Johnny Depp is pretty funny. Its certainly not very hard to picture. Its great to see Richards back on tour and we'll hopefully see him in POTC 3.

Goodbye Gonzo

Johnny Depp has been a busy boy having put together the final ceremony for Hunter S Thompson. It sounds like his farewell was really something. From the article in the Aspen Daily News:

The ash blast occurred at 8:46 p.m. while a kimono-clad Japanese drum band wailed away. The red-white-and-blue pyrotechnic show featured more than 30 firework missiles exploding into the dark horizon, punctuated by three hologram double-thumbed gonzo fists.

Those who toasted Thompson included actor Bill Murray, former Nitty Gritty Dirt Band musician Jimmy Ibbotson and a slew of his neighbors and friends.

"It's a fantastic crowd," said Thompson's longtime friend and neighbor Don Dixon. "Half of the people here look like Keith Richards."

Richards was invited to the fiery farewell but could not attend because he is preparing for the Rolling Stones concert in Boston on Sunday.

Thompson's ashes were blasted out of a 153-foot monument - 2 feet taller than the Statue of Liberty. The "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" author often violently disagreed with how his image and materials were produced.

"He'd probably say it wasn't quite big enough," said Ralph Steadman, who flew in for the ceremony from London after last seeing Thompson in the fall of 2004. "We want him back. (Saturday night) was a kind of pleading for him to come back. All is forgiven."

Read the rest of the article here.

Hunter S Thompson will be missed, he's long been celebrated here at Conclamo Ludus. Its a shame he isn't still around. He had been writing a regular column over at ESPN.com and I have to admit it was becoming more and more depressing leading up to his suicide back in February. I rarely agreed with Hunter's politics but always enjoyed his intensity and his style. We look forward to The Rum Diary and hope to see the film finished one day.

Dognappers

I was out for a walk with Madison this morning and happened across an interesting story tacked onto a telephone pole on the corner of Union and Lyon. Apparently there is some guy named Paul who lives in the neighborhood who is stealing dogs and holding them against their will. There is a story here somewhere. Who is Paul? What the hell is he doing this for? Who are the owners and how do they know Paul? What's Paul's problem. I guess if you know anything about it you're supposed to call 690-0885 or 862-8245, and I guess call me too cause I'm really curious now.

Bad Dog,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Big Ass Animals

2005-08-19T10:55:00.000-04:00

What is the one thing America needs more of? Big ass animals. That was the conclusion that a team of scientists recently made when they put forth a plan to reintroduce species of elephants and cheetahs into North American parks. That's right, just when we thought we were safe from getting mauled by cougars, we now have to worry about being trampled by elephants and run over by cheetahs. Personally I'm all for it. Its an interesting idea. Scientists say that it will not only increase the number of extremely endangered animals, it will promote eco-tourism, and spur on the ever-dropping animal-related death tolls. Africa currently hold most of the wild kingdoms predators, why should they have all the fun? Lions, Elephants, Cheetahs, and Wild Horses, all have a stake in this. I've been lobbying to get some chimps in there, but we can only do so much.

From the article:

They proposed a second phase that would include reintroducing African cheetahs, lions and Asian and African elephants to large private parks.

"Free-roaming, managed cheetahs in the southwestern United States could save the fastest carnivore from extinction, restore what must have been strong interactions with pronghorn and facilitate ecotourism as an alternative for ranchers.

"Managed elephant populations could similarly benefit ranchers through grassland maintenance and ecotourism," they wrote, adding that reintroducing lions would represent the pinnacle of the Pleistocene re-wilding of North America.

They admitted the plan would be controversial but said it was a far better option than simply accepting the terminal decline of some of the world's most impressive species due to human encroachment and global warming.

"Pleistocene re-wilding is an optimistic alternative," they wrote. "The obstacles are substantial and the risks are not trivial, but we can no longer accept a hands-off approach to wilderness preservation."

Read the rest of the article here.

Rest assured as soon as this plan is enacted Domino Brooks will never again leave his home.

Stay Wild,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus Reviews: Guero, The Modern Mind, and Jade Empire

2005-08-18T11:56:00.000-04:00

Its about time for some reviews. I'll probably be making this a somewhat regular feature here at Conclamo Ludus. I considered dropping it altogether until I heard that sales have peaked since I recommended the latest album by the Gorillaz. This was in part thanks to Baby Chambers and The Rev for spreading the good word. As most of you know I have a tremendous appetite for media of all kinds. Whether its books, DVD's, video games, or comics, I am constantly in search of the next great story. I feel as though I owe it to the creator of the work to pass it on to my friends and associates. This week I've chosen the latest album from Beck, a captivating 800-page compendium, and a Kung Fu movie simulator.

Beck - Guero

Not to be confused with Guano, Guero is the latest album from folk-rocker Beck. Over the past fifteen years, Beck has given us a myriad of sounds. Many of his songs escape the signature "folk" sound, but he maintains the folk-singer ideal. He is just one man, singer and songwriter, traveling the world recording what he sees. I am certainly not the first to refer to him as a folk-singer, but many may disagree after hearing his sound. Beck has always drawn from an eclectic pool of soundscapes. Never afraid to mix, say moog with banjo, or harmonica with turntables, or even harpsichord with steel guitar. His music sound and style ranges from Blues to Hip-Hop. He entered the mainstream with his surprise hit Loser in 1994. With the opening lyric "In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey," he won me over.

Since then he has released several critically acclaimed albums spanning genres and sounds, each of which has been slightly ahead of the curve. In 1996's Odelay Beck reminded us that two turntables and a microphone were the new one-man band. 1998's Mutations, arguably his strongest work, mixed country, blues, and traditional folk sounds while experimenting with Bossa Nova. Then in 1999 Midnite Vultures was released, a radical departure for Beck, he billed it as his Soul album. Midnite Vultures was wildly experimental yet incredibly natural sounding. He then returned in 2002 to his more reserved sound with a Country album Sea Change. Finally in 2005 he's returned with Guero.

Each album of his has been very distinct, Guero borrows from all of them. This is his most balanced album by far. Each track could have come from one of his former albums. The opening track "E-Pro" has become the most radio friendly with its viral Na-na-na-na-na-na Nah it sounds like a B-Side to Odelay's "Devil's Haircut". He then takes you right in to "Que Onda Guero" a latin low-riding street cruising song, it roughly translates into "That Guero Wave". The sun-bleached summer anthem "Girl" reeks of coconut oil and beachsand. Both songs "Missing" and "Earthquake Weather" have almost a Beach Boys Pet Sounds flavor to them. He tosses in a Hip-Hop track "Hell Yes" which sounds like it came right off of his Midnite Vultures album. His last 3 tracks on the album are his strongest. "Farewell Ride" is a haunting cowboy dirge that leaps off the album. "Rental Car" could have easily found its place on Odelay, and the final track "Emergency Exit" is easily one of the best on the album, its reminiscent of the fusion-folk sound of Mutations.

Because of how well-balanced this album is, I would recommend it to a newcomer of Beck's music. Its full of rich and unique flavors and stark emerging images. His lyrics have always provided a poetic alternative to modern culture, conjouring up bizarre stream of conciousness images reminiscent of William S Burroughs with a Frank Zappa twist. I give the album a whopping 8 out of 10 bananas. Check it out.

The Modern Mind - Peter Watson

The only thing crazier than writing an all encompassing book of the intellectual history of the 20th Century, is to read an all encompassing book of the intellectual history of the 20th Century. Peter Watson took on an inconceivable task when he decided to catalogue every major idea in every major aspect of life in the 20th century. The most amazing part about it is that he managed to make it an entertaining read. You have to have a pretty big thirst to make it through his 864 page compendium, but you would be surprised at how interesting it is. Everyone knows who Sigmund Freud was but do you know the context of his ideas? What else was going on in the world at that time? Who were his friends? His enemies? Who did he influence? What the book is best at is providing a deep historical backdrop to all of the major advancements and ideas of the Modern Age. He crosses disciplines to show how they may have influenced eachother like Science and Art, and Religion and Music. Peter Watson didn't write the book to be used as a textbook either, it would appear that he wrote it for people to read on the shitter. Each small chapter reads like a short essay with breaks between major ideas and concepts. It makes the perfect bathroom companion for the closet intellectual. Its no small feat to finish this book, a journey that has taken me 2 years to complete, but I have enjoyed it thouroughly and would recommend it to anyone looking for an interesting challenge. The Modern Mind will leave you with a rich and surprisingly optimistic view of the history of the 20th Century as we step boldly into the 21st. The Modern Mind receives a difficult 7 out of 10 bananas.

Jade Empire - XBOX

For the gamers out there we all know that the XBOX, or as Dr. Brazleton like to call it the seXBOX, has never had a library of good RPGs. For a while the only fix us RPG fans could get was with the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic series. The games provided a great mix of role-playing game elements with action-friendly gameplay which proved to be a winning combination with gamers everywhere and they quickly became the sweethearts of critics. Canadian production house Bioware, creators of the first KOTOR have now released their new materpiece Jade Empire.

Jade Empire is an Action/RPG game that takes place in a fictionalized ancient China. You play the last of the Spirit Monks as you work to uncover the spiritual unrest across the empire. At your disposal is a wide array of martial arts styles, weapon styles, and even magic styles to aid you in your quest. The game is a more action-packed departure from Bioware's style. All combat is real-time as opposed to the point-click-fight style of the KOTOR series. The plot is fantastic as it takes you from a monk student to taking on the entire empire. The story is filled with dramatic plot twists and sidequests that will keep you on the edge of your seat. The production values are big too, bringing in voice talent from John Cleese and Brian Doyle Murray. If you own an Xbox this is a must have title weighing in at 8 out of 10 bananas. The fictionalized ancient china is interesting. What's more interesting is the concept that a Canadian company has put together a game based on the fictionalized ancient China. What would it be like if the Chinese put together a game based on a fictionalized ancient Canada? Or America? Hmmmmmm...weird.

The Rumor Mill

There have been a rash of Tango Velasquez sightings all of which have been reported by Domino Brooks. Apparently Tango is alive and working at the Taco Bell on Diamond and Michigan. The excesses of his hedonistic Friday-Employee lifestyle have not killed him. Something tells me that passing out while working at TGI Fridays and waking up working at Taco Bell is quite the sobering experience. Nevertheless we all wish him well and hope all of his dreams come true.

Good luck to Madison this weekend as she goes up for her teaching certification for yoga. It is a long and difficult process and she has worked hard to earn it. She's a great teacher.

In The News

This is just awesome. Apparently a Crocodile's immune system is able to kill the HIV virus. Doc Braz has been drinking Croc's blood for years but nobody was listening to him when he touted its health benefits. From the article:

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Scientists in Australia's tropical north are collecting blood from crocodiles in the hope of developing a powerful antibiotic for humans, after tests showed that the reptile's immune system kills the HIV virus.

The crocodile's immune system is much more powerful than that of humans, preventing life-threatening infections after savage territorial fights which often leave the animals with gaping wounds and missing limbs.

"They tear limbs off each other and despite the fact that they live in this environment with all these microbes, they heal up very rapidly and normally almost always without infection," said U.S. scientist Mark Merchant, who has been taking crocodile blood samples in the Northern Territory.

Read the rest of the article here.

Love,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: The Chicken Payback, Breakformers, and MC JL Picard

2005-08-14T18:33:00.000-04:00

The internet is a very large and scary place filled with strange delights for all the senses. Occasionally I like to take a random sampling out of the internet, put it on a slide, throw it under the microscope, and publish the results. Almost everytime I do this I manage to find some really disgusting stuff, after I filter out the filth I end up with 3 parts porn 1 part other stuff. I file the porn away in the Conclamo Ludus porn vault for Dr. Brazleton and then take a look at the remaining part. It is this part that I now share with you. If you've got a few minutes to kill and you're in the mood to see something new and interesting on the internet, come journey with me.

Chicken Payback - A Band of Bees

My first selection today is a music video from a group called "A Band of Bees" on Astralwerks recording label. The music video has a Kill Bill vibe to it with its whacky mixture of Japanese culture and 60's psychedalia with a 1980's twist. The song called "Chicken Payback" has a sound to it that just about anybody could mistake for The Byrds, The Animals, or The Yardbirds. Its a really great sound and they mention monkeys in the song. The video is hilarious. A Japanese youth enters an arcade with his entourage, fires up a Dance Dance Revolution machine and commences one of the greatest dance routines I have ever seen. Only Baby Chambers or Jack Tack could rival his level of solo performance. Make sure you stay to the end to here him say Rock and Roll. It will put a smile on your face no matter what is happening in your day. So click the link below to watch Chicken Payback by A Band of Bees:

Watch The Chicken Payback on Windows Media Player

Breakformers

Giant robots that change shape into things is a concept that took the entertainment world by storm in the 1980's. Whether it was Transformers, Gobots (The poor man's Transformers), or Voltron, we all had our favorite badass multi-purpose robot. As children we all had dreams that one day we would drive cars that had personalities that could change into giant robotic friends at any moment. I can't be the only one who had that dream. As the robot craze swelled we saw another phenomenon creeping across the nation. Everywhere you looked you saw kids spinning on their heads next to ghetto blasters pumping out repackaged drum beats. Breakdancing was everywhere. We had great epic films like Breakin' Through and Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Alphonso Ribeiro's breakdancing mats were selling like hula hoops. One such popular dance moved was often called "The Robot" for its stiff tin-man like movements. Now some 20 years later a college kid gathered up some nostalgia and put together a video of transformers breakdancing. Its a very post-modern concept, you see before you a robot basically doing "The Human". The video gets further complicated when you realize that you are watching an animation of a robot immitating a human immitating a robot. The song is a catchy remix of the orginal transformer's theme song. If you have any inkling of nostalgia, your heart will warm over the first time you hear the signature transforming noise. Click the link below and enjoy this top-notch animated music video entitiled "Breakformers".

Watch Breakformers

MC Picard

And finally my last pick today is an entertaining dance track spliced with some choice sound bytes from Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek. Patrick Stewart's staccato declarations are perfect for the rhythmic synth-disco track. If you have any respect for Patrick Stewart or Star Trek or both, you'll find this quite humorous. If not, you'll at least want to dance. Listen to it a total of three times in your life. The third time you hear it will be the funniest. Any time after that it may lose all semblance of humor. Any less then that and it won't have time to sink in. Trust me. Try it.

Listen to The Picard Song

The Rumor Mill

I seem to have fallen under the weather since the camping excursion. I had the nice opportunity to utilize a sick day this week. Friday August 12th, Madison and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary and the anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. And today I celebrate making it to 27 years old. It is my birthday.

Happy Birthday To Me,
Porter Langley

Swiss Family Lewiston

2005-08-10T13:30:00.000-04:00

Summer is all about camping. Especially if you live in Michigan. Especially if your from Northern Michigan. For you outsiders, Northern Michigan refers to the northern area of the Lower Peninsula. The Upper Peninsula is just affectionately called the UP. The Rockwell's, Taffy and Junior, are from Northern Michigan. Lewiston to be exact. There isn't much in Lewiston. Then again its all relative. If you consider the greatest hamburger I've ever stuffed in my face to be not much, then there's not much in Lewiston. To some people, say Domino Brooks for example, a delicious burger just might be everything. But I digress.

The Rockwell's have traditionally carved out a campsite on Bear Lake in Lewiston since they were born. The only time they've ever missed a summer camping was when they had to go get married. Now they are near their one-year wedding anniversary and what better place to spend it?

We had a pretty good crew carefully hand-picked by Junior Rockwell and Domino Brooks. In attendance were Baby, Bear, and Beam Chambers, Mr. and Mrs. Junior and Taffy Rockwell, Darnell Mackenzie, Vicki Hammerstein and Fiona Constantine, Chase Rockwell, Jerry and Jane Olafsson, and of course Domino Brooks and myself. Noticeably absent were Dr. T Barry and Rosalita De La Cruz-Brazleton, new parents Frank and Bianca Copeland, and Madison Greene who had a yoga tournament to attend. I arrived just before sun-down on Friday evening. Friday night was the perfect night around the campfire. We carried on sharing memories, ghost stories, and dirty jokes well into the night. More people arrived as the night wen on until finally people started to retire back to their tents. It was clear that Darnell, Domino, and Baby were driving the bottle hard into the wee hours. At some point we all lost sight of Darnell.

We began to worry a little considering the last time we saw him he was on the wrong end of a double-barrel bottle shot. It was Rum vs. Vodka for Darnell. Either way he was going to end up losing. He emerged moments later in a black neoprene frogsuit. He was out of breath and had been running away from a nearby enemy campsite. They had accused him of stealing firewood, but they had no proof. Darnell was clearly upset about the incident. Details are sketchy but Domino may have belted out some insults towards Darnell. The following events unfolded before my very eyes:

Figure 1-1: The Challenge

Figure 1-2: Humiliation

Figure 1-3: Retaliation

Figure 1-4: Protection

Figure 1-5: Deception

Figure 1-6: Revenge

As the night wore on and our eyes got heavy I started to worry about the sleeping situation. I knew that my safety could not be guarenteed if I had to bed down in the same area as Domino. Domino is a wreckless and dangerous sleeper. He is a maverick in the sack. He has violent disturbing and sometimes prophetic dreams every night. Nobody is safe near him. For some reason he preyed upon me any change he got. My memories take me back to the night Domino Baby and I shared a bed in Allendale. We were celebrating our last evening ever as patrons of The BS Lounge. We were symbolically castrating that establishment and that lifestyle from our lives. No longer would any of us dare to sing karaoke again. Unless it was at a corporate-sponsored event. The next morning I opened my eyes and found myself staring directly into his! He was inches from my face. I thought he was watching me sleep or something, but he was sleeping with his eyes open. He had started in the middle of the bed, I was on the right and Baby was on the left. We each had plenty of room as long as we kept to ourselves. I'm not sure how it unfolded but I must have lost more and more ground throughout the night. I ended up sleeping on a 4-5 inch sliver of space that was left after he moved his hulking body closer to the right side of the bed.

I stared into the campfire. "Not tonight", I thought, "No way". It came time to draw straws. Who was going to sleep on the right side of Domino? The stars aligned against me and I drew the short straw.

The morning could not come soon enough. Domino had his usual Bears vs. Gorillas dream. These are violent dreams in which he often thrashes about, sometimes bursting into maniacal laughter, other times bellowing out howls of rage at unseen demons. In this reoccurring dream, Bears are fighting Gorillas for world domination. They have guns. Humans are caught in the crossfire with only Wolves to protect us. I had no wolves to protect me though. All I had was my sleeping bag. I awoke with my body pressed up against the dew-covered side of the tent. Domino was snoring loudly inches away from me. Had I not moved from the path of this monster we would would have been spooning by dawn.

I collected myself. Today was the day we face the river. We ventured out early. We had to get to the Parmalee Trading Post as quickly as possible so that we could get tubes to go down the river. We stopped by the Kettle for breakfast but were deterred by the massive crowds waiting to get in. Small town restaurants are incredibly busy. So we chose the next best thing, Subway. I've never had a Cold Cut Trio before 11:00 AM before, but it wasn't the worst breakfast I could have ate. We finally got to the Parmalee Trading Post only to find that all the tubes had already gone out that day. We would be stuck with canoes. Gulp.

My traumatic experiences with canoes go back to a very early age. The constant fear of tipping over and drowning combined with feeling of no control was enough to trigger a little terror in me. I chose Domino as my oarsmen, I was going to steer this bad boy. We opted for the 4 hour float, good thing too, you never want to canoe for less than 3.5 hours, or more than 4.5 hours. We ended up on the river for 7 hours. Well over our threshold. I'm getting ahead of myself though.

We put in the Muskegon River at about 2 PM. We were just behind a group of about 35 people. They were a well-armed fleet of gunboats. Each boat had at least one person armed with a high powered water cannon. A few of the heavy gunners had two water cannons taped together to form a sawed-off double-barreled water blaster of doom. We weren't prepared for this. We didn't have the men, the ammunition, or the armor to go toe-to-toe with the Spanish Armada. So we let them get ahead of us. Our strategy was to just stay neutral.

The water was cold but nothing like the Little Manistee River. We could survive it. I quickly got the hang of steering the canoe. It only takes a few moments of watching other people flip over, to figure out what you need to do to stay afloat. We had the food cooler in our boat for ballast. This was a double-edged sword because at any moment Domino could get into it. If he got into that cooler he would eat all of our provisions for the day. Several times I had to give him a good hard thwack on the head with my oar to protect our rations. "Stick to the booze you monster!" I shouted at him. As if this wasn't problem enough, we weren't on the river for more then 15 seconds before Baby removed his swimming trunks. Bear could do nothing to stop him and just let it go. He would have been scorched alive had Taffy not volunteered to liberally apply sun-tan lotion all over his ass.

We paddled on and on and I soon began to get annoyed with the frequent stops we had to take. It started out taking a stop every 15 minutes so everyone could pee. As people got drunker it became less of a chore to pee so people came up with very creative and interesting ways to relieve themselves. The most shocking was perfected by Jerry and Jane Olafsson who had no problem standing in ankle deep water and letting it go while fully dressed in their suits. They would piss, rinse, and be on their way. At some point we beached up alongside a large group. That's when we meant Uncle Bernie.

Bernie was a real riverman. He was missing all but a few teeth, had long scraggly hair past his shoulders, and clearly used whiskey for cologne. His body was covered with tattoos of knights with swords and fairy-tale castles. He took an immediate liking towards me because of my cowboy hat. In the drivers seat on his canoe was his partner in crime Ted. Bernie and Ted looked like a couple of swamp-rats floating down a sewer on an old log. A green cloud of pipeweed and swampgas surrounded their raft like a hazy psychedelic aura.

"Take a good long look Domino Brooks," I said, "Who says you can't see your future?"

For a while Bernie and Ted held Domino and I hostage. They docked alongside our canoe telling us stories of the Northern Michigan Bayou. Bernie kept his hand clenched in a deathgrip on our canoe. My thoughts went to old pirate movies where a salty-dog seaman would grab a knife from his teeth and slice off the ropes of the pirate boarding party. Finally instinct go the better of me and I smashed my oar down upon Bernies fingers. He let out a groan and barreled over into the water holding his hand. Domino and I saw our change and paddled away while the two fought to get back in their canoe shaking their fists at us.

Staying together as a group became increasingly difficult. Darnell and Chase, two Class C certified canoers were too unchallenged by the river and quickly took to smashing into everything they could with their canoe just to be entertained. Chase Rockwell took the helm like some riverboat Poseiden with a crown of seaweed in his hair. Meanwhile Baby and Bear could not stay in the boat at the same time. They went back and forth like a seesaw. Bear would go tumbling off the front of the boat. She would climb back in only to see Baby go spilling out. After a few minutes of their cooler payload was soon floating in the water inside the canoe. Jane and Jerry were cruising along despite Jane almost never touching her paddle, Vicki and Fiona were managing to do just fine but we would have to switch the groups around or we would never survive. I'm not sure who thought of it first, but got Chase and Darnell to split up so Vicki and Darnell took one boat and Chase and Fiona took another. Fiona really came out with the short end of the stick on that one. Chase continued to rock the boat all the way home.

Taffy and Junior were doing well to keep command of the group but as they got more wasted and more tired we all started to dissolve a bit. It was soon becoming apparent that we would be lucky to get off the river by sundown. Tired, sun-baked, dehydrated, hungry, cranky, and sober, the experience was beginning to wear on me. Especially when Domino and I and the Olafsson's broke away from the group and got too far ahead. We didn't know where our landing was and we overshot it by a half-mile of swift-moving river. After trying in vain to paddle against the current we finally decided to tie up our boats at a cottage on shore and walk back along the road to the boat landing. The others came looking for us but were able to get back. Once we all regrouped the situation became apparent. We were all feeling at the end of our wits. It was 9:00 PM and we hadn't eaten dinner yet. Tension was high and emotions got the better of us as we left the trading post. Domino and Taffy damn near got into a fist-fight in the car on the way back to the campsite. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed and the Rockwell's went to sleep it off.

The rest of us headed to Talley's for Talley-burgers all around. The Talley-Burger is the greatest burger I've ever had in Michigan. It was delicious and really hit the spot after a long day on the river. Talley's is actually quite the nightclub. There's a real nightlife to Lewiston. People came from all over the tri-county area to rub elbows with the who's-who of Northern Michigan. When I saw a very tall man line dancing alone with leather chaps on, I knew it was time to turn in. My mission was to get in the tent and fall asleep before Domino's antics kept me awake. It barely worked.

Everyone woke in the morning to the rooster crowing. Jerry and Jane had already split and everyone else was breaking camp. Apologies and tear-filled goodbyes filled the morning air. The 2005 Lewiston Camping trip was a success. Nobody died on the river, everyone learned a few things about life, loving, and learning. We all eagerly look forward to next year.

Thanks Rockwells!
Porter Langley

Motivational Mishaps

2005-08-04T07:47:00.000-04:00

I'm a little late on this weeks update. I apologize for the delays. This past week I was sittin' on the can at work. I had been there for about half an hour when I heard a rapping on the side of the stall. It was the Vice President of Murders & Executions. I look down at his $750 Italian Leather shoes in the stall next to me.

"Uh. Hello?", I whisper.
"What seems to be the problem son?" I scratch my head at the disembodied voice booming from those expensive feet. "You've been in there a half hour."
"I guess I'm just not as regular as I used to be." I explain.
"Well. I know what you need. You're all blocked up. Can't think outside the box. You feel trapped, tense, and stuck." He was starting to really creep me out.
"Uh. Yeah, you could say that." I politely whisper while pulling up my un-ironed khakis.
"I can help you fix that. I've got just the thing." Just as I was about to run for my life he slides a single blue ticket across the floor. Printed in big red letters is the phrase "Get Motivated! Seminar". There's a row of headshots of motivational hotshots across the ticket.
"You want me to get motivated?"
"Goddamn right son. That'll get you moving again. Its all day Tuesday. I want a full report on Wednesday of what you learned."
"Uh, yes sir." I replied. I breathed a sigh of relief.

So Tuesday I find myself in the Platinum seating at the sold out seminar at the Van Andel Arena. I was a 2nd row witness to an onslaught of motivation. From 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM I had so much motivation thrown at me that I could no longer contain myself. 8 hours of life-changing inspiration is something you usually only get from infomercials or Christian television. This was kind of a combination of both, with a few great speakers thrown in for good measure.

The Get Motivated! seminars usually blow into town like an energetic circus. Its like a traveling sideshow of snake oil salesmen and small-time con-men. To be fair they ride on the coattails of some exemplary individuals who are really there to share some great advice.

The line up went something like this:

Tom Izzo
Michigan State Football Coach

Tom gave a great intro to the whole thing. He mostly talked about his methods of motivating people. It usually involves a lot of shame. His presentation was pretty good and he wasn't trying to sell us anything.

Zig Ziglar

Holy shit. This guy has completely lost his mind. He's sort of the King of all Motivators. He went from screaming his septegenarian head off to wooing you with a soft sultry growl. I'm not sure what I took away from Zig. He's happy, but he's nuts.

Phil Town

This guy is hilarious but he took the entire time making a sales pitch to us. It was an infomercial, but it was at least an entertaining one. He gave us a few valuable investing tips such as, "When the CFO of Tyco is selling his stock in the company, its probably a good time to get out." It sounds like common sense, but then again so many people stood by and watched the company tank.

George Ross
Senior VP of Trump Industries

If you've ever seen The Apprentice you'd recognize George immediately. He's that crotchety old man that isn't afraid to tell Donald exactly what he thinks. He provided some great advice on negotiation. He would know. He's not just a reality-show hack he has presided over the most lucrative real estate transactions of all time. He's a dynamic speaker filled with off-color jokes and one-liners. George kind of resembles Uncle Junior from The Sopranos.

Tom Hopkins

Tom was easy to tune out as he went on and on about real estate and how to sell it. Then he conveniently offered his really expensive cassette tapes to help you be a multi-zillionaire.

Lunch

For lunch they just turned us loose. So 15,000 people get dumped into the streets of Grand Rapids with 60 minutes to eat. The woman who runs the Coney Girl hot dog cart across the street made a fortune.

The Beach Party

After lunch we were subjected to loud "beach" music and forced to dance. I began to feel very alone amongst 15,000 people. I didn't feel like dancing. Not here. I just ate lunch. But people around me were really motivated. I saw one lady who owned a small business forget who she was for 15 minutes while bobbing and weaving to "Surfing Safari". I was beginning to feel like I was on one of those tv churches except without all of the Jesus stuff.

They were giving out a trip to Disney World to the person that acted the most insane. I was suddenly amongst 15,000 people who were going to be rewarded for losing their minds. I started to panic. I pictured the seething, roaring mass pounding their way down towards the stage, trampling me under foot. All in the name of a trip to Disney World. I sat down while the sea of people danced around me like beach bums in some 1960's surfer movie. Just when I thought I saw Annette Funicello they unleashed a half-ton of beach balls on the crowd. Things were getting way out of hand. I couldn't hide. I just kept getting pummelled by beach ball after beach ball inscribed with the slogan Get Motivated! Finally they invited four of the nuttiest people up on stage for the four-way dance of death.

The final four were pretty motivated. They wanted that vacation so bad that they would give up all humility and dignity. I've never seen grown men and women fight for something so vehemently. It started out as a twist contest and eventually turned into two twenty-something career-gals wrestling on the floor. Fists were flying tempers were flaring. Finally the emcee pulled them apart and the woman on top walked home with the prize. It was downright bizarre. Just when I thought I was hallucinating Peter Lowe took the stage.

Peter Lowe
America's #1 Success Strategist

Peter Lowe is a younger peppier version of Zig Ziglar. He resembles Carrot Top's less-talented older brother. The guy is so out of control that you are positive he is putting you on. The red-headed maniac comes out and lectures you about money and motivation and how you too can become as rich as he is. This man has made his fortune telling people they should go make a fortune. I really think that his whole speech was a satire of motivational speakers. Surely no serious speaker could get away with being so over-the-top, so cliched, and so unintentionally hilarious. But that's Peter Lowe. The creepiest part of Peter Lowe is that he has an incredibly huge and successful business but there is virtually nothing about him on the internet. He has left a very cold trail.

As if we needed another sales pitch, we were next subjected to some guy teaching us how to buy foreclosed homes from underneath people to turn a mighty profit. I really don't care to drive off with a truck-load of cash while watching poor people get thrown out of their homes. Ethics anyone? Sure its lucrative, so is selling drugs, or scamming people into buying your cassette tapes with the "secrets to success".

Jerry Lewis
King of Comedy

Comedy legend Jerry Lewis came out next. He hobbled onto the stage and broke the cycle of sales pitches with one-liner after one-liner. His generation of comedy had no rules at all except that you should offend everyone. This didn't sit well with some of the younger crowd who believe that only black comedians can do racial comedy. But thats Jerry's generation. Its comedians that jab at every stereotype under the sun and make themselves the butt of the joke more than a few times. It was pretty refreshing. At 80 years old he's still splitting sides. We see his influence today in everyone from Jim Carey to Baby Chambers.

Suze Orman
Personal Finance Expert

Finally, just when I thought the whole event was a bust, Suze Orman brought back some class into the place. Suze is a topnotch speaker and a woman who knows money. On top of it she has that greater sense of ethical wisdom that we don't immediately attach to the uber-wealthy. She looks a lot better in person than she does on tv. She kept talking about how it pisses her off when people say that, but its true. She's a sexy forty-something but she is not photogenic. If you have a tv you have seen her before. Whether its her show on CNBC or her award-winning documentaries on PBS, you'd recognize her short boy-cut hairdo and her whacky wardrobe of bright blazers. She had a lot of good advice to offer about money and life. Her main point was that you have to give. Its just conventional wisdom. When you put your hand out to give, you are putting it out to receive. No matter who you are or how much money you have, you have to be giving some away. More on this later.

Rudolph Giuliani
Former Mayor of New York City

Last but not least was "America's Mayor" Rudy Giuliani. He is truly a great speaker. Rudy talked about his definition of leadership citing examples from former President Ronald Reagan and Martin Luther King, Jr. He certainly carried a presidential air with him which leaves me with little doubt that he'll be running. At times he slipped into a little bit of campaigning, but it was kept to a minimum. He's got a larger-than-life New York personality.

The Verdict

I walked away from the seminar with a few helpful hints and tips. I enjoyed hearing Jerry Lewis, Rudy Giuliani, Suze Orman, and George Ross speak. The rest of the sales crap I could have done without. I returned to work the next day with a full report. I was brimming with success and no longer felt trapped by the shackles of stagnation. I am now a self-motivated machine. The most important thing I learned was that I should do some regular charity work. So each month I will announce a new non-profit that I will be giving to that month. Please feel free to join in. Non-profits love donations of any size. Anybody can spare $5.00 or more a month to some charity. Feel free to join me in each month's charity. I can't find a better cause to start with than Chimp Haven. So if you're into the giving spirit then join me in sending a donation to our friends who are saving the world one chimp at a time.

Get Motivated!
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Monkeys Ride Cow-back, and Ape Retirement Communities

2005-07-28T11:59:00.000-04:00

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Rawhide

Conclamo Ludus fully supports all primates on this planet. And we have taken it upon ourselves to be a voice for the lesser primates. We also fully endorse cowboys, not the Dallas Cowboys, or people who are half-man half-cow, but John Wayne type cowboys, or even more so Clint Eastwood type cowboys, or if you're Domino Brooks Kurt Russell type cowboys. One of the most mind-blowing images in cinematic history is in the great film Planet of the Apes when you see apes on horseback.

What is it that is so bizarre about seeing an ape on horseback? Is it because they are so much like us? Is it because they are so different from us? Is it the unique paring of primate (a more wild form of human) and horse (a domesticated creature)? We would not find it so strange to see a bird on the back of a hippo. But this is different. Its almost like seeing an ape walking a dog. Or smoking a cigarette. Or driving a car. Or holding a firearm. I think there are few images more poignant in Planet of the Apes then when we see the Apes on horseback. For some reason that subtle detail drives the theme home more than anything else. We watch the apes capture and enslave humans, we watch the apes fight wars, but for some reason it isn't until we see apes riding horseback that the metaphor really strikes us.

The reason I bring this all up is that this week our Primate Correspondant kjake over at kjake.net has given us an image we will never forget. An Ape, not on horseback, but on cowback. Yes, he has been to the other side, and he saw a monkey riding a cow. This is apparentley a normal sight in the Culvers restaurant in St. Joseph, Michigan. I have never been to St. Joseph, I have never had a reason I guess. Until now...

The Golden Years

I don't know what is creepier, the fact that a monkey can be trained to smoke cigarettes, drive cars, ride a cow, or shoot a pistol, or the fact that we have tried to train them to smoke cigarettes, drive cars, ride cows, and shoot pistols. Regardless it is nice to know that there is a place for monkeys to retire. Last weekends New York Times Magazine has a great article on the next generation Monkey House. Its called Chimp Haven, and is a federally-financed project to provide a perfect retirement place for chimps. The first two were a pair from NASA's space program. It sound like a pretty nice place to live. Of course the Clockwork Apes have staked out their own plot for when they retire too. From the article:

This past spring, in a secluded patch of forest in northwest Louisiana's Caddo Parish, a singularly bizarre bit of evolution unfolded. There, amid the sun-dappled pines and flitting birds, a pair of 40-something chimpanzees named Rita and Teresa -- lifetime research subjects who were originally taken from Africa for use in NASA's space program -- became American pioneers of a whole other sort: the first beneficiaries of an inspired piece of retirement legislation passed by the United States government. Under the watchful eyes of animal behaviorists, veterinarians, enrichment specialists and daily caretakers, Rita and Teresa checked in on the afternoon of April 4 at the recently opened Chimp Haven, the first federally financed, taxpayer-supported retirement home for chimpanzees.

They arrived in a specially equipped trailer after an eight-hour drive from the Southwest Foundation for Biomedical Research in San Antonio, Tex. After receiving full physicals from Chimp Haven's in-house veterinarian, including dental checkups for possible extractions or root canals, the two chimps were shown to their spacious new sleeping quarters, complete with fresh running water and cross-ventilation, multiple windows and skylights, hammocks made of neatly crosshatched sections of used fire hose, bedding of warm blankets and hay, vanity mirrors, as well as a TV, a VCR and DVD and CD players.

Following a long nap, Rita and Teresa awoke to a couple of banana smoothies and were shown the door to their courtyard. As it was recalled to me by a staff member, they paused a moment to regard the somewhat otherworldly prospect of a wide-open, odor-free patio, a playground jungle gym and, just beyond the play yard's far walls, their own private five-acre expanse of grapevine-laced pines and sweetgums. And then, as if in some unwitting primate pantomime of the very Apollo 11 moonwalk they'd helped to make a reality, they stepped out into the sunlight and tentatively down onto an equally unfamiliar earth.

Banana smoothies, DVD player, hammock, sounds pretty slick. Read the rest of the story here.

This is a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!!!
Porter Langley

Olde Tyme

2005-07-26T12:29:00.000-04:00

Michigan has always had a pretty robust local music scene. Whether its Bluegrass, Blues, Nu-Metal, Techno, or Jazz, one can easily find new music from local sources. Conclamo Ludus, as an institution, has spent the last few years tirelessly catalogueing and sorting through local and regional Blues musicians. From bluesman Larry Garner to Urban Blues Union, we've sat in the best and worst juke joints and honky-tonks that Grand Rapids has to offer. All of this information has been stored safely away in the Conclamo Ludus archives. One of these excursions to see the band Steppin' In It at Billy's Lounge led me straight into the arms of Miss Madison Greene. With a little nudge from Baby Chambers, some great ideas from Doc Braz, and some helpful advice from Kid Compton, I soon began my PG-13 courtship of Madison.

So almost a year later we try to catch a show from Steppin' In It any chance we get. Last evening WYCE in conjunction with GRTV and the Grand Rapids Community Media Center hosted a special show at the Wealthy Theatre featuring Steppin' In It with special guests Seth Bernard & Daisy May. The recently renovated Wealthy Theatre is a great venue for Grand Rapids to have. It attracts a very diverse set of events from independent film screenings to lectures and book-signings. Here's a little history taken from their website:

Wealthy Theatre, 1130 Wealthy Street, was constructed in 1911 for vaudeville and live theater, and later became a neighborhood movie house. It served during World War I as a warehouse for the Michigan Aircraft Company, and in the 1960s, offered the only regional venue for foreign films. It closed in the late 1970s and stood empty, decaying for more than 25 years before the South East Economic Development neighborhood association launched a capital campaign to fund its restoration. The Theatre re-opened in 1998 as a community arts center and heralded a transformation of the entire Wealthy Street business district.

First up on stage were Seth Bernard & Daisy May. They are pure American roots musicians. Seth Bernard at times seems to be a bit of an anachromism, but then you realize how timely his music really is. He hails from a Woody Guthrie style that you don't see very often anymore, and you rarely see done well. Seth is exceptional at capturing that traveling American spirit. In our postmodern world there is a necessity for people like Seth & Daisy. They traverse this great land of ours reporting their travels in their songs. This is the tradition of American roots music and Folk music in general. Daisy May is the perfect counterpart to Seth. While Seth digs deeply into politics, spirituality, and travel; Daisy takes us into the poetic realm. Her observations on love, life, and learning, can at first seem simplistic and youthful, but soon resonate with wisdom and experience. There is innocence in her poetry, but very little naivity. Her voice is Country-bold but creased with Soul. It is obvious that she comes to the stage with a great knowledge of music, and no surprise that she comes from a long line of musicians. With lyrics like "My heart is a painted rodeo clown distracting the pain so I can ride all night long", she exudes a confident midwestern sexuality. She has a lyrical prowess that surprised me with its talent.

Various members of Steppin In It assisted Seth & Daisy throughout their act. Finally it came time for the full band to take the stage. Having met at a Steppin In It show, Madison and I were really excited for the event, but unfortunately someone scheduled this thing on a Tuesday evening. It drives us crazy, every time Steppin In It comes to town, they perform on a weeknight. Being gainfully employed this makes it difficult to enjoy a night on the town. So by the time Steppin In It blew through a few songs it was bedtime for Porter. As usual Steppin' In It's great blend of Zydeco, Blues, and Folk sounded just right. These guys are a very talented group.

My only complaints about the show were that it was on a Tuesday instead of a Saturday, and that within ten minutes of the lights dimming a green cloud of weed came wafting through the air. This is the kind of thing you expect from a Tom Petty concert but at an all-ages evening theatre concert it just came off as embarassing. Most people were snickering but it obviously bothered a few of us. It was funny until you could here a baby crying in the back row. If it was you, go get high before the show not all of us need to partake in your fun. Sorry I'm such a prude.

Darn Whoopersnappers!
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Kim Jong the Illest, Star Wars is a True Story, and Transformers

2005-07-21T10:26:00.000-04:00

Golfing With Kim

It so sad when people have squandered their talents. Once in a while a star comes along who could soar to the highest peaks of acheivement, but instead they are too busy doind other things. Such is the case of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Ill. The news came as a shock to the golfing masses when it was discovered that the dictator is the greatest golfer of all time. Conclamo Ludus Foreign Correspondent Alex S. sent us the story from the World Tribune. From the article:

Pyongyang media say North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il enjoys golf, having shot multiple holes-in-one during his first try at the game. He reportedly aced five holes and finished 38 under par on the golf course. The "Great Leader" routinely shoots three or four holes-in-one per round, the government-controlled media reported.

Read the rest of the story here.

More Than Meets The Eye

Its about damn time! For those of us who grew up with the Transformers cartoon series, few things can warm our hearts more than this great news. Director Michael Bay is bringing the giant robots to the big screen in a live action Transformers movie produced by Steven Spielberg. With the latest wave of remakes, Dukes of Hazzard, Scooby Doo, Fat Albert, and now Transformers, I have begun developement on my script for a live-action version of Disney's Talespin. It will star John Goodman as Baloo, Alan Rickman as Shere Kahn, Jonathon Taylor Thomas as Kit Cloudkicker, and Renee Zellweger as Rebecca. It could happen. From the article:

Cool-looking robots who convert themselves into battle tanks and other vehicles in order blow up things real good are at the mechanical heart of the Transformers, the classic tale of good automaton (the Autobots) versus evil automaton (the Decepticons) in a battle for control of Earth. Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots; Megatron, the dark lord of the Decepticons. Both Autobots and Decepticons hail from the planet Cybertron. All this backstory and more was revealed in Transformers, the syndicated cartoon series launched in 1984 with the help of toy-maker Hasbro, which simultaneously--and savvily--launched a still-thriving merchandise line.

No less savvy today, the makers of the new Transformers movie have already begun a full-scale offensive. The new official Website (www.transformers.com) went up Tuesday. Transformers: Cybertron, the latest animated series, launched this month on Cartoon Network. Burger King cooks up a monthlong action-figure promotion beginning in August. And this weekend in San Diego, on the occasion of Comic-Con International, the geek world's largest annual gawkfest, an 18-wheel truck touting the franchise's considerable wares will be beached in the convention hall.

In theory then, this thing ain't going to be Transformers: The Movie.

No doubt William Fichtner will have a character bit as Optimus Prime's alcoholic father.

Read the rest of the story here.

A New Hope

Scientists have officially confirmed the entire Star Wars saga to be a true story. At least thats what all of us geeks are claiming now that Tattoine has been discovered. Astronomers discovered a gas giant in the system HD 188753 (AKA A Galaxy Far Far Away), that has not one but three suns. This is no doubt Luke Skywalker's old stomping grounds. From the article:

The new finding could upset existing theories that planets usually form out of gas and dust circling a single star, and could lead scientists to look in new places for planets.

"The implication is that there are more planets out there than we thought," the commentary said.

Caltech astronomer Maciej Konacki, who wrote the research article, refers to the new type of planets as "Tatooine planets," because of the similarity to Luke Skywalker's view of his home planet by the same name, with its multiple suns, in the original "Star Wars" film.

Read the rest of the story here.

The Rumor Mill

Lance Corporal Rod Rubio is officially engaged to his sweetheart Clara. He is a handsome daring marine, and she is a beautiful Americorps worker. Together they just might save the entire world. Congratulations! Domino Brooks has found himself the proud owner of a 2001 Black Ford Explorer Sport. He is officially entering a different stage in his life. When I caught up with him on his front porch in the ghetto, he had this to say:

"With the Dodge Intrepid Sport I had entered into a very fast phase of my life. I was moving very quickly in all aspects of my life. Now the Explorer Sport will allow me to enter into a phase where I can tackle bigger tasks, not necessarily faster. I can now climb mountains. Of course I still have the Sport mentality."

The best part about it, he tells us, is that he can briefly go back to his 2 car system. This allows him to always have one vehicle at the bar and the other at home. Tonight Domino and I are off to see the romantic comedy Wedding Crashers.

Go Decepticons!
Porter Langley

Corporate Culture

2005-07-19T09:49:00.000-04:00

You may have heard about it, you may have laughed at it in movies like Office Space, or occaisional Dilbert cartoon, or you may have lived it. For those of us who call a cubicle our home we often appreciate these for different reasons. Shows like The Office or films like Office Space are revealing documentaries delving into the dark realm of Corporate Culture. Its where words like "Synergy" and "Memo" rear their ugly heads. Some call these weasel words. They are words that have weaseled their way into mainstream media one way or another. Its the reason why people have personal "Mission Statements".

As many of you know I am not just a biographer of Domino Brooks, Baby Chambers, and Dr. Brazleton. I am also a crime-fighting genetically-modified super-ape. And I am moonlighting in the IT department of a Fortune 500 company. In my job as "the computer guy" I am doused in painfully humorous Corporate Culture, lit afire, and forced to burn in it. It may in fact be one of the circles of hell. My proof? I'll give you proof. As I speak our "Employee Appreciation" team is setting up a karaoke stage on the front lawn. As employees we will be forced to hear our managers and others belt out hits like:

Meatloaf: Paradise By The Dashboard Light
Joe Walsh: Lifes Been Good To Me
Bon Jovi: Living On A Prayer
John Travolta and Oliva Newton John: Grease Mega-Mix

and more!

I can deal with this though. Its one day of highly concentrated cheese. The real pain though is daily. In every department, in every cube farm, in every company, there is the "funny guy". He loves to be the funny guy. He stakes his claim to the funny guy throne by rattling off things that he thinks are universally funny. This is fine, we all like a good joke now and then. But, if I hear "Git her done!" one more time in a meeting, or worse yet "wazzzzzzuppppp!!!", I can't be held responsible for my actions. The painful part of the funny guy isn't that he tries to draw attention to himself by acting obnoxious, its that he is using catchphrases that are 3-5 years old. The latest episode of Six Feet Under captured this perfectly when Claire's coworker nods at everyone and delivers the excruciating "Yeah, Baby!" in Austin Powers swagger. The writers of Six Feet Under knew what they were doing. The funny guy never has material that is fresh. I know that I can plan on hearing "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" being shouted over cube walls in about 2-3 years from every funny guy in the company.

Well I gotta run. I've got to hit the stage. I'm doing a duet with my co-worker AK47. They call him AK47 because he used to work for some Korean Gang in NYC before finally settling down in the IT department here in quiet Grand Rapids, MI. We are going to karaoke "A Whole New World" from the Alladin Soundtrack. I'm going to be Regina Belle and he's going to be Peabo Bryson. We usually alternate but he claims its his turn to be Peabo.

Yeah, Baby!
Porter Langley

Art in Grand Rapids: Space Inquisition

2005-07-17T08:35:00.000-04:00

Space Inquisition

Last night Madison and I took the opportunity to dip into the art scene in Grand Rapids. We checked out the latest exhibit from Grand Rapids artist Space Inquisition. The installation art exhibit was the work of duo Nikos Monoyios and Ben Pederson who make up Space Inquisition. Together they turned their studio space into a somewhat interactive maze of media. They taped long pieces of VHS tape all over the ceiling and then scattered the ends along the maze and anchored them down. At the end of the maze was a video camera setup to be turned on the tv that was displaying its image. The result is the effect you get when you have two mirrors facing eachother.

Just in case it was a trap, I sent Madison in first.

I got lost in the maze and was about to panic.

My humble interpretation of the desired message was that we are all lost in this maze of media, and in the end the human being is taken out of it. Our media has become media watching media. Perhaps with reality tv being so scripted, we have produced something less real then television that is meant to be scripted. The message is that in the end there is nobody tending the lighthouse. A single video camera is turned onto a television that it is piped into. The television displays a neverending view of itself.

The media is the message.

The reverse angle shows all the artsy people at the show.

The idea of installation art is pretty cool. I like the way they turned the whole space into one piece that was to be experienced. It was amusing to watch people cautiously walk through it. I was really tempted to go crawling through it off the path, but there was a sign telling me not to. I'm kind of a stickler for the rules. I'm looking forward to see the next incarnation that the boys at Space Inquisition come up with next.

That's Deep,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus Reviews: Fantastic Four, The Gorillaz, & Sandman

2005-07-12T17:47:00.000-04:00

With Madison running off to Ann Arbor, MI for a Yoga extravaganza, I'll take a little time to put together a few words on the latest and greatest, and not-so greatest. Every once and a while I like to endorse a few things and spread the love to my fellow apes. Take a gander at the latest items in the Conclamo Ludus Library:

The Fantastically Mediocre Four

Conclamo Ludus, being a legion of ape-like superheroes locked in eternal battles against the forces of evil, can usually relate well to comic book movies. Whether its Tim Burton's Batman, Domino's top pick, or Daredevil, Dr. Brazleton's favorite romantic comedy, comic book movies have always had a welcome place in our library. Coming off of the high from the masterpiece that was Batman Begins, I expected a lot out of The Fantastic Four. I think we all did. In the age in which our heroes are constantly re-realized by a new set of visionaries every 5-10 years, I was ready for some dark, brooding update in the same vein as Batman Begins or even Revenge of the Sith. What we got was not bad. What we got was a comic book on film. At first I felt a tinge of disappointment. I envisioned a more grown up version of the story. Perhaps Thing is responsible for some horrific accident due to his brutish strength. Maybe Sue Storm uses her power to feed her addiction to sexual voyeurism. Perhaps Mr. Fantastic cheats on Sue with a lab assistant. Perhaps the whole crew have a difficult time dealing with the Human Torch's dangerous party-boy lifestyle. Flame On! No. Not here.

Since they panned my script and haven't returned my phonecalls, we were left with a different Fantastic Four. We were left with a wholesome movie that probably captured the crew as they were originally intended. The movie never offends. It isn't very daring, or dark, or thrilling. But as a whole the film was fun to watch. I give it 6 out of 10 Bananas.

The Gorillaz - Demon Days

The Gorillaz are a fully animated band of misfit primates cutting and pasting culture together. The are the ultimate mix tape, the perfect collage, and the most entertaining music I've heard in a long time. With their self-titled debut album, they scored a surprise hit with "Clint Eastwood". The song was well produced, and catchy and spawned a slew of remixes and b-sides. Their latest follow up is one of the most polished albums I've heard in years. They draw from so many influences it makes your head spin. Simply sit down put in the album and turn it up. The big hit on this album will surely be Feel Good, Inc. The song follows the Gorillaz formula. It seems to combine an ass-moving bass line with a childish nursery-rhyme feel. It blends nicely and then the smoke clears and De La Soul throw down a lyrical spill that insures that you'll hear this song in every splinter of counterculture. Of course its already in an iPod commercial.

Other tracks take in a slew of unheard collaborators, from Neneh Cherry, to the London Community Gospel Choir. They mix a wicked cocktail. Demon Days is gives us some sweet relief that music can still surprise you. My other top tracks on the CD include Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head and All Alone featuring Roots Manurva. Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head almost plays out like a rock opera. It came as no surprise to learn that the entire album was produced by Danger Mouse, the DJ behind the now legendary Jay-Z Grey Album. I give Demon Days 9 out of 10 Bananas.

Sandman - Neil Gaiman

I jumped into the world of graphic novels, somewhat skeptic that they would offer anything more than superhero fantasies and pretty pictures, what I found was a some of the greatest writing and character development to probably be published in the last 25 years. Neil Gaiman's Sandman series has long been one of the best selling series of graphic novels, and for good reason. The stories are very clever, steeped in literary and pop culture references in every volume. His stories are part Twilight Zone, part Twin Peaks, part Canterbury Tales. I've made it up to volume 6 of the series, volume 5 is by far the best. The series follows the character of the Sandman, the keeper of Dreams. Dream's family include Death, Delirium, Desire, Destiny, and Despair, all of whom have reappearing roles in the stories. The artwork is very cinematic and draws you closer and closer. Check them out as a nice read in between books without pictures. You'll soon find yourself hooked. I give the series a nice 9 out of 10 Bananas.

Enjoy,
Porter Langley

The Cab Ride From Hell and Other Scary Stories

2005-07-10T13:14:00.000-04:00

Across The River Styx

Conclamo Ludus has a long history of uniquely disturbing cab rides. From the cabby who refuses to speak to us, to the cabby who spoke in great detail of his friends murder, we have endured the most unnerving rides home. None could be more haunting than Dr. T Barry Brazleton's latest foray on the eve of his birthday last week.

There are some things that Dr. Brazleton believes in very strongly. A lot of times we don't understand them. He seems to be a stoic nihilist until you tap one obscure nerve ending inside his belief system, and then all hell breaks loose. Backed into a corner, Dr. Brazleton will do anything to survive, and will stand up for what he believes in. Doc has stood up for some pretty strange things. His undeniable hatred for country music for instance, or his unwavering ire towards Bill Walton and everything he stands for. Then there are things that Conclamo Ludus stands for. These things Doc will defend, as in this case.

Doc had stayed late at the bar, celebrating with his uncle Baby, Domino Brooks, and a host of others. When closing time came, his dear wife had gone home early and he was left with no choice but to put his faith in the Grand Rapids cab system. It is doubtful that Doc will ever call a cab again. There are some things nobody should go through twice. Doc politely paid his tab at the bar and stepped outside into the summer night air. After several minutes a blue Chevy Caprice pulled up to shuttle Doc home. Doc being a scholar of music much like the rest of us in Conclamo Ludus, he quickly inquired as to the cabbie's choice of melodies. The Caprice rumbled forward and the journey home was now underway. Doc's music specialties lean more towards classic rock, jazz, blues, and classical. He has little patience for people's ears that lie elsewhere in the musical spectrum. The cab driver had his dial set to a country station. Whether Doc struck up the conversation to drown out the music, or to ernestly get to know his chauffeur, is uncertain. What is certain is that Doc would soon wish he hadn't missed his ride home with his wife.

"So you dig country music?" Doc asked.
"Yeah man, I love country." Replied the cabbie.
"Who do you like?"
"Oh, I guess I like Kenny Chesney, Big & Rich, and Shania Twain. You know, the good stuff."
"Sure," Doc was growing impatient.
"I like other stuff too. I'm really into classic rock. Maybe even more than country." The cabbie continued.
"Oh thank God," Doc thought. Finally this guy isn't a total loss, "What classic rock do you like?" He asked.
"Oh I like the real classic stuff. The innovators of rock and roll. Not this modern rock crap you hear today. I like the true original rock stars. The ones who started it all and kept it alive through their whole careers."
"I hear ya," says Doc, "Rock and Roll is dead. The classics are the only thing worth listening to any more."
"Yeah, I think if I had to come up with a list of my favorite bands it would be:

1. Boston
2. Styx
3. Rush
4. ...well I can't really think of any more bands that are at that level."

"Stop the fucking cab!" Shouted Doc. "Stop the fucking cab right now!"
"What?!" The cabbie whirled around in his seat.
"Let me out of the car." Doc felt sick. Was it that his top three bands were so awful, or the fact that he couldn't think of any more bands? Was it his reverence for such awful music? Who knows. But Doc would take a stand against such blaspheme.
"I can't just stop the cab, you have to pay for thi- Hey close the door man!" The cabbie tried to stop him.
"You make me sick!" Doc shouted as he lept from the moving vehicle, the sidewalk moving by at a swift 25 mph. As Doc can tell you, 25 mph doesn't seem very fast until you leap from a moving car at that speed. A tuck and a roll landed the good doctor without anything more than a few minor scrapes and bruises. It was a long way home however. The 5 mile walk home at 2:30 AM gave Doc plenty of time to relish in his victory. He walked off singing Land Ho! by the Doors at the top of his lungs. An ear is a terrible thing to waste.

Turn Up The Jazz Flute

In what can only be seen as a victory for Conclamo Ludus, local anchorman and self-declared local celebrity Tom Van Howe has agreed to sign over the news desk to the previously passed over Larry Nienhaus. Van Howe, has long been an enemy of Conclamo Ludus since his unprovoked intimidation against Dr. Brazleton and Domino Brooks at the local eastown hang out, The Brandywine. Since the days on Chester Street neither Doc or Domino felt safe in entering the Brandywine without fear of retribution from Van Howe and his cohort Craig James. Larry had always been sympathetic to Conclamo Ludus, and we are greatful to see him step forward reclaiming his rightful position as heir to the News 8 Cabal. Read the whole story here.

Zombie Dogs?

And in other news. Some mad scientists in Australia have actually managed to create Zombie Dogs. They replaced all the blood in the animals with a liquid near freezing temperature. The dogs were clinically dead for hours and then they pumped the blood back into them. The dogs came back to life. Creepy, but true. Tests on humans will be next. In the name of science Conclamo Ludus may be attempting a similar experiment on Baby's dog Beam. Perhaps we will finally be able to housebreak him. We might not do the part that includes bringing him back to life though.

The Rumor Mill

Stopped by and hung out last night poolside at the Westcott. Lenny Vaughan kept us quite entertained. When I arrived Domino Brooks was behind the bar. He was shouting various orders that nobody was listening to. I arrived to find the remnants of a mean game of flippy-cup. I was in good company with biker Butch Compton, Kid Compton's father, Black Tony, Lenny's wife Mary Jane, and hair band groupie Kim Howell, and a nearly comatose Jack Tack. We hung out poolside listening to country music and discussing the finer points of nothing at all. Kim's been after me for my arm-wrestling championship title but I had to politely decline. I've officially retired from the Ladies Arm Wrestling circuit. Jack Tack in rare form, well in common form, danced around the pool feigning masturbation for most of the evening illiciting several fits of roaring laughter from us juvenile delinquents. A good time was had by all.

Happy Birthday Dr. Brazleton. May you live forever. Tonight Conclamo Ludus reunites to see The Mantastic Four. I think I would be the Invisible Chick, Domino would be Thing, Baby would be the Flexible Guy, and Doc would of course be the Flaming Guy. Dr. Doom would be played by Tom Van Howe, or any member of the Eagles, but probably Don Henley.

And Howe,
Porter Langley

National Lampoon's Northwoods Vacation

2005-07-07T21:27:00.000-04:00

This 4th of July, Madison and I planned to do as our fellow Grand Rapidian's do. Get the hell out of town. Friday we loaded up the truck and were northward bound. Our destination was to our dear friends Josef and Melanie Strobel's place in a small town called Levering Michigan. Levering is a small town near Pellston, Michigan. Pellston is a small town near the Mackinac Bridge.

Known as the "Icebox of the Nation", Pellston consists of about 800 people. It attracts a certain rugged pioneering type. A type not unlike our friends Josef and Melanie. Jo & Mel are what I would describe as very green people. Imbued with a healthy dose of counterculture and an undying curiosity and love for nature, Jo & Mel have carved themselves a beautiful living in the icy landscape of Levering. Of course, we were there in the summer, so the penguins and the polar bears had migrated further north for a few weeks. The result? A perfect vacation spot for Madison and I to rejuvenate.

This is what they call a driveway in Levering, MI

A view of the sunset from the driveway, and you begin to understand why they live there

Josef and Melanie welcomed us with open arms and gave us a full tour of their chateau. Its built on a plot owned by a community farm. Jo & Mel have been renting it. Jo works for the county studying ground water while Mel is a burdgeoning ornithologist at the U of M BioStation on Douglas Lake. They grow a lot of their own food right in their back yard. Josef couldn't wait to show us his various projects.

The Main Garden and a view of the Pavillion

The Exterior of the house built into the side of a hill

From the outside the house takes on the quaintness of a hobbit hole, but from the inside it feels like a swiss ski chalet. It is manufactured out of mostly salvaged wood from the hardwood floors rescued from an old gymnasium, to the cedar beams from a German Restaraunt. Its quite spacious for two people.

The Crop Circle Garden

Josef's latest project is building these compost bins

Their growing methods are completely organic and Josef plans on using natural compost from the bins in his gardens. The crops are planted in a method used taught by Native Americans. Corn, squash, and beans are planted together. The corn grows tall and the beans then grow up along the corn stalk, meanwhile the squash keeps other weeds from growing in. The only other time I've seen this genius method at work was on the Brooks Ranch.

The second night we were there the place took on an Andersonian (Wes) aura. Jo & Mel invited a group of rowdy researchers over from the U of M BioStation. These people are hardcore nature geeks. Their characters were so varied and so unique that the only thing they had in common was their intense passion for whatever they were in to.

There was a young bald-headed bearded man who had just finished his Master's on Sea Ice. He had just gotten back from a 2 month gig on a 400 ft Ice Breaker in the Bering Sea.

Another young woman told us the fascinating story of how her Grandfather's recent death left her with one of two of his most prized posessions. Aunt Beatrice got the grandfather's shotgun, and she got his hand-crafted 18th Century violin. Under her steady hand the violin had become the fiddle and she could play all manner of waltzes and jigs.

I joined the campfire at one point and found myself unable to keep up when the conversation dissolved into an argument over the taxonomy of carnivorous plants. I was just trying to wrap my head around the concept of carnivorous plants, let alone the latin names. None of them could tell me what family the Conclamo Ludus belonged in. I had a few guesses though.

The U of M BioStation on Douglas Lake

The popular topless beach in Levering

Madison and I got to really reconnect and decompress. We had a little help from Mary Reilly at Northwoods Yoga in Petoskey. We took one of her classes on Saturday morning that consisted of the most strenuous workout I've ever endured. Mary's studio is absolutely gorgeous. Its in a renovated speakeasy. History tells us that the Mitchell Building used to have a grocier on the first floor. Whenever Ernest Hemingway was in town, which was quite often, he'd always run off with the grocier's daughter. Its got some rich history.

We also took in our share of the local sites. We had a heaping pile of steamed shrimp from Bob's Place in Alanson, MI. We toured Brownwood Acres on Torch Lake. And Madison found a giant cock in Levering.

Madison Vs. The Giant Cock

Madison can't wait to get back in the car for another 4 hours

We had a great time in the woods for the 4th. Stay tuned for Dr. Brazleton's Cab Ride From Hell, and other scary stories.

Happy Birthday USA,
Porter Langley

We Were The Champions My Friend

2005-06-28T20:13:00.000-04:00

Last week the Detroit Pistons played their last game of the season. Surviving members of Conclamo Ludus met up at Joe V's Sports Bar to hopefully cheer their champions to another victory. Sadly the championship was not in the stars for the Bad Boys this year. In the end our blue collar team was beaten by a mad introvert psychologist and a tango-dancing Argentinian Guard. It hurts. It really hurts. But alas, we come away with these heartwarming pictures.

Jerry Olafsson begins to lead the excited crowd in a cheer. Domino Brooks turns to the camera for some face time.

The Reverend steps off the court for a moment to show us his spirit.

Baby embraces Bear. Notice the fat gemstone on Bear's ring finger. That's right! Baby and Bear are going to renew their wedding vows.

I spoke with Domino the other day and we talked about how we can begin to move on with our lives. Its difficult no longer being a champion, but it does allow certain freedoms that we couldn't afford before Game 7. For Conclamo Ludus it means that we can slip back under the radar and get back to working on our game. With the Pistons as champions our dirt-court basketball games were frequently interrupted by scouting agents and managers looking for the next big thing to come out of Michigan. We can finally get back to playing in peace.

It is official, the greatest nonsense fan quote of the season was submitted by Domino Brooks. This is one for the books.

"It's a Pistons Fanwich...Nothing but Meat!"
-Lenny Vaughan, Game 6 Pistons Vs. Spurs

Let's Get Retarded,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus News: Here Kitty Kitty, Ape Art, and Barbecued Fleas

2005-06-28T09:22:00.000-04:00

Cat Got Your Tongue

As reported to me by my friend Alex over at tribe.net, a 73 year-old Kenyan man killed a Leopard with his bare hands. He did so by ripping the tongue out of its mouth. Incredible. The closest thing I've ever seen to that type of struggle was watching a nude Dr. Brazelton beat a bat to death with a toilet brush in the hallway of our former headquarters at 4 in the morning.

NAIROBI - A 73-year-old Kenyan grandfather reached into the mouth of an attacking leopard and tore out its tongue to kill it, authorities said Wednesday.

Peasant farmer Daniel M’Mburugu was tending to his potato and bean crops in a rural area near Mount Kenya when the leopard charged out of the long grass and leapt on him.

M’Mburugu had a machete in one hand but dropped that to thrust his fist down the leopard’s mouth. He gradually managed to pull out the animal’s tongue, leaving it in its death-throes.

Read the rest of the story at MSNBC.com

The Latest In Primatology

The above picture is not Jackson Pollack, it is a painting done by Congo the monkey. Congo's abstract expressionist artwork is fetching prices of up to $25,000 for his work.

Do you see the banana? I do.

From the story at npr.org:

All Things Considered, June 21, 2005 · Three paintings by a chimpanzee named Congo sold at auction in London Monday for about $25,000 -- after having been expected to fetch less than $2,000. The winning bidder was Howard Hong of Pasadena, Calif. He speaks with NPR's Robert Siegel about his animal-art purchase.

Congo died 40 years ago of tuberculosis. In life, he was a frequent and popular guest on Zootime, a British television show hosted by animal behaviorist Desmond Morris.

Congo left behind some 400 drawings and paintings.

In 1957, Morris curated an exhibit in London of chimpanzee art, which included a number of works by Congo. Morris was interested in exploring chimps' ability to create order and symmetry and in our human impulse toward creativity.

It's an idea that also intrigues Hong. "Who is to say that humans have a monopoly on the ability to concept abstractly?" Hong says. "I think many pet owners would disagree with that statement."

Apes win again. Who says all they do is fling poo?

In Other News

The Flea Roast in Irons, MI happened last week, sadly I could not make it. Early reports indicate that Baby Chambers, Jack Tack, Domino Brooks, Lenny Vaughan, Doc Braz, and others turned that town upside down again. Baby, better known as Koko at the Na-Tah-Ka Bar, was on hand signing autographs wearing little more than an ape mask. Hundred came from all around to play in a pool tournament against the pirouetting Jack Tack and his partner Koko the Monkey. Jack and Baby made out with about $6,000 the equivalent to a years salary in Lake County. Domino Brooks was witness to the festivities and may post a report later this week.

Meow,
Porter Langley

Announcing: The Dr. and Mrs. T Berry Brazleton-De La Cruz

2005-06-21T19:46:00.000-04:00

I Do

Where have I been? It has been over 3 long months since the wedding event of 2005 took place. What excuse could I possibly come up with?

Well for starters, I spent most of the Spring season in a seedy motel room on the outskirts of Atlanta, Georgia. I was sent there for one sole purpose. Acheive MCSE certification status. The training process involves 18-hour sessions for 18 days, in which the Microsoft mantras are pounded into your psyche. After the first 8 days, I quickly began to doubt that I had any existence prior to my miserable La Quinta motel room. Although I fielded a few calls while in my cell, I don't have much recollection of the entire experience. I came back and had to be deprogrammed by the best psychiatry team in Grand Rapids. I barely made it out of the "boot camp" alive. If you have to endure Full Metal Geek, than I would recommend CED Solutions for your MCSE Training needs.

I have told you all that, just to tell you all this. Dr. T Berry Brazleton and Rosalita De La Cruz have been married. And I have pictures to prove it. It was a beautiful ceremony, performed by the good Doctor's older brother.

Beautiful Bride

Where Do Baby Apes Come From?

The ape nursery. I couldn't believe they put us up in the nursery. Grown men in tuxedos who are about to marry off their buddy should not be running around in a nursery. Because they may have brought ape masks with them. And whiskey. And those things should never be in nurseries.

The First of Many Ape Sitings

Domino Brooks Sips His Cough Medicine

The Wedding Party consisted of your usual suspects, our attorney Jack Scheffield, Sam Kaplan, Baby Chambers, Domino Brooks among others. Bear Chambers and Calico Kaplan made appearances on the other side of the aisle.

Jack Scheffield and Kid Compton exchange their vows.

"The Defense rests your honor."

None of this tomfoolery compares to the elite reception hosted at the BOB downtown. Jimmy Stagger played us in and kept the music crashing through. There was an endless sea of well-wishers and carousers bobbing and weaving to those locomotive Bo Diddley Ditties that Stagger does so well.

Porter Langley dips his date Madison Greene

Younger Brother of Domino Brooks, Buck Riley Brooks is seen here enjoying the cuisine with Mama Brooks.

Of course with any wedding/party/concert/public gathering there comes a time when people just start letting go and taking off their clothes and putting other clothes on. Nobody is quite sure what happened first, but in the end, as pictured below, Domino Brooks ended up in his Free Winona Ryder t-shirt, Buck Riley ended up in a Pistons jersey, and half of the guests ended up in ape costumes.

Dances With Apes

Domino awkwardly stares at his date's crotch.

No that is not Stanley Kubrick in a Pistons jersey, its Buck Riley Brooks.

A good time was had by all, despite the snowstorm outside. I've never been the greatest wedding correspondent. Domino Brooks usually provides the best insider view into wedding festivities. Enjoy the pictures, and as always, I leave you with one last disturbing image that will stay with you forever.

There has never been a look of joy as pure as Baby Chamber's face in this photo.

Stay Married,
Porter Langley

Conclamo Ludus Episode III: Revenge of the Apes

2005-06-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

Conclamo Ludus is dead. The headlines read.

Everywhere you turned you saw the twilight of an era. In the streets the people fell silent. From Eastown to Cheshire, the shopkeepers boarded up their windows. The nightlights went out. The ape masks, now collected a furry layer of dust. The candles blew out.

What became of our legion of heroes? Had they died, had they finally given in to their murderous instincts towards eachother? Did they truly separate? How did they go so quietly? Was there a struggle?

A post-breakup analysis has been sanctioned by several unseen forces. After a long deliberation and consulting with my family, I have decided to re-open the vault. This decision does not come easily. The following paragraphs detail a few of the influential forces that have shaped my decision to revisit the subject.

The first persuasive call came from a vicious letter-writing campaign, which through further inspection revealed its source as one Domino Brooks. However in following the paper trail, it appears that the movement spun out of Domino's control and he no longer has a hand in its agenda. The campaign has since spread to several different countries under several different monikers. In Brazil it is known as Conclamo Ludus Para Os Povos and has become a small cultural revolution in the developing rural areas. At the universities in Italy it has been called Gli Allievi del Movimento di Conclamo Ludus. The groundswell of support has not gone unnoticed. Several counter-revolutions have sprung up to attempt to quash the rebellions. All because Domino wrote a few nasty letters to me.

The second calling came from my instinct to protect my loved ones and myself. As I sat in my new furniture-less apartment watching amateur anime porn one saturday morning a brick came crashing through my window. I heard the unmistakeable engine rev of a Dodge Intrepid roaring down the street. There was a note attached to the brick that simply said "If Conclamo Ludus Dies, Porter Langley Dies." Judging from the dorito cheese stains on the letter it came from Domino Brooks. Another morning I received a beret soaked in cat-piss, no doubt from the maniacal Dr. T. Berry Brazleton, a man who has become the recent owner of a feline. And then presumably from Baby Chambers an envelope filled with white powder. Upon later analysis it proved to be a non-lethal combination of talc and alum, or common Baby Powder. These events can only be interpreted as threats. I no longer feel safe. I believe that the truth shall set us free. So it is with a heavy heart I pick up my pen once more.

As I return to the blogosphere, I must inform the reader of some changes that may not be easy to take. Naturally this blog will be more a continuation of my life. It will focus more on my misadventures than on the group as a whole, as it has in the past. I hope that everyone will welcome the new changes, and I am not so arrogant as to think that my solo flights will ever match the excitement of the early Conclamo Ludus days, but I will nevertheless do my best to write about something people care about.

Is Conclamo Ludus dead? Yes. But very much in the way that Dracula is dead, or Obi-wan Kenobi is dead, or Elvis Presley is dead, or Rock N Roll is dead, or The Rolling Stones are de-, well you get the idea.

In Conclamo Ludus we trust,
Porter Langley

The January Resolution: The Endtimes

2005-01-03T21:13:00.000-05:00

There isn't one single event that marks the end of Conclamo Ludus. There never will be. It would be easy if we all went out in a hail of bullets, or down with the ship, or disintegrated in a Strangelovian mushroom cloud.

The reality is we are just all rounding different corners in our lives. The time has come for us to build our lives alone. Our timelines are branching off and splitting and expanding in directions previously unseen. We are nearing the end of the era of our lives that we will define as Conclamo Ludus. Porter Langley, Domino Brooks, Baby Chambers, Dr. Brazelton, and others will continue to live, breath, speak, drink, shit, cry, laugh, and go apeshit, but they will now do so alone. When I took the position of Director of Artistic Differences, I knew the time would come when the band would break up, and the greatest excuse to use is to always cite artistic differences.

So we now go our separate ways. Of course there will be the reunion tours, the tell-all books, the occasional Oprah. But this is the end. I move forward into my career, back to school, and spending time with this really hot chick. Doc Braz launches headlong into the shackles of marriage. And Domino seeks out new bars to haunt, new strangers to chase, and a new burgeoning career. I can promise that the website will stay active for a while. There are so many pictures to go back through, stories to share, etc. but I can only promise a quarterly update at best.

I would do it all again, but this time with more apes.

Love Forever,
Porter Langley

The November Notice: Mount ApeMore

2004-11-02T20:53:00.000-05:00

It started as a whisper, a common theme, a shared dream, a vision drifting in and out of the corners of our collective cortex. When we looked inside ourselves. Deep inside ourselves, you know, where nobody else can see, we all saw the same thing. We could tie ourselves back to a common denominator, a common root. For eons civilizations have looked to nature for answers about their own inner animal. A shaman would wear a wolf pelt, a cowboy snakeskin boots, an emperor would wear glorious fur. In the beginning Conclamo Ludus was forming around a common vision. A vision of the dawn of man. The further Conclamo Ludus evolved, the further it devolved. Before we moved into the Chester Street Headquarters we had already ceased walking upright around eachother. We subconciously pounded our chests and chased each other around in frightening balletic demonstrations of primate aggression.

In short when we looked inward, we saw apes staring back. I thought I was alone, I'm sure we all did. Some mornings the first image I would see before I woke up was the bizarrely familiar face of a chimpanzee. Some mornings I was an orangutan, sometimes a baboon. It was almost by accident that we all came to realize that we had in fact been reverting to primates. It was a nudge in a strange direction from our dearly departed friend Stanley Kubrick. We stood poised like apes on a banana farm, mouths agape when we first shared the experience of The Dawn of Man sequence in the incomparable film 2001: A Space Odyssey. I believe Doc Braz made the first move, a bold demonstration that he was the alpha male, Domino quickly reached for a weapon, I uncontrollably began panicking, waving my arms above my head, hunching over into a simian squat. Domino began pounding Doc Braz in broad over-head strokes until Doc lie motionless. I lunged forward, seeing myself from afar but being powerless to stop. I began attacking Domino, and Baby Chambers came quickly knowing that I would not be enough alone. Soon Doc had awoken, Baby had turned on me, Domino was roaring victoriously, and I slumped away to observe my new pack.

This was the dawn of man. Here before our eyes, in our living room. In our jungle. We had reverted to a time when we depended upon each other as much as we competed against one another. We soon grew together as a pack, evolving from our newly adopted primitive form. We shared new discoveries with each other and used some of them for leverage against each other as well. This was the dawn of man and the dawn of Conclamo Ludus.

My reason for giving the preceeding information is to provide the reader with enough background to understand that we have found our animal familiar, our "other" if you will, and that is most definitely with apekind. From the silverback to the spider monkey, we have found a home in apedom. Man is, after all, the ultimate primate.

Once Conclamo Ludus became a united troop, we began an ape-ification project of our favorite themes. What better time to showcase our chimped up conjurations than the most frightening holiday of all, Halloween.

The first year we were far too disjointed, we weren't all on the same page yet. Our costumes ranged from the frightful, Baby Chambers as Giant Man-sized Baby, to the fanciful Doc Brazleton as Jesus.

By the time Halloween 2003 had rolled around we had gone completely apeshit. The result was our staggering portrayal of A Clockwork Apes. Imagine a place where two Stanley Kubrick films crash into eachother causing a train-wreck of smoldering twisted metal. A Clockwork Orange had merged with 2001: A Space Odyssey, and those who were in Billy's that night were forever changed by the realization of the image.

We knew that for 2004 we had everything to lose. We had to give them everything we had. And after Halloween 2004 had come to a close, no-one will ever see our founding fathers the same. I present to you:

Mt. ApeMore

And for comparison

Mt. Rushmore

This costume decision came after a lengthy deliberation and a heated debate. In the end we chose it for both its timeliness, being so close to the election, and for its surreal Planet-of-the-Apes feel.

And so we begin our adventure in a traditional pub on Grand Rapids' Michigan Street business district, The Birch Lodge at approximately 12:30PM October 30th 2004. Doc, Domino, and I eagerly awaited the arrival of our 4th man Baby Chambers. Also attending the rendezvous was his wife Bear Chambers dressed as the princess Fiona from Shrek.

In our humon form it is easier to drink.

The choices of who would be which president were clear. Doc Brazleton would be George Washington, I would play the role of Thomas Jefferson, Domino would make a perfect Teddy Roosevelt, and Baby Chambers has always had a strinking resemblance to Abraham Lincoln.

The day's festivities were carefully laid out before us. We would watch the rest of the noon-game for our pre-drinking exercises, and then get to work at the Kaplan's Party. Calico and Sam had sent out invitations for us all to join them in their home for the MSU vs. U 0f M showdown in the afternoon.

Teddy "Domino" Roosevelt cracks open an ice cold natural light upon entering the Kaplan's

Rosalita De La Cruz joins us at the Kaplan's

The Kaplan's are wonderful entertainers and we felt as though we had walked into the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. We were sooned joined by the legendary Lenny Vaughan and Jack Tack. The game was intense and kept us all on edge, most of all Lenny Vaughan. Every time MSU would score Lenny would do one of three things:

1. Get up and kick the dog.

2. Punch Calico in her Sparty face.

3. Attempt to actually run into the inside of the television.

Teddy Brooks and Dr."G Barry" Washington discuss defensive strategy with the dog at halftime.

At the end of the game everyone had survived and Lenny had apologized for his outbursts. Of course when U of M won it called for a victory lap around the Kaplan's block.

After the victory lap.

We were all so ecstatic by the Wolverines comeback, but this image of Babe Lincoln really captures the sweet bliss of victory.

Blue wins and all is right in the universe.

Three overtimes, a comeback of massive proportions, needless to say we eventually went apeshit

The Dawn of Man

Elvis, Roosevelt, Apes, and Domino, this picture has something for everyone.

Bear Chambers and I celebrate U of M winning by having her lapdance for me while Baby is out of the room.

An example of primate intelligence.

Finally the Kaplan's realized they could no longer contain us and arrangements were quickly made for us to relocate to Billy's Lounge. But not before Bear and I had another go at it.

Its best to surrender to a Bear. Never confront a Bear. Just play dead.

Few people know that Abe Lincoln was the scariest President of the United States. Especially when his best gal was pushing her buns all over you.

The big exit.

At Billy's we were greeted as usual like C-list celebrities, which is just the way we like it. You know what its like, you feel cool, but not that cool, like Steve Gutenburg walking into the Viper Room with his crew Richard Greico, Clint Howard, and David Caruso.

We strutted in with our masks and sat down. The waitresses immediately figured out who we were when we ordered our drinks. Domino was the giveaway.

The Birth of a Nation

As the next sequence of pictures shows, Baby Chambers exacted his revenge for Bear's indiscretions by stirring the desire of Mrs. Calico Kaplan.

Part 1 - Acknowledgement and Part 2 - Resolution

Part 3 - Persuance

Part 4 - Psalm

We could only stomach the band for so long. Sadly this Halloween Billy's could not deliver the intensity of Funkilinium. Instead they settled on Those Delta Rythem Kings. Which is sort of like not being able to get Burt Reynolds to play The Bandit in Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 and then settling on Jackie Gleason selling the movie as Beuford T. Justice. You know what I mean.

De-masked

Ape Chicks

There was only one place to go to next to save the night. Where would one go to join in with the most unsavory of characters for a Devil's Night dance?

Yay-yo's house of horrors of course.

We were greeted at the door by Chang Donaldson as Sir Galahad (left) and Yay-yo as himself (right).

Finally this was where we belonged. A costume ball! Doc Braz does what he does best as soon as he walked into the party. He took inventory of all the booze and began organizing the drinking games to optimize the drunkenness of the entire party.

"Back up, I'm a professional. How much booze do we have to start with?"

Soon Doc has arranged the teams and Flippy-Cup commences. This is an all too familiar scenario. The teams were perfect:

"The Presidents of Fear" From Left to Right: "Teddy" Brooks, KJakenstein's Monster, Baberaham Lincoln, and... Powder?

"Proctologist of History" From Left to Right: Sam "Flip-Flop" Kaplan, "G. Barry" Washington, Sir Chang the Pure, and Dr. Ray "The Raw Deal" Kromer.

Moe Smithey broke the chains that were securing him to the basement wall.

Flippy-cup quickly stirs any party together, and this was no exception. Everywhere you turned it felt like you had caughts somebody in the act of enjoying themselves for the first time in ages. Then Yay-yo walked by with an inflatible naked woman strapped to him.

Yes of course he has made love to her.

Nobody would argue that the night was anything other than a resounding success. Conclamo Ludus had come together again to spread the word. We will not be defeated. And so I leave you with a study of three pictures. Look closely at the next three images. What do you see?

Boo,
Porter Langley

The October Offering: Pittsburgh Platters and 4th Quarter Projections

2004-10-08T14:31:00.000-04:00

With September leaving us nearly in shambles, we look forward into the 4th Quarter to redeem 2004 as the greatest year of Conclamo Ludus since 2003. Just last night I arrived back at the Conclamo Ludus Suburban Headquarters after a 12 hour workday dragging my feet into the living room. Sitting on the couch next to each other were Dr. T. Barry Brazleton and TV's Domino Brooks. The three of us were in the living room together at the same time for the first time in 2 months, and all three of us were on our cell phones talking to other people. One by one we slowly ended our calls. An awkward silence crept out of the corners of the room and we all pretended to be intensely interested in the cellulite cream infomercial on tv. Suddenly we all broke the silence at once.

"Conclamo Ludus is dead-", declared Domino.
"The house is a mess-", I exclaimed.
"It's poker night-" replied Doc Braz.

The three of us sat staring at the wall, trying not to communicate with one another.

"Look what we've become", said Doc Braz, "we were once so strong, so united, and so happy. Now I don't even know you guys anymore. We have one last change to be together again." He put down the BarryPhone with its "Battle Hymn of the Republic" ringtone and we both noticed the moisture welling up in his eyes.

"We cannot be friends again until you denounce all music but Country and all tv shows except for NYPD Blue." Protested Domino. "You guys don't even party any more, Porter runs off to hug trees and do yoga every weekend in Ann Arbor when he's not hiding in his room or playing video games, and Rosalita keeps stealing your testicles from you everytime I want to hang out Doc!"

"You guys have never shown any respect for my love of anime and video games and computers. I feel like you all resent me for my shameless geekiness." I whimpered "perhaps we are just too different. Maybe its time we all just grew up and went our separate ways."

The room fell silent once again, the minutes seemed like hours, and the hours seemed like days. Domino started singing a Toby Keith song at the top of his lungs. I started playing my X-Box with the volume all the way up, and Doc Braz reached for the abysmal film Pearl Harbor off of the DVD shelf.

"Enough!" Exclaimed Doc Braz.
"What do you care nihilist!" Shouted Domino.
"You bastards are making me feel sick!" I cried.

Silence.

"Once upon a time we held eachother for kegstands, we velcroed eachothers cod-pieces, we mama-birded eachother, now its every ape for himself. You guys used to share your homo-erotic dreams with me, now we don't even play poker together. There was a time in our lives where we could break out into an apefight at any moment over anything, now we pass eachother silently. Was this the original dream of Conclamo Ludus?"

"Don't even evoke that name! Conclamo Ludus died the day it was born! It slid through the loose fingers of apathy! Its been a shell that we've hidden behind. None of us live for its cause any more. We never did! You never did! I've always been the only believer, the only man who has stood while the world crumbled around him. You two can talk the talk, but I am the living conviction of Conclamo Ludus, the spirit, the heart and soul! You two are idea men, I am the only one with any passion! Even if it is alive, I'll destroy it before I let either of you corrode it any more!" Shouted Domino. He was really worked up now.

"Conclamo Ludus is bigger than you! It isn't any one of us. It isn't dead! It will never die. Its not something you can kill. You didn't give birth to it any more than the rest of us did. There is still hope. There is always hope. We must change and evolve but return to the very nature of Conclamo Ludus." I said.

"Yes to its center." Doc agreed.

"Is there still time?" Asked Domino.

"I don't want to fight anymore." Sobbed Doc.
"Me neither."
"nor do I."

The three of us looked around, never so divided, never so confused. Finally Doc brought us back together again.

"There is only one thing we can do. We need to do some team-building exercises. Domino you need a Pittsburgh Platter."

Hours later the three of us sat on the couch passing kleenex to eachother as we sobbed like little girls.

"I'm afraid of my father", I cried
"I'm scared of gay people", confessed Doc.
"I can't bring myself to trust anyone", sobbed Domino.

Finally we collected ourselves and began to look forward. Conclamo Ludus has one chance left. 4th quarter will either make us or break us. We must come together. With summer grinding to a halt, and the prospect of a cold bleak winter, the fourth quarter will prove to be long and difficult road, but nevertheless we unite again. Our numbers have dwindled. We stand as a triumvirate racing against time. Together our trinity is all that stands of a once great empire. We are the last of the Mohicans, the end of apekind, and the last few breaths of ancient rome. We are Conclamo Ludus and we are not giving up. We will not be the cause of our own destruction. If the walls of Conclamo Ludus come down, it will not be by our own hands.

And so we trudge forward into the darkness with just a faint glimmer of hope left. Uncertainty lurks around every curve in the road. Some things we know await to aid us in our quest. The holidays are on the way and have always acted as a catalyst for some of Conclamo Ludus' greatest moments. This year will be no exception. We have much of Halloween's groundwork in place, but have yet to decide on a location. Christmas will easily act in our favor, and New Years has been nothing short of epic for us. We make the plea to our shareholders now. If you are looking to invest, now is the time to do it. Our stock has plummeted to bargain prices, but with the holiday season around the corner it is expected to skyrocket, giving us a momentum in 2005 that few could stand in front of.

For Conclamo Ludus the future is now.

United We Stand, Divided We Fall,
Porter Langley

The October Offering: 3rd Quarter 2004 Review

2004-10-03T14:09:00.000-04:00

For Conclamo Ludus the third quarter was one of the most crucial in our history. Having reformed and re-affirmed our goals and missions, the third quarter brought us to heights unseen since the days of Pax Conclama.

We rode through July at a full gallop. We celebrated Doc Braz's 26th birthday party at the Na-Tah-Ka in Irons, MI. Some old friends stopped by. Sam Kaplan got hitched, and Conclamo Ludus hosted Junior Rockwell's bachelor party at the Hartford.

The August Addendum followed shortly after delivering to us the promise of a better summer. Junior Rockwell tied the knot with longtime sweetheart Taffy Houston and Conclamo Ludus was there. I turned 26.

And then The September Sanction came down. September became the hangover of July and August. For the institution, September was a dark month. Individually, we all reaped some benefits from September, but as a whole we are weakened. Our unity has been marred by betrayels, backtalk, and barroom bravado. It started with the painful altercation between Conclamo Ludus and our attorney and accountant. Relations have fallen cold between us since Johnny Scheffield pulled out of his agreement to become a full member. Of course his brother Jack has sided with him, forcing us to go without an attorney or an accountant. As a result we have found ourselves chest-high in litigation. Baby Chambers has been forced to represent himself in his public drunkeness trial, in which the jury is still deliberating. With the lack of an accountant, the institution's finances have spun out of control. We may be forced to file Chapter 11. Building expenses, coupled with the loss of grant money and lack of a full-time Procurement & Implemenation Director, or space for one, have left our coffers empty. The Empire has struck back. And with the loss of associate Jolly Roger, we find ourselves in disarray. Jolly would often act as a buffer between us, and as one of our advisor's his influence often helped to ease our fall. Jolly has moved on to a new life in Minnesota to head a Men's Fashion firm. Go-Go Peterson, obviously heartbroken has had to find solace elsewhere. She has been recently spotted at the Eastown street fair, and prognosis looks good.

There has once again been a lapse in my reporting. In Brazletonian fashion, my attention has been diverted at times from the institution. This has led me to be absent from several high profile functions. Namely Baby Chambers' 38th birthday celebration in Chicago, coupled with the Eastown street fair. Despite Baby's resignation from Conclamo Ludus, it is sad for me to say he has been more involved in its activities than I have. Ironically he has been outsourced as our temporary P&I guy until we find a new one. The lack of my presence at these functions has no doubt brought a veil over the day-to-day operations of Conclamo Ludus. With no public watchdog there is no telling what my cohorts have been up to. Needless to say there have been several calls for my resignation, namely by Domino Brooks who is holding me at knifepoint while I write this. He has started a small grassroots movement to have me removed unless I meet a certain quota of posts per month. The movement has seen a groundswell in support, having shown a 200% growth in just one night when it went from just Domino to just Domino and Junior Rockwell. Dr. Brazleton is still on the fence, but then again most nihilists are.

But fear not. The October Offering is here. Later this week we will do an analysis of our 4th Quarter 2004 projections following an address to our shareholders. 4th Quarter is going to make us or break us.

One Dinner Party At A Time,
Porter Langley

The September Sanction: Poolside At The Westcott

2004-09-08T20:39:00.000-04:00

For those of you who have been following our exploits for over a year now, will know that the first University of Michigan home game every year is spent carousing around Lenny Vaughan's tropical poolside paradise on the West Side of town. Last year I introduced the readers to the clandestine social club known as The Westcott, notorious for its high spirited sporting parties. This year I bring you pictures from the inside.

This year begun even earlier than last. Domino called Tilly over at Tilly's Market and had her open the store a little early for us. We rushed in at about 8:45 AM and picked out all the ingredients for Five-Ballers. Its one of the easiest drinks to make. Open a can of Natural Light, dump in a touch of Peechtree, and you have yourself the greatest tasting morning brew you could ask for. Five-Ballers were invented by Conclamo Ludus friend and associate Jerry Olafsson. Jerry's orange-tinted tan combined with his tasteful refusal to wear a hairpiece, makes him reminiscent of a billiards five ball. He's a hell of a pool shark to boot. Hence the Five-Baller.

A Five-Baller is quite possibly the most accessible morning adult beverage. Not everyone likes tomato juice, so you can't count on serving Bloody Marys, and a couple Screwdrivers in the morning will have your ulcers bleeding before brunch. A Mimosa is a tasty breakfast booze, but you may as well castrate yourself and put on a dress. Five-Ballers are the only way to go. Not everyone likes Natural Light, but everyone likes saving money, and nobody can refuse the sweet sexy taste of a peach. Before noon? Serve Five-Ballers every time.

We were poolside and drinking by 10:30 AM. We were a little early, but that just got us the first round on the Hooters wings. By noon the club was full. The beautiful thing about the Westcott club is that you can wander into any room in the joint and be watching the big game. I snickered as I zipped up my fly and flushed the toilet while watching Suzy Shuster give a charming sideline interview at the half. Michigan destroyed Miami of Ohio. It was a disgrace. 43 to 10. Tradition tells us that if U of M wins, Lenny will emerge and do a victorious lap around the suburban wasteland signifying three more days of partying. If U of M loses, he randomly selects 35 villagers and has them publicly executed, and the party ends and everyone goes home. Luckily U of M rarely loses.

Sam Kaplan mans the keg-pump, while Jerry "Five-Ball" Olafsson refills Baby Chambers. Baby and Kid Compton don warpaint to ride alongside the armor-clad Lenny Vaughan.

Seeing Lenny Vaughan run through the streets with his maize and blue helmet shimmering in the sun, singing Hail to the Victors at the top of his lungs, is to see the realization of the American Dream. Flanked by his friends and co-workers, Lenny's victory celebration for the Wolverines, is the release of a summer's worth of back-breaking work. Its the last mile of a marathon he's been running all summer. Its more than just a game.

The Nina, The Pinta, and The Santa Maria

The elderly neighborhood has grown calous to Lenny's freedom march. All around us old ladies closed their shudders, old men ran to grab their shotguns and stand on the porch in rapt attention. But Lenny runs on shouting it from the mountaintops.

"Now for a cheer they are here,
triumphant!
Here they come with banners flying,
In stalwart step they're nighing,
With shouts of vict'ry crying,
We hurrah, hurrah, we greet you now,
Hail!"
-Victory

Baby Chambers catches his breath after the charge. Jack Tack bends over with sympathy pains behind him.

With the charge completed its time for the games to begin. After a brief recess to refill and refuel, a buffet lunch is served, and then the poolside instantly transforms into a carnival. Doc Braz quickly organizes the flippy cup relays which were so popular last year.

Doc Braz draws a battle plan for his team.

The teams were pretty evenly matched with Lenny Vaughan, Doc Braz, Jack Scheffield, and Jerry Olafsson opposed by Domino Brooks, Sam Kaplan, Kid Compton, and Baby Chambers.

Domino Brooks expresses his skepticism of Doc's plan to an eager Baby Chambers.

I left the party just as things were getting really ugly. There were some poor judgement calls on behalf of the referees and the flippy-cuppers were at eachother's throats over it. Each side accusing the other of either not filling their cups far enough before drinking, or of spilling the drink down the front of their shirt instead of ingesting the ale. Horns were locked and I couldn't get that close to the action without risking being tossed into the pool. They all agreed to settle the dispute by having a real relay race. A swimming relay race. A contest that was no less contreversial in its result. There were rumors later that Jerry Olafsson had used an illegal dolphin kick to excel passed his opposition. I got out of there while they were still picking teams. I had to go see about a girl.

He was muttering to himself "M go blue, M go blue, M go blue, M go..."

On the way out I stumbled over a man lying face down in the front yard. I rolled him over onto his stomach, checked his pulse, wished him luck, and continued on my way. I had a hot date lined up. She's the first girl I've dated in years that hasn't hated her father or had any prior convictions.

Hail to The Victors,
Porter Langley

The September Sanction: Betrayed

2004-09-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

The latest feature of the website is that you can now leave a comment at the end of any post. All you have to do is click on the "Comments" link at the bottom of the post. Please drop us a line and let us know that you stopped in. Respond with any alias you think is best, we all know who you REALLY are.

We should be making the announcement of our newest member and dear friend Johnny Scheffield. For those of you who have been following our story, you'll know that Johnny has worked as our accountant in some capacity for a few years now, his brother Jack is our attorney. Johnny's verbal contract with Dr. Brazleton assured us that he would join on with Conclamo Ludus saving us the painstaking process of fielding applicants for just the right match. We were certain that Johnny Scheffield would find himself at home with us. We were wrong.

John Scheffield's word is no good. We are beginning to wonder if we can ever trust a Scheffield again, aside from killing bats. Our attorney hasn't returned our phonecalls. Domino tried to get himself arrested yesterday just to see if Jack would answer his phonecall from the jailhouse. All so Domino could fire him. Fortunately the cops wouldn't arrest Dominos, seeing right through his plan. This has only led him to believe that he is "above the law". He'll keep testing the limits of his lawlessness until somebody puts a stop to him, or our attorney calls us back.

Meanwhile our accountant is a marked man. His position will be vacant now, and the bank is about to foreclose on the farm. Nobody is quite sure how all of this is going to play out. This Saturday we will all be back poolside at the Westcott. This is where we spend every U of M season opener. The Westcott is the elite club on the west side of town owned and run by the infamous Lenny Vaughan. The entire Scheffield family from Papa Joe on down are on the guest list, as is Conclamo Ludus. If the Scheffield's know what's good for them they won't show. Of course Lenny's left the invitation open for bait. Its going to be a hell of a party Saturday. We are scheduled to start drinking at 9:00 AM sharp. Last year we hit up the garage sales first, but today we have been instructed to head right over. I'll get some pictures this year.

So for those of you who are wondering, we are in need of at least two of the following, if not all three:

Director of Procurement and Implementation

Baby Chambers was the single greatest P & I guy we've ever had, so get it out of your head that you can replace him, but keep your head down and work hard and you just might earn a Chambersian salute. The position of P & I is to put into motion the Conclamo Ludus strategic plan, whatever that may be. You have to know your booze, keep up on realtime price-quotes. For instance at 9:00 AM on a Monday a six pack of Natural Light is cheaper by the fluid ounce, then say at 9:00 PM Saturday night. Know how much beer any amount of money will buy at any time. This is crucial. If there is a drought in Kentucky that will hold up Bourbon production five years from now, we need to know about it. Furthermore start studying your fast-food menus, practicing your card-dealing, and polishing your dice. If you have experience with any of this stuff, you'll be ahead of the game. Applicants should feel comfortable with Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Orangutans, and other primates. No Pets Allowed.

An Attorney

Should have a degree in law, or be pursuing one. We are mostly looking for someone who is able to give the impression that we are able to file suit until we get what we want, or that if we are threatened we will take to trial every time and win in our closing argument. Our attorney must be comfortable making loud obscene phonecalls at any hour of the night.

An Accountant

Applicant should know basic arithmetic and be handy with an eraser. Fudging numbers is an artform, and we need a Picasso. I guess we'll settle with a paint-by-number, we just need somebody to make the final number look like its the sum of whatever other numbers we throw in there.

If you or someone you know can fulfill one, two, or all three positions, please email your applications to conclamoludus@excite.com if you are on the east coast, or conclamoludus@yahoo.com if you are on the west coast. Serious inquiries only please.

Laughing Just to Keep From Crying,
Porter Langley

The August Addendum: Angry in Athens

2004-08-20T15:24:00.000-04:00

After months of the most intense training we could possibly put our bodies through, the long days at the track, the long nights at the bar, Conclamo Ludus found its Olympic dreams in tatters as the Athens 2004 Olympiad was set into motion this past week.

We made it through qualifying tour after qualifying tour in every event we set ourselves for. At the Olympic Try-Out's and other qualifying events, Conclamo Ludus was able to blend in as a "nation" and although we broke no records, we were able to send a good sized delegation to the 28th Olympiad. And then, just two nights before the opening ceremony, tragedy struck. The IOC refused our entry on the technicality that we are in fact not a real country. Our attorney Jack Scheffield instantly appealed the ruling, but to no avail. It was a long and arduous road leading to Athens, that eventually just led us back home.

Our olympic hope was first born from the noticeable atheletic grace each one of us has demonstrated on and off the playing field. We knew that if we were to make our run at Athens in '04 we'd have to start in 2002 by making a case for the addition of several new olympic events. Some of these events were well received by some athletes, others caused a stir of controversy. Most of them fell on deaf ears and were never even officially looked over by an IOC representative. Here are the events we brought to the IOC in 2002 by giving a rousing demostration at the Preliminary Olympic Try-outs. Although we were forced to demonstrate the proposed events out in the parking lot, we were undetterred.

The Mama Bird Relay

Although quite popular with several countries including Greece, The Mama Bird Relay was highly misunderstood. The first team member takes a mouthful of whiskey, or whichever popular liquor the host nation chooses, runs as fast as they can for 100 meters and then passes it to the mouth of the next team member. The last team member, the anchorman, has it the worst as they have to cross the finish line before they can swallow the booze. Our first demonstration was successful for a few nations. Seeing the competitors lined up at the starting line with shotglass in hand was one of the funniest things we had ever seen, and we almost couldn't go on with it. Russia had vodka, Puerto Rico had rum, France had red wine, United States tried using Miller Light, and of course Conclamo Ludus showed with Jim Beam. It was intense. The other nations had the speed advantage, they being track-stars and all, but we beat them on the pass. None of these guys could pass the booze between each other. Surprisingly, the Women's event drew a much bigger crowd despite no delegation from Conclamo Ludus.

The Early Morning Fifth-Off

We were pretty nervous about this one. Dr. Brazleton was our entry but was not heavily favored when lined up with the other competitors. A few of the other athletes that attempted this event almost got thrown out by the IOC for "doping". Our attorney was careful to point out that this was not "doping" but "boozing" and there is a very big difference. Doc Braz pulled out an impossible finish clearing his Fifth of Bourbon a whole 15 minutes before the other competitors.

Texas Hold 'Em Poker

This was one of our strongest teams yet, coached by card shark Lenny Vaughan. Husband and wife team Baby and Bear Chambers were expected to do very well and we knew they would be great for publicity. Doc Braz was expected to go very far depending on how close the event was held to the "Early Morning Fifth-Off." Rosalita De La Cruz was favored in the women's event having destroyed many of the men in regionals. We expected the only difficult competition to come from United States and Japan. We were all ready to go, an event we knew we could dominate at, and then the IOC pointed out to us that they look down on gambling in the Olympics. Prudes.

Dirt Court Basketball

With both Doc Braz and Domino Brooks, one of the greatest basketball "minds' to ever watch the sport, our two-on-two dirt court basketball team was surely going to take home the gold. Then we started seeing the Olympic Team Basketball players dropping off their teams to form twosomes to take us on. The same thing happened of course when Beach Volleyball became an olympic sport. We got destroyed by some of the most ridiculous basketball duos the game has ever seen. Watching Domino elbow the shit out of Yao Ming was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Our attempt at including these sports actually had nothing to do with us being banned by the IOC for 2004. We simply aren't a country, as they put it. I tried making the argument that neither was Maritius or Andorra, two teams we had been hiding behind through all the preliminaries, but the IOC showed us on the map where these countries actually are. I'm still not buying it though. The worst part about it is that we had assembled some of the greatest athletes in the world for more traditional olympic sports. Domino Brooks was unstoppable on the Pummel Horse and was a crowd favorite at the World Gymnastics Championship in '03 with his signature groans and shouts while doing his routine. With my slender build I was surely a contender on the vault being able to launch myself to unbelievable heights. Baby Chambers was a natural on the Still Rings, and although Doc Braz was often disqualified for "inappropriate" and "suggestive" moves on the Floor Routine, he would have revolutionized the event if they would ever let him finish his movements. And gymnastics isn't even our strongest event. You should see us in the water. Doc Braz and I have polished our Platform Synchro Diving to perfection, Domino swims like a dolphin and when teamed up with Baby for the Synchronized swim, you can't tell them apart. We even brought in Jolly Roger to cover sailing.

Obviously we are not happy about our exclusion by the IOC and sadly their representative is no longer returning my calls. My fiery press conference on Sunday in Athens went almost entirely unattended, the only publications showing up were "Japanese School-Girl Quarterly", "Bass Fisherman", "Weekly World News" and "kjake.net", to which we are very greatful for carrying this important story. I returned to Conclamo Ludus with sad news for our athletic delegation. We have felt the agony of defeat, but we keep our own torch burning as we set our eyes on Beijing in 2008.

Goin' for Gold,
Porter Langley

The August Addendum: Always a Bridesmaid

2004-08-17T19:58:00.000-04:00

"It was the greatest night of our lives. And though I still had not found a wife I had my friends close beside me."
-Jim Morrison

With my participation in Athens no longer a concern, in part because of lingering hypothermia symptoms from the last Hartford weekend (see July Justice), the Houston/Rockwell celebration had my full attention. After rehearsal dinner Marshall Branson, Bubsy Malone, Frankie Copeland, Otter Banks, and I described our near death experiences on the Little Manistee to Northern Michigan native Benson Hedges and whoever else would listen. Bubsy Malone made a full recovery after speculation that he was later hospitalized with a 67 degree temperature. We compared battle scars both physically and psychologically and competed for Alpha Male status with the others including long time associate Dexter "Boom Boom" Forsythe. Boom Boom has been on a sabbatical for some time. He resides in Florida for its sunny beaches, beautiful women, and of course, the hurricanes. Sure we get some snow in the winter God forbid, but Michigan is fairly free of natural disasters, unlike Miami, San Francisco, Hawaii, and lovely Kansas. Good luck Boom Boom, I'll be here when you wise up and move back. Anyway the Rockwell's thought it would be a good idea to throw a wild party the night before the ceremony. I didn't agree, but I had a terribly good time and we still made it to the church with hours to spare.

The wedding went off without a hitch and it was time for the obligatory wedding party limo, make that bus ride, to the reception hall. The church and the Treetops were strategically designated to be a 3 day journey by horseback. Naturally,we made the most of the distance. Dozens and dozens of well dressed people climbed into the party bus and the orgies began. Caligula was behind the wheel, while Marquis de Sade passed out lovely gift baskets of oils, perfumes, and giant....nevermind. As I surveyed my surroundings I enjoyed the sea of flower bouquets, champagne, Watermelon Pucker, asses, video cameras, knives, pills, immature young men, and sexually supercharged women in strapless dresses. I hadn't giggled so much since I was a prepubescent in an inaugural truth or dare tournament. We stopped by a barnyard on the way for undisclosed reasons.

When we finally arrived at the reception I arm wrestled the D.J. to get him to play Led Zeppelin as our entrance music. After that small achievement Vicki Hammerstein took my other arm and we entered the palace of eager celebrants. For me there's nothing better than floating into a room of 837 people applauding as my name is heard over the microphone. That moment, and the fact that I would be one of the first to eat dinner were the primary reasons I agreed to stand up in the ceremony.

Now I've given both formal speeches and public insults in my time, however, Chase Rockwell combined the two formats into a beautiful oration that was not without controversy. Complete with props, his speech alluded to many things including Junior's I.Q. and work ethic, Taffy's previous relationship with members of the head table, and that the word "consummation" was not entirely appropriate for the occasion. I thought that condoms with pin holes in them were something more suited for a fraternity house practical joke than a wedding gift. As it stands however, I cannot in good conscience, speak judgingly on the topic of off color gestures and comments.

With the number people in attendance the Conclamo Ludus table held up one side of the room. This freed myself up to roam the other side. I saw many things, including a crowd surfing bride and a fist fight between the D.J. and one Baby Chambers. Outside of a few incidents, never have I experienced such camaraderie, mutual respect, and appreciation for your fellow "humon" being than I did during my days with the Rockwell's and Houston's. I would like to thank Junior, Taffy and all 837. I am adopting Lewiston, Michigan as a third home.

Let's also wish Porter Langley a happy birthday while he meets with the Olympic committee. Next month we'll celebrate Baby's 38th birthday.

Stay classy Lewiston,
Domino Brooks

The August Addendum: Love in Lewiston

2004-08-17T17:11:00.000-04:00

This past weekend two major events occurred. One of the events culminated with the joining of participants from over 200 nations coming together in peaceful competition to celebrate athleticism, tradition, partriotism, and humanity. The other event was the opening of the 28th Olympiad in Athens, Greece. Okay, there weren't 200 nations at the Rockwell wedding in Lewistion, but there were well over 200 people. Such events were held as the 20 millimeter Mama Bird, the Garter Throw, and the Bouquet Toss. When the smoke cleared it was the Rockwell's standing on the podium who took home the gold.

For months we've been waiting for the day when Junior Rockwell would finally join his soul mate Taffy Houston in marraige. For as long as I have known Junior, I have also known Taffy, and we all knew that their joining in holy matrimony was inevitable. They are now Mr. and Mrs. Junior and Taffy Rockwell.

The ceremony was held in their hometown of Lewiston, Michigan. The potential megapolis of Lewiston (pop. 990)is easy to find on some maps of Michigan. Its right between Where The Hell Are We, Michigan and Turn Around And Ask For Directions, Michigan. Drive north and if you hit the Mackinaw bridge you've gone a little too far. Highlights of Lewiston, Michigan include: The right to bear arms, the right to booze anywhere, and the right to govern and police oneself. Its basically the old west for Germans. The journey up there was long and arduous. When we first approached several guides about a possible expedition to Lewiston, they either laughed in our faces, slammed the door in our faces, or passed out from fear.

"Lewiston?" The Shirpa asked.
"Yes," replied Dr. Brazleton.
"Some say it doesn't even exist." the Shirpa informed us. "But if it does, we'll find it. We'll need munitions, horses, a supply of whiskey, a holy bible, a hatchet, some rope, and some whiskey to bribe the locals with, guns, ape masks, and some whiskey for me."
"Fair enough."

And so our journey began with our faithful Shirpa forging the path. We used a good portion of our whiskey to bribe a bush pilot to fly us into Gaylord, a lonely Scandinavian outpost in the northern woods of Michigan. Gaylord has no roads going into it, or leading out of it so stagecoach was out of the question. From there we rode horseback as far as the animals would take us. Sadly Rosalita De La Cruz's pack mule did not make it having lost it in a swamp she had to ride piggy-back with Doc Braz. Our Shirpa came down with smallpox and we sent him away paid in full. Just when we were about to give up and finish our whiskey supply we came upon a small Catholic settlement about 25 miles from Gaylord. Alas, we had found our Lewiston. We were running dangerously low on supplies, but in the care of our hosts we were party to a beautiful Catholic ceremony for our beloved Rockwells.

The priest, a quick-witted, hobbling, greyed old man, had the personality of Don Rickles with the reverence of an old settler. The theme of the wedding of course was booze. The reading from the gospel was the story of Jesus first miracle in which he made booze to keep the party going. The priest easily transitioned from this to a vivid description of how disgustingly ugly the Rockwell's would one day look. I'm not sure if booze was the answer to this riddle too, but it was surely an underlying theme. The wedding party could barely fit in the small chapel. The Rockwell's have been well-traveled and have managed to pick up a great deal of friends from all over the state. At first glance one would think that they simply invited everyone they knew to be part of the wedding party, including Conclamo Ludus' very own Domino Brooks. There were 40 people in the wedding party and just 25 people in the audience. But when in Lewiston, do as the Lewistonites do.

From the ceremony we all gathered at the local tavern, Tally's. Tally is well known for its fantastic char-broiled "Tally Burgers" and its lukewarm canned beer. Both Taffy and Junior's family are pillars of the community and can trace their roots back to the dawn of mankind. Junior's father C.H. Rockwell Sr, has shed very little of the orginal settler's personnae, from his colonial "cow-cather" moustache, to his breeding technique, 5 boys. Safety in numbers. Colonial life is tough, and the more boys you bear, the more hands you have on the farm. C.H. Rockwell Sr. and the Rockwell Five are well known in the surrounding community, from oldest to youngest its Junior, Chase, Charles, Chester, and Henry. Chase of course was the best man of the ceremony. Their mother is as tough as they come, having raised the Rockwell's from their spitfire youth to their bold maturity.

The Houston's operate their household at the center of town. Taffy's mother Margarita is the fashion queen of Lewiston. She has cut the hair of every boy and girl in Lewiston for decades. Her father Jonah is the patriarch of the town, and is acts as the settler of local land disputes, the local historian, and works as the "de facto" mayor. You see, Lewiston is still technically just a territory so there is not yet an official government. The citizens of Lewiston rely on men of their word like Jonah Houston to keep the peace until their offical annex comes. Its been waiting a long time, and although they have sent messengers to Washington, no one has ever returned with word of their inclusion. But make no mistake Lewistonites are as American as they come. And I'm sure it won't be long until they start putting Lewiston on maps.

After the ceremony we journeyed back to Gaylord to the lovely Treetops resort for the reception. The bar opened at five to a warm welcoming. I was joined at the table with Baby and Bear Chambers, Dr. T. Barry Brazleton and Rosalita De La Cruz, Jolly Rogers and GoGo Peterson, and Rick and Lisa Lightning. Within minutes Bear had twenty-seven empty wine-glasses lined up in front of her and was making a dash to the bar for more. Baby Chambers was developing a schedule of events, Doc Braz was shaking for some Bourbon, and Jolly Roger was harassing the help. Soon the wedding party entered the building. They were clearly obliterated. They had been on a booze cruise for four hours and had no doubt engaged in the most hedonistic bacchanal this side of Ancient Rome. They entered to the battering Led Zeppelin ballad "When The Levee Breaks". Moments later the levee DID break and the booze came flooding in. Conclamo Ludus held its ground though. Baby Chambers is equipped at all time for no less than three drinking games. As we have testified many times Baby Chambers is more likely to have dice on him than a pair of underpants. As the game of Three Man broke out at our table most people were just digesting their dinner as Conclmao Ludus was drinking their's. We were soon joined by the exquisite wife of Frank Copeland, Bianca. She quickly picked up the rules of the game from Jolly Roger. Bianca Copeland is well known to make up nicknames for everyone she meets. Jolly Roger is referred to as "Pagina". Bianca Copeland's world was opened when she both gave and received her first Mama Birds. Bianca enjoyed the Mama Bird so much that she soon adopted this as the goal of the game and would close her eyes and whisper "come on, snake eyes" with every throw.

After dinner I did my best to disappear in the crowd and to soak up exactly what was occurring but with little success. There were so many people of various walks of life that I could not begin to catalogue them. I did as much hobnobbing as I could muster and unfortunately didn't take nearly as many photos as I had wished. Luckily Conclamo Ludus had a man working behind the scenes. Domino Brooks can offer us a glimpse at what it was like to be an actual member of the Rockwell Wedding Party at the historic celebration.

Here are the visuals:

The Wedding Party/Battalion

Baby and Bear Chambers after they heard that it was an open bar.

GoGo Peterson and Jolly Roger give Junior their best wishes.

I'm not sure how Domino Brooks high school prom photo got in here...

Domino discovers how far twenty dollars will get him with Bear Chambers (right) and Rosalita De La Cruz (left).

Jolly "Pagina" Roger feigns a fondle from Bianca Copeland.

I'm the tall guy in the middle.

The Good Doctor and The Lady De La Cruz.

Stay tuned this week for Domino Brooks' behind the scenes look at the party as a groomsman. No doubt he had an altogether different adventure. I would've loved to have celebrated with greater fervor, but after the reception I had to catch the red-eye flight to Athens to cover the growing controversy surrounding Conclamo Ludus' exclusion from the 2004 Olympic Games. More on that later.

Till Death Do Us Part,
Porter Langley

The August Addendum: Postcards from the Monkey House

2004-08-11T18:07:00.000-04:00

It was nice to get out of the house on Saturday and drop by the old monkey house. I had a nice relaxing tour of the place which I haven't been to in years. John Ball Zoo is a pretty nice facility. The most beautiful thing about it is that you can get all the way through the place in less than two hours. Its not a full day trip. That is unless you have kids, which I don't. Saturday afternoon the zoo is like a zoo. Its full of people, mostly children, running around yelling at animals at the top of their lungs. The real exhibits are the cross-sections of humanity on display. The animals sit idly by while watching droves of ice-cream covered people parade past their comfortable cages. Its a pretty entertaining life for them. They spend most of their time sleeping, shitting, and pacing, but if you could do all of that in front of the television you would too. I imagine the viewing window from reverse to an animal is like watching FOX all day long, and we are probably the funniest reality show they've ever seen.

Spider Monkeys are okay, but they're no chimps.

I stopped by the Spider Monkey pit for awhile. Most of them were passed out, but a few of them were running around. The Spider Monkeys got this rivalry going on with the Chimps which I find a bit childish. As I was leaving the exhibit one of them asked me where I was going. When I explained that I wanted to check out the Chimps he gave me the finger.

This guy kept offering me corn and then snatching it away real fast. He though it was hilarious.

The chimps are a real blast to hang out with. They were all passed out in the shade when I got there. I sat for about an hour eye-to-eye with one of them. I was trying to telepathically get him to pick up a bone and attack the other apes, but he just sat there playing with a pile of his own feces. Maybe he misunderstood me. Passed out right in front of me, was one of the younger apes with a cob of corn in one hand, a cob of corn gripped in his foot, and his face inches from a pile of monkey shit. It was reminiscent of the time Lance Corporal Rod Rubio woke up one morning at Conclamo Ludus having passed out on the shitter with a beer in his hand.

Get back filthy humon!

The big deal this year at John Ball Zoo is the "Summer of The Dragon" exhibit. All over town there are these giant billboards advertising the fire-breathing menaces known as Komodo Dragons. They are perhaps most infamous for having eaten Sharon Stone's husband alive a couple of years ago. Domino Brooks has taken up the role of the activist to get Komodo Dragons systematically eradicated from the earth. He feels that, like alligators, no species should survive as long as they have and that it is up to us to put a stop to them, lest they outlive us. I was a little nervous heading into the exhibit after reading about these winged beasts of yore, but to my surprise its just a five foot long lizard. They only had one Komodo Dragon and it looked like it was probably a puppet of some kind. I'm not sure these things even exist.

Mindless Killers

I walked further through the nocturnal section and was confronted with a sound that made me shudder. I recognized the leathery fluttering sound of batwings and my heart began to race. I froze and turned to the right, behind just a few inches of glass was an entire colony of gigantic Brazillian Fruit-Bats. Big Bastards.

These monsters are so far from "Cool."

Some were flying around in there, some were sleeping, some were just squirming around and making their signature squeaking noises. A flock of children walked up and one of them pointed at them and said, "Cool." Not cool. It was just a year ago I found myself toe-to-toe with these creatures of the night, locked in a room for hours together we fought to the death. It was me or the bat. Not cool. Not cool at all. Although I have to concede that if there had been no bats, there may have been no Bat Chronicles which were really the first entries of this blog. But Bats will never be cool. Never again. One of the kids ran up behind me and jumped up to frighten me. As I stood frozen with terror I looked at the ten year-old child coldly, "Don't fuck with me man. I know what they're capable of." The mother of course quickly escorted the child away. I snapped out of it and apologized but it was too late. It was time to get out of there.

Flinging Poo,
Porter Langley

The August Addendum: The Last Waltz, and Planet Waves

2004-08-07T13:01:00.000-04:00

With this week down it puts us a few days closer to the wedding celebration of the century. Conclamo Ludus will be locating to Lewiston, Michigan next weekend to help ignite the party for the Rockwell's. We've been keeping ourselves busy in the mean time. The weekly Conclamo Ludus Suburban Poker Tour has been a resounding success every Thursday night. Hosted by Dr. Brazleton and Rosalita De La Cruz, the games attract a dedicated following of friends and associates of Conclamo Ludus. The games usually start early and go late. Here's are latest choices that have earned a Conclamo Ludus seal of approval.

What we are watching on DVD

The Last Waltz

When The Band got together to do their last performance ever, they knew they would have to blow the doors off the place and this is just what they did. The 7 hour show at the Winterland Theatre in San Francisco in 1976 features some of the greatest artists of the 1970's and of all time. The Band had been together for 16 years and had decided unlike most performers, they would retire and bury the band for good. The list of casualties taken by "the road" was getting longer and longer. When asked about life on "the road" guitarist Robbie Robertson replied "It's a goddamn impossible way of life." Evidence is on his side with that statement when you read the rock 'n' roll obituraries of the era. The Band may have never been able to actually enjoy the crest of their own success, but they would never have to go through the awkward 80's, they would never have to do two or three reunion tours, and they would never have to look too old for leather pants. The Band didn't have to evolve. They turned to stone and their music remains a signature style that has never been replaced. The film The Last Waltz was director Martin Scorecese's attempt to capture the incredible show. With performances by Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, an obliterated Van Morrison, Neil Diamond, Emmylou Harris, Muddy Waters, The Staples, Ringo Starr, Ron Wood, Dr. John, Paul Butterfield, and Ronnie Hawkins, Scorcese had his hands full. This is arguably the greatest rock 'n' roll film ever, but Scorcese would tell you that he was just "lucky" to have been able to capture the greatest performance of all time and The Band's Last Waltz.

What we are listening to

Bob Dylan
Planet Waves

If there's one man who knew the abilities of The Band more than anyone else it was Bob Dylan who employed them for his 1974 Album Planet Waves, among many others. This album blends Rick Danko's signature deep bass rhythm, Robbie Robertson's unique wah-wah, and Bob Dylan's beat poet lyrics into an album that is certifiable Conclamo Ludus sound. Every member of The Band is practically interchangeable. Each member can play virtually any instrument with immense talent due to the teachings of their classically trained organist Garth Hudson. Garth instilled in each of them an array of musical influences that was the chemical equation for their sound. After understanding their heroes it is easy to understand why The Band is the perfect name for such a quilt of musicians. They are simply a blending of almost all directions of music in the last 200 years. Their unique ability to arrange their music on an orchestral level, combine it with the improvisational elements of Jazz, soak it in the power of the Blues, mix in the modest simplicity of American Folk and Country music, and blast it out at the level of Rock n Roll is why they are aptly named The Band. In this instance for a back up band to be so incredibly talented yet at the same time prevent themselves from upstaging the lead singer was crucial to the success of an album like Planet Waves. Bob Dylan really shines through on this album with eleven tracks that you won't find on his Greatest Hits collection. His addition to The Band's music is the catalyst for a memorable album.

Favorite Tracks:
2. Going, Going, Gone
4. Hazel
8. Dirge

Domino is off today to go party with the Russians. Doc Braz is nowhere in sight, so I'm off to go spend some quality time with my old friends. Its off to the John Ball zoo. I'll be sure to capture a couple of our primate friends on camera.

Going, going, gone,
Porter Langley

The August Addendum: Choose And Lose 2004!

2004-08-01T13:02:00.000-04:00

The second biggest news story of last week, besides the bipedal ape, was the Democrats big party in Boston. Unfortunately Conclamo Ludus was not invited. However, as a certified "think tank" we are often asked to consult certain political groups and politicians during the campaign seasons. As an institution we are officially apolitical and entirely non-partisan. Our beliefs lie somewhere between fascism and communism. Below is our advice to our nominees:

"This guy grabbed my ass."

John Kerry: Ditch Edwards. Seriously John, Edwards makes you look uglier and uglier with every passing moment. You don't ever want a wingman that is better looking than you. You need somebody like Lieberman. You and Lieberman could have been the "California Raisin"/"Dad from Alf" ticket.

"I'll have another! Hey put some booze in it this time!"

Ralph Nader: Get crazy! I mean it, go all out. Just go nuts, nobody minds. Dye your hair purple, pose nude for Playgirl, get a tattoo of Bush on one ass cheek and Kerry on the other. We need to make you more controversial. You've become a real square lately. Think "bad publicity". Its going to be the key for you to win this election. You've still got time.

George can't get the idea of Helen Thomas naked out of his brain.

George Bush: Start making up words again. Your campaign needs a little more strategerizing. Don't let there be a single photo of you released without a ten-gallon hat on your head and a string-tie around your neck. Let's go with this cowboy thing. Also play some creepy background music whenever Rummy gets going on the microphone. Remember fear = votes.

Whatever your political affiliation I recommend WatchBlog as an excellent source of opinions on the matter. It lays it all out very nicely for a balanced perspective. By now many of us have seen the animated short by jibjab with Bush and Kerry going toe to toe singing Woody Guthrie's "This Land is My Land". The owners of the song rights threw their arms up this past week and decided to sue, which has prompted jibjab to spell it out, that this is in fact a parody. If you haven't seen it yet click here to watch it. Its pretty damn funny.

Vote Ape Party,
Porter Langley

The July Justice: Evolution Through Brain Damage

2004-07-31T17:36:00.000-04:00

In case you missed the big story in primatology this week. We are all very proud of Conclamo Ludus' newest honorary member, Natasha a 5 year-old Black Macaque monkey. She walks more upright than most of us.

After an incredible fight with a severe stomach flu, Natasha fully-recovered and is now walking upright. The punchline:

"I've never seen or heard of this before," said Horowitz. One possible explanation is brain damage from the illness, he said.

Here's the link to the whole story.

Go Macaques!,
Porter Langley

The July Justice: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

2004-07-31T13:04:00.000-04:00

After the intensity of last weekend, its nice to spend some time back at our suburban headquarters. Our latest movie pick is Sergio Leone's classic masterpiece, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Or as the Italians call it Il Buono, il brutto, il cattivo. Every once and awhile you find something that you know very well, you've heard all about it, its something that is ingrained in pop culture somehow, yet you are actually digesting it for the first time. Some of these things don't seem to live up to the hype, and then you find those gems that are actually worthy of the praise they receive and you realize what all the fuss is about.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly is a film worthy of all the praise it receives. The amount of influence the film has had on modern directors is no secret, with Quentin Tarantino calling it "The greatest directed movie of all time." You can grab any shot of the film and hang it on the wall. It is truly a textbook for cinematography. Much of what we idealize when we think of the "Western" genre comes from the carefully crafted films of Sergio Leone and his close crew of Italian filmmakers. These films are usually referred to as "Spaghetti Westerns" because of their Italian genes. In the late 1960's Leone churned out a set of movies that will forever define the genre. Focusing on the theme of "greed", these films are a must-have for collectors and film enthusiasts:

A Fistful of Dollars (1965)
For a Few Dollars More (1967)
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (1967)
Once Upon A Time In The West (1969)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is often regarded as the best of these films. The story focuses around three gunmen in Civil War-era New Mexico who are in search of a hidden fortune from a stolen confederate war-chest. All three men will do damn near anything for the gold and the result is a three-way showdown in a cemetary that wrote the rules of cinematic tension. For those history buffs the story may actually be rooted in historical fact as suggested by this review on IMDB. Below is an excerpt:

I have a suspicion that the storyline is actually based on historical fact. Consider this account from Joel Rose's "The Big Book of Thugs" under the entry of "The Reynolds Gang": They were organized in 1863 by Texans Jim and John Reynolds. They were briefly interned in a Civil War prison camp for Confederate sympathizers and after being released, began making robberies that, according to Jim Reynolds, were to help out Jefferson Davis and the Confederacy. The loot was buried somewhere in the area of Handcart Gulch and Spanish Peaks in Colarado Territory and later, after Jim Reynolds and four members of his gang had been executed by Colonel John M. Chivington of the Union Army, John Reynolds, dying from a fatal wound during a holdup, supposedly whispered out the location of his old gang's ill gotten loot. Unlike the movie version, it was never found.

Next time your at the video store rooting through all the latest shit movies, try picking up this classic. You've probably seen it a few times here and there on television, but see it again for the first time. It won't disappoint.

Yours Truly,
Porter Langley

The July Justice: Junior Rockwell's Bachelor Extravaganza Featuring Conclamo Ludus At The Hartford

2004-07-26T15:51:00.000-04:00

Nestled along the banks of the unforgiving torrent known as The Little Manistee River in Irons, Michigan, lies a comfortable lodge known as The Hartford Fish and Game Society. In the early 1800's when Hartford Insurance Company first started selling fire insurance, they secured some land along the winding banks of the river to bring clients for a weekend wilderness getaway. Well over a century later ownership changed hands a few times and in the 1970's it was purchased by a group of well-to-do doctors, dentists, and HVAC engineers from Grand Rapids as a place of solace and quietude that fulfilled their inner sportsman. Although Hartford Insurance Company broke all ties with the place since the new owner's took over, they retained the name to continue the legacy of the Hartford Fish & Game Society.

My father, the great Virgil Langley, has since become a member of this society in the early-1990's due to his close association with said HVAC engineer. Used primarily by it's members as a winter retreat, the adequate gaming lodge usually lies dormant in the summertime. The cobwebs gather, and the undergrowth becomes overgrowth as it lies in silent slumber for any who wander across its carefully hidden path. When it came time for Domino to plan the bachelor weekend for our dear friend Junior Rockwell, I approached him with the idea of hosting it at the isolated Retreat. The Hartford was built for such occasions, being a fully-stocked establishment that sleeps over twenty people, it was perfect for the last bachelor hurrah. Domino jumped right on the idea and took care of most of the legwork of the party. Together we arrived a day early to prepare the compound for the guest's arrival.

Friday morning Domino and I got up early enough and picked up a few last-minute supplies at the Dublin General Store. It wasn't long before our first arrivals showed up, the venerable Baby Chambers and, his nephew, the honorable Dr. T. Barry Brazleton. We had jobs for these two, Doc was in charge of cooking, and Baby was in charge of getting shit-faced. The two went above and beyond the call of duty to conquer their goals.

We started off the day with a friendly game of PIG. All it took was a little healthy competition to bring the four of us together again. My strategy was to turn Doc Braz and Domino against eachother and perhaps Baby Chambers would already be too drunk to win. My tactics worked up until the part where I counted on Baby missing due to drunkenness, unfortunately he had drank his spinach and took us all to school with the "Stripper-Style Pole Shot".

Above: The Baby Chamber's Unstoppable Stripper-Style Pole Shot.

Baby and I cruised over to the Dublin General Store to pick up the Keg. Busch Light, the greatest of all keg-beers had been secured the week before. I nearly lost sight of Baby a few times but it was still too early to worry about losing him. When we got back to the Hartford it was horseshoe time. Although none of us had played in a long time, if ever, we were quickly getting the hang of it and before long we were calculating telemetries and finding the perfect trajectory to keep from tossing them in the river. We were soon joined by our creepy neighbor Norm. Baby took a liking to him and the two seemed to get a long just fine. Norm was difficult to get a read on. He was a 75 year-old man wearing sweatpants that appeared to be covered in smudges of blood. One of Norm's favorite things to do is play "Dueling Banjos" on his banjo whenever he sees canoers go by on the river. But Norm doesn't do it because its funny, Norm never put it together that people are creeped out by the movie Deliverance. Nope Norm just liked the song, and the movie, but he couldn't say why. We fed Norm some beer and he stormed off when I refused to go back to his place to take pictures of his "trout". He wasn't that bad of a ball retriever though.

Baby cozies up to Norm.

Norm's goal of becoming Lead Ball Retriever at next year's Wimbledon is just around the corner.

After Doc and I sealed a last-minute victory, we started getting hungry. Doc jumped to the grill and made us some delicious burgers while we waited to see if anyone would actually show up. We were starting to get worried that people were going to have a hard time finding the place. Once nightfall came, their journey would only become even more uncertain.

Doc Braz flame-broils us some whoppers.

Finally a Mountaineer full of travel-weary bachelors arrived. They all came tumbling out of the SUV like it was a clown car. Junior Rockwell, the groom-to-be, was the wheelman, followed by his good friends Frank Copeland, Marshall Branson, Otter Banks, and Kirk Little. How they fit these guys in there for that extended amount of time boggled me. Kirk, stands at a square-shouldered 6 foot 8 inches and had to fold himself up for the journey. Once everyone got settled we set them up with their beer mugs and the games began. A good game of shoes helped the boys stretch out their limbs. It was Clockwork Apes versus Kirk and Marshall.

The rare Northern Michigan Clockwork Ape Homo Ludus is pictured throwing a horseshoe to knock high-hanging fruit from a tree.

The Ape's horseshoe gets stuck in the tree. The ape goes Apeshit.

Well after sundown we had a couple of new arrivals, Bubsy Malone, and the man-of-the-hour's little brother Chase Rockwell. The two caught up quickly and pretty soon I could no longer contain the crew that had swelled to 10 spinning, lunging, flailing, shouting drunks. Chase declared his sobriety and Doc Braz led the charge to the Na-Tah-Ka Tavern. I encouraged the idea, simply so I could catch my breath and relax a little by the fire. Domino stuck around in case we had any late-night arrivals. After awhile my old friend and once-mentor Tucker Belding showed with his buddy from Ludington. It was great to see Tuck, its been a long time since we got to catch up. If it weren't for Tucker Belding I would've never met my present tribe of friends, and Conclamo Ludus would be just one guy sitting by himself in a one-room apartment writing about alphebatizing his sock drawer. It was originally rumored that Tuck was making an appearance with Corporal Danny Fitzpatrick, but Danny held prior engagements.

After a while, I finally just put Domino in charge and went to get some shut-eye. I cannot corroborate the resulting rumor the next morning, but I have seen such activity before. Apparently Kirk Little had managed to strong-arm a local gal into coming back to the lodge for a little fireside chat. Kirk's attempted romance came to an abrupt halt when the young woman was chased off the premises by a pack of angry primates. Kirk was very vocal the rest of the weekend about his missed opportunity. The horrified woman later told authorities that the last thing she saw before running to her car was a detached Ape Head mounted to a tree.

This would frighten anyone.

The next morning came quickly for the guests. Doc Braz sealed off the kitchen and began making his specialty Old Milwaukee Eggs with Cheese. The primary seasoning involved in Old Milwaukee Eggs is, of course, a splash of Old Milwalkee beer. And yes, you can taste the hops. Doc broke some sort of sanitation laws I am sure, when he unpantsed himself while serving. As the story goes, Frankie had given Doc a grundy that ripped up his only pair of manties for the weekend. Doc became frustrated at the discomfort while cooking and decided to let things hang. Due to the strange severity of the good doctor's tan-lines most people though that he was wearing a pair of white-colored spandex bicycle shorts. But truth be told, that's his bare ass.

Kiss The Cook

Saturday morning brought in some fresh faces to keep the booze flowing. Nigel Harris arrived around noon just as I was trying to choke down a sandwich. Nigel is an engineer with On*Star and he had brought along a demo unit for us. This was our only line of communication to the outside world. I made careful note on how to work the unit just in case the walls came crashing down on the place. Jolly Roger brought his allies KJake, and Moe Smithy. Jolly came in hauling a stockpile of liquor with him. Having rekindled his romance with Captain Morgan, Jolly Roger was prepared for a long weekend lost at sea. I was really happy that KJake and Smithy accompanied him. Some of you know KJake from his popular website KJake.net. I'm sure you can follow the link and hear his side of the story as well. Smithy is an old buddy we've known for years. Smithy dives into his liquor until he hits bottom, and then drinks his way out which made him apt to get the afternoon drinking going.

As the day started to wear on, it became more and more evident to me that these guys were going to revolt if some sort of activity didn't occur. Most people kept themselves busy playing Texas Hold 'Em or relaxing by the fire, but this could only go on for so long, before these men would take up arms.

How is this strange? You've seen dogs play poker.

I kept my eyes peeled and my ears in tune. There were whispers and murmurs of mutiny lurking in the shadows and around each corner of the cabin. Most of these boys being from Lewiston Michigan were harcore Tuber's having navigated some of Michigan's most trecherous waterways via innertube. I knew if I could get them on the river, it would quell their impending rebellion. I turned to Domino for direction but even he had turned on me. He had checked out, and took to destroying the keg with the rest of the men. When I found Baby Chambers mama-birding ApeJake, I knew it was time to start moving.

ApeJake takes the delicious supper of piping hot mouth-warmed Jim Beam from Mama Chambers.

I jumped on the phone and called around to find some tubes. Nobody in Lake County rents innertubes, but we found a place to purchase them. I hopped in the Mountaineer with Doc, Kirk, and Frankie, on a quest to bring back some suitable watercraft for the seaworthy men. We first went to the Dublin General Store. This store sells everything, except for adult-sized innertubes. They've got crossbows, bait, jerky, booze, groceries, ammo, guns, power converters, tools, black market stolen artwork, livestock, but no adult-sized innertubes. We quickly grabbed more beer for the river-float and headed over to Wellston Hardware. They had just enough tubes left, we bought all of them. Doc interrogated the man behind the counter as he rung us up.

Wellston: What river you floatin' down?
Doc: The Little Manistee.
Wellston: Good.
Doc: Is it worth it?
Wellston: Yeah. You'll enjoy it.
Doc: Is it cold?
Wellston: Hell yes its cold, but you get enough liquor in ya, you'll float all the way to Lake Michigan.

We packed up and headed back to the lodge. I consulted my father to find out the best deployment zone for these guys. "Johnson Bridge", its about a 2 hour journey back to the Hartford. Perfect. These guys will be back just in time for dinner.

Jerry Olafsson and his wife Jane had arrived with little sister in tow by this time and I quickly recruited him to help me ship the crew to the bridge. As we dropped them off with a large supply of beer, we couldn't help but wonder what kind of journey they were in for. The Little Manistee is well known for its frigid summertime temperatures and swift current, but with the sun still shining, I knew these guys could fend off the elements.

Nigel Harris takes the icy plunge as others watch on in delight.

Domino Brooks and Dr. T. Barry Brazleton chart the river in search of the Northwest Passage

From Left to Right: Frankie Copeland, Chase Rockwell, Otter Banks, Nigel Harris, Bubsy Malone, Marshall Branson, and the bachelor Junior Rockwell. If we blow this picture up and take a look at the look on Junior Rockwell's face, we see the foreboding look of premonition.

Junior Rockwell's life is flashing before his eyes.

Back at the Hartford I made sure the remaining party was adequately supplied, and took a brief nap. I awoke and spent some time chatting with KJake, Smithy, Tucker, and the Olafssons. After an hour and a half had passed I wondered if we would start seeing some drifters. As I sat on the dock watching the upriver bend, I heard a large commotion up by the fire. Half of the tubing party was standing around the fire shivering and angry. They had been pulled out of the river a ways upstream. The sky had become overcast and without the warmth of the sun, the Little Manistee became an ice-luge that moved too fast to freeze. The survivors quickly changed into dry clothes and helped themselves to the fifths and food. The man who pulled them out of the river was now pointing his finger at me.

"Its a good 8 hour trip downriver from my place. Those boys won't be back until after midnight. Are you crazy?" Randy asked. "I'm not going to let those boys die out on that river, you stay here with these careless drunks, and I'll go fish the rest of them out of the water." How a 5 minute drive could result in an 8 hour trek downriver was beyond me, but I kept my mouth shut, surely this man knows the river better than I do. I waited nervously almost contacting the authorities several times. Rescue Randy was on the job though and would probably be able to catch them.

At approximately 2.5 hours since deployment three bloated, barely breathing, angry tubers washed up on the sandbar by the dock. We fished Domino, Nigel, and Otter out of the river. Domino broke the icicles off of his chin and reached out to the nearest neck for a chokehold, which happened to be Chase Rockwell's. We broke the two up and Domino calmed himself by tossing a chair halfway across the valley. The bachelor Junior and Bubsy Malone were still MIA. This was bad news. From what the others told us, they had hijacked a raft a ways upstream and were using that to float back home. There was no sign of Randy either. Although his knowledge of the river was now losing credibility, I was just grateful somebody was going after these guys.

I worked quickly to defrost the long-haulers. They had lost all motor skills and I couldn't tell if it was because of the booze or hypothermia or both. I tossed them each into a warm shower, made some coffee, stoked-up the fire, and searched for blankets. They had to get their core body temperatures up or I'd be making some awkward phonecalls on that On*Star unit. About a half hour later Rescue Randy and his buddy pulled up to the dock in canoes with Junior and Bubsy secured. I worked on thawing those two out and debriefed with Rescue Randy. So he was a little off on his estimate, so was I. But the cold water has a way of freezing time that would make 2.5 hours easily turn into 8 or 10 or 16 hours in the perception of the ones braving the rapids. I was a nervous wreck from the whole fiasco, and wasn't able to settle down until well after midnight.

Once these boys got their blood flowing again they quickly took to the fifth table. As a sort of bachelor-party potluck we asked everyone to bring a fifth to pass. What type of liquor was entirely up to them. Just about every body complied with our request and we ended up with a cornucopia of inebriants. There was a fifth of Captain Morgans, Jim Beam White and Black, All varieties of Vermouth, 103 Proof Fighting Cock, enough Vodka's to pay Russia's Debt, a couple of fifths of Jaegermeister, a rainbow of Puckers, Schnapps, and other drinkables. Surely this will be enough. Having cheated death by conquering the river, there is only one thing left for these men to do - cheat death again by conquering the river of firewater.

Frankie displays the Beer Bitch to an excited Domino

Doc Braz lends a helping hand to Domino as he presses onward into oblivion.

A lightbulb exploded inside of Chase Rockwell's head and he ran off to the store with Marshall to fetch a couple of 40-ouncers. When he returned he introduced his older brother to a man named Edward Forty-Hands. The idea is that with two 40 oz bottles of beer taped to your hands, you are unable to do anything until they have been drank. Our minds were totally blown. This was a custom completely foreign to Conclamo Ludus, and we all sat eagerly watching as Junior's little brother wrapped electrical tape around his hands.

Chase tapes up his brother's hands while he recounts the tale of his daring rescue to Jane Olafsson.

I think electrical tape was the only thing they had at the store. But it worked.

Junior was a good sport about the whole thing, and offered some to anyone who passed by.

No one is quite sure why Domino insisted on getting on his knees for the drink.

Edward Forty-Hands

Junior Rockwell takes a double-barrell to the mouth.

The seething mass of pie-eyed partyers got further and further into the abyss of intoxication with every passing hour. At one point Nigel Harris donned an ape mask and gave everyone a masturbatory gesture, symbolizing what would soon be Junior's newest pasttime. Nigel gave him that grim reminder that sex is all over after the honeymoon.

The North American Clockwork Ape is pictured here simulating masturbation on a dock over the Little Manistee River.

The even more rare North American Homosexual Ape Homo Homo Ludus, the last of its breed.

At the crescendo of the party Domino got that melon-smashing look in his eye that was a popular occurrance on the night of Jerry Olafsson's bachelor party last year. Domino loves food more than people, which also means that at times he hates food more than people. He usually unleashes this pent up rage on an unsuspecting squash, melon, or tomato. I remember the gleam in his eye at the grocery store when he placed a large seedless watermelon into the cart. I played along with him that it would make a tasty treat for all of us on a hot afternoon. We both knew that would never be. The watermelon had one purpose, martyrdom. A hush came over the crowd and we followed him single file out onto the dock. He returned the river's cruel icy glare as he raised the melon high above his head. Nobody breathed. With all of his might he brought his arms down launching the melon onto a sharp rocky outcropping in the river. This was his vengeance on the Little Manistee, it was now a tie game. Emotionally exhausted Domino fell to his knees at the end of the dock, as Dr. Brazleton breathed life back into his stomach with a fresh mama bird of Beam. The leering crowd of carousers gave a cheer and the party continued on.

The remains of a Watermelon smashed in the river, not unlike the aftermath of a shark attack.

Nigel soothed the savage beasts with his hilarious repertoire.

The drinking had reached its peak and the freight-train was beginning its long slow decelleration. Our numbers began to dwindle to but a few lonely boozehounds crowded around the campfire. Some began to venture off and cook the last of the remaining food, others began to look for a place to pass out.

Doc Braz initiates his shutdown sequence. Unit will power off in 5...4...3..

At about the time Nigel and Kirk started talking politics I knew that it was time to turn in. I rested easy knowing that nobody had died, at least not yet, and not from the river. I had exonerated myself of marching my brethren off to certain death.

From Left to Right First Row (kneeling): Porter Langley, Bubsy Malone, and Nigel Harris. Second Row: Jerry Olafsson, Moe Smithy, Jolly Roger, Junior Rockwell, Domino Brooks, Frankie Copeland, Otter Banks, and Tucker Belding. Third Row: Doc Brazleton, Baby Chambers, KJake, and Kirk Little.

I want to thank everyone for coming out to the Hartford for Junior Rockwell's big bash. We wish him luck on his upcoming adventure into matrimony. Of course all of the maniacs pictured above will make an appearance at the big wedding, of which I have been assigned press coverage. Its going to be the biggest thing to hit Lewiston since, well anything. We'll do this again sometime minus the near-death experiences and ice-cold rapids.

Your River Guide,
Porter Langley

P.S. I leave you with this image:

The July Justice: Band of Gold

2004-07-18T15:57:00.000-04:00

Sam Kaplan and Calico Pryce are now Mr. and Mrs. Sam Kaplan as of this past Friday evening. They got married in a quiet ceremony in Hudsonville, Michigan. Conclamo Ludus was in attendance at the reception, which was presided over by Rosalita De La Cruz as the mistress of ceremonies. Dr. T Barry Brazleton was in attendance as one of three Best Men. There were moments of uncertainty on whether or not the reception was going to turn, but it maintained an easy-going pace of entertaining mixing and mingling. The dinner was excellent, there was just enough booze, and they never played The Chicken Dance, or YMCA, or We Are Family, or any of that other crap that you hear at every damn wedding. The music teeter-tottered on either slow-dancing country songs, or hard-hitting booty music. There wasn't a whole lot of dancing though, simply because the dance floor wasn't close enough to the bar.

One of the most entertaining things about weddings is seeing all of your friends get "cleaned up". Its not very often you see this band of misfits dressed to the nines. The whole crew was there, Jerry and Jane Olafsson, Lenny Vaughan and his wife, Baby and Bear Chambers, Jack and Johnny Scheffield our attorney and accountant respectively, and of course the Kaplans. Dr. B and Jack Scheffield kept the crowd on its feet through the speeches and glass-clanking. Everybody cleaned up pretty well. I have to give a nod to Lenny Vaughan for having perhaps the most intense haircut of the whole bunch. He looked more like an 19th century composer than a man who runs the familiar pool-installation crew.

One of the more tense moments came when we were just finishing dinner, and I jokingly said to Domino "How much you want to bet Baby's got dice on him", Domino nodded to Baby and he reached in the front pocket of his shirt and he threw out a Mama Bird role. The bar was closed through dinner thankfully so a Mama Bird was out of the question. We saw a lot of old friends that we haven't kept a lot of contact with lately. I didn't stick around for the after-party but if the reception was any indicator, it was going to be the calm before the storm.

We extend our warmest congratulations to Sam and Calico, the two deserve eachother and will be very happy together. They've been together for years and years and we're very happy they've stepped into the next level.

In other news there may be some validity to the rumors that Johnny Scheffield, our accountant, is in negotiation to sign on as a full-time member of Conclamo Ludus. Details are still sketchy, and a formal offer has not yet been made, but we've been privately reviewing his file since we lost Baby Chambers from our ranks. Close friend Jolly Roger has picked up his roots and moved to sunny Minnesota, this month. We miss him dearly, but we wish him well on his new beginning in the North Star State. Preparations continue for the big bash at the Hartford this weekend.

Stay tuned for more news during the week.

In Holy Matrimony,
Porter Langley

The July Justice: Extra-Carricular Activities

2004-07-14T20:24:00.000-04:00

Its time for us to set the record straight. If you would believe the press, you would think that all we do at Conclamo Ludus is terrorize small-town America, Drink ourselves silly, and dress up as monkeys. No that's not all that we do. As a group we have an incredible array of interests. From films, to sports, video games to blues music, turn of the century literature to civil war history. Our interests run the gamut. Chances are if there is a hobby out there, one of us has our hands in it, or would jump at the chance to pick up something new. We keep things fresh at Conclamo Ludus, bringing in new influences and sharing them with the group is a constant practice of its members. This week I wanted to highlight some of the content out there that Conclamo Ludus fully endorses. As Director of Public Relations I asked for each member to submit to me a brief write up of some of their favorite things. Doc Braz unfortunately wasn't able to find the time, he works like a mule.

What We're Watching on TV

Six Feet Under

Once a week somebody dies, somebody sleeps with somebody, somebody in the family goes insane, and somebody sees dead people. Sounds like a terrible soap opera, but it happens to be the greatest prime time drama on television right now. HBO has managed to etch my Sunday night schedules in stone with hit series after hit series always slated for that top spot. Now in its 4th season, Conclamo Ludus gathers around the telly every Sunday night to see a family slightly more strange than our own. Its hard for us to keep track of the seasons because unlike the Sopranos, Six Feet Under manages to actually keep a decent production schedule. They've been churning these seasons out as fast as, well, as fast as any series should. We first started watching the 2nd season two years ago, then I purchased the 1st season DVD to catch up. However when we didn't have cable we didn't see season 3 when it aired, so earlier this year when they re-ran with the Sopranos we were able to catch up. The downside is that we didn't get a break and have gone straight into the 4th and latest season. The series follows the lives of the Fisher family who are picking up the pieces of their family business after the death of the patriarch of the family. There's Nate, the runaway son who is eager to solve the big mystery of "dad", David the gay younger son who is at odds with his brother after spending his whole life working hard to take over for the father, Claire the youngest and a troubled angst-ridden art-student daughter who seems to find herself in all sorts of trouble, Ruth the homemaker who's trying to hold the family together any way she can. Created by Alan Ball of "American Beauty" fame, the series boasts some of the most refreshing and groundbreaking characters ever to grace the small screen. The first two seasons are now out on DVD and if you haven't checked them out, I'd recommend at least renting these sometime. You'll wonder how you ever lived without HBO.

NASCAR

If you told me three years ago that I would be sitting on my couch one Sunday afternoon in a sweat-stained wife-beater, drinking Natural Light and swearing at NASCAR on tv, I'd tell you to go screw yourself. But lo and behold, I've made it. We may spend the evenings dissecting the unique cross-section of humanity portrayed on Six Feet Under, but during the afternoons we are mindlessly hypnotized by multi-colored ad-covered cars spinning around a circle a few hundred times. Some people never understand NASCAR, and I can't blame them. If all you see are cars buzzing around the track, there is nothing anyone can do for you. It is a sport of subtlety and nuance that is often overlooked when people are distracted by their own race of dismissal. The engineering that goes into these cars, coupled with the outrageous personalities of the drivers, is what drags me back to it week after week. Pick a driver and watch it one week and I guarantee, three weeks later you'll be screaming Boogity Boogity Boogity.

Porter's Picks:

What I'm Watching on DVD

Cowboy Bebop: The Movie

I heard all about the hype of this series for a while and remained quite skeptic. Finally I gave in and thought I'd check out the Graphic Novel release and quickly fell in love with the characters and concepts. I dug into it and bought the entire animated series. Take the pop-culture consciousness of Quentin Tarantino, combine it with the quiet desperation of early Westerns, add the fireworks of Science Fiction, and paint it all as Japanese Animation, and your left with one of the greatest phenomenons of global culture. This is easily the most accessible work that falls into the anime category. Cowboy Bebop: The Movie brings back all the lovable characters of the animated series and plays like a feature length episode of the original series. The film is a also a great introduction to each of the characters and works well as a standalone piece, which can be said about the Graphic Novels as well. For those who are turned off by anime, you'll find that this series is just too familiar to easily brush aside. The series tells the story of four unlikely heroes who are thrown together for the almighty buck. They scour the galaxy collecting their bounties and exploring their own pasts.

What I'm Reading

Light In August, By William Faulkner

As part of my Summer American Author's Series I'm delving into the American South with Light in August. Published in 1932 Light in August follows the troubled life of a mixed-race orphan in the thickness of the deep South. It is one of the more challenging books I've read in a long time with its collage style of writing. The book is full of false-starts and dead-ends, it winds its way back and forth, doubles-back on itself and at times lies as stagnant as a Louisiana bayou. The end result is a book that becomes a feeling or a memory instead of a text. You remember the sound of Reverend Hightower's voice, wise and heavy with compassion, but drenched in a seething ideology and blinded by the will to do right. You remember the look on Joe Christmas' face as he twists his face in confusion at his half-black half-white heritage and the tone of his agonizing sobs at being bereft of his own history. You remember the way the dust rose off of the dirt road that Lena Grove waddled down barefoot and pregnant in search of the father of her child and husband-to-be. Light in August plays out very much like the past of our memories, large portions of the novel drift by you, followed by slow moving periods of intensity. Although difficult at times, it is easy to see why Light in August is an American Classic.

What I'm Listening To

Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand

Franz Ferdinand is the latest post-punk powerhouse to migrate from our allies across the pond. Take the staccato step-beat of Swedish rockers The Hives and dip it in the dark breathy lyrics of Pulp, and you've got the tone of Ireland's latest success. They are a success despite this being their debut album, it easily lives up to the task of great debut albums. At times they are reminiscent of The Stranglers with their spinning surreal explorations like "the dark of the matinee". Their radio-friendly "take me out" is a toe-tapping guitar-rock anthem with lyrics that will catch you by surprise. Franz Ferdinand has a lot of potential and they've found a home on my watch-list. I look forward to their sophomore album.

Domino's Pick's
In His Own Words,

What I'm Reading

The Lords of Discipline, By Pat Conroy

It was Danny "Killer" Kowalski's mother who first suggested I read American author Pat Conroy. I started with his latest book "My Losing Season" which is autobiographical. I thoroughly enjoyed it and have recently jumped into "The Lords of Discipline". It focuses on the corruptions of American military college. Conroy writes about what he knows, the American South, his military upbringing, and the journey to find ones-self. However what makes him a special writer to me is his ability to use words and his courage in truly expressing himself. I look forward to reading Conroy's other works including "Beach Music", "The Prince of Tides", and "The Great Santini".

What I'm Listening To

Wanted: The Outlaws, featuring Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Jesse Colter, and Tompall Glaser

2003 and much of my life has been the year of the Blues, but so far 2004 has been a close look at Country music. It is an interesting "Country". The first syllable alone is ugly, but both syllables together sound beautiful. Now everyone knows Willie Nelson, and if you don't you live in an urban cave somewhere, but Waylon Jennings and the rest of his crew make this one of the most gritty, honest, and satisfying pieces of American music. Of course its not what most think of as "true" country music because these individuals operated outside the iron-curtain of Nashville's traditional industry. This album is a sampler of classics including "Honky-Tonk Heroes (Like Me)", and "A Good Hearted Woman" which prompted me to listen to the album in its entirety close to fifty times. I want to switch to something else but I simply cannot. Take my advice, try it on.

Domino Brooks
Director of Strategic Dissatisfaction
Conclamo Ludus

Stay tuned for more behind the scenes looks at our interests. Someday maybe we'll hear from Dr. Brazleton too. Friday's the big day for Sam Kaplan and Calico Pryce as they tie the knot. We'll be there to help hitting on the bridesmaids, soaking up the open bar, and leading the charge down the aisle. Come Saturday morning around-the-clock preparations begin as the countdown to our Mystery Guest's bachelor weekend festival kicks off. Domino Brooks is doling out invites to this exclusive weekend getaway in gorgeous Irons, Michigan. Guests will have their fill of horseshoes, darts, billiards, Texas hold 'em poker, craps, fishing, beer-drinking, fifth-offs, dirt-court basketball tournaments, canoeing, tubing, Three-Man, and more, all along the soothing quietude of the Little Manistee River.

Stay tuned for more,
Porter Langley

And remember, if you have any feedback you can hate-mail us at conclamoludus@excite.com or conclamoludus@yahoo.com, Its weird I know, but you have to think of it as having bicoastal representation on the internet. Oh, and if you want to be adventurous you can g-mail me at porter.langley@gmail.com, don't ask how I got one of those coveted beta g-mail accounts, you don't want to know.

The July Justice: Founder's Keepers

2004-07-11T17:52:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning started out with the culmination of a big beautification project that has been in the works for a few weeks here at the Conclamo Ludus Suburban Headquarters. Rosalita De La Cruz's folks stopped by with a slew of gardening gear to get the front of our house looking halfway acceptable. Although we haven't yet gotten rid of the ox-cart filled with various debris ranging from Domino's old tires to a 70's era TV Antenna, we have managed to squeeze the most aesthetic we can out of it. The De La Cruz's planted a nice variety of perennials which look quite respectable for a house full of hooligans. I'm afraid the neighbor's have already started a betting pool on how long the flowers live, but if Jeff Goldbloom has taught us anything about chaos theory, its that life will find a way. Nature is going to side with the flowers against our collective lack of discipline. Unfortunately the De La Cruz's didn't stick around for our grill-out. Dr. Brazleton in his "Kiss the Cook" apron served us up some fantastic burgers. After lunch and the obligatory afternoon naps I ran off to the movies.

I came home to Domino sitting on the front porch with Junior Rockwell. Domino and Junior had were just coming around the last turn on the final lap of a 12-pack of Busch Light. Doc Braz was starting to dip into his Jim Beam Black. I could hear the thunder in the distance. The night could easily get enough legs to run away from us all.

Meet Junior Rockwell

Junior Rockwell has been an associate of Conclamo Ludus for years now and one of Domino's closest friends. Junior is well known for his ability to outlast, outplay, and outdrink nearly anybody. I've never seen someone so intoxicated maintain a sense of stability for such an extended period of time as when we've partied with Junior. This is one of many admirable qualities we know in Junior. His zeal for the things he loves is what makes him fit in with us so well. Junior loves what he loves and will never apologize for it or make an excuse. He'll follow his heroes into hell like the rest of us.

Domino makes the "Big Switch" to whiskey while the sun is still shining.

The plan became quickly apparent. Booze fast and hard, head over to Founder's Brewing Co. to catch the Bump show. We tend to expect the unexpected, but we were nevertheless caught off guard by some old friends joining up with us. Clara & Rod Rubio paid us a visit. We gave Rod & Clara the grand tour, its been a while since we've seen these two. The last time we partied with them was Halloween '03. SEE ALSO - Clockwork Apes. Rod immediately began playing catch-up. Time was of the essence. Founder's Brewing Company is not the ideal place to drink. They don't have any liquor. They've got great beer. Its delicious, and its potent, but there is certainly a limit to how many you can comfortably have in your belly at one time. Micro-brewed beer is not meant for mass consumption. This is just fine for my more personal moderate tastes, but one of the pillars of Conclamo Ludus is excess, and this wasn't the best drinking environment for excess. So most of us double-timed it before hitting the bar. Rod & I went on a beer run.

When we moved our headquarters to the suburban northeast sector of Grand Rapids, we were a little worried about finding ourselves a liquor store. We had been patrons of the Party Cooler for quite a while. The Party Cooler had everything from your standard Beer/Wine/Liquor faire to your more specialized Pickle's Pig Feet/Pork Rinds/Porn selection. If you needed something the all asian-staffed Party Cooler could get it for you. Even after the big move we returned to the Party Cooler now and then just to check in. However, we needed something a little closer to home. Liquor store's in the suburb's? Impossible you say? Not when your neighborhood butts up against the industrial wasteland of the former-Furniture City capitol of the world. We soon found Tillie's Market. They've got a great crew working there. Step inside and you'll be quick to notice the eye candy behind the counter. Step over to the coolers and Madman Mike will greet you to help you pick from their large selection of domestic and imported beers. They've got all the micro-brews in town and all the cheap classics. Madman Mike will help you pinpoint what beer is right for you within any budget. Looking for a "post yard-work" beer? Coors Light. Looking for a "cheap all-purpose" beer? Natural Light. Looking for "something to clean your toilets with"? Make it Miller Light. Rod asked for the most "beer for your buck" and Madman Mike immediately calculated a 12 pack of Icehouse in bottles combined with a case of Miller Light on sale. We declined that one. Rod went for the Coors twins, Light vs. Original. If you are ever in the neighborhood and are thinking of dropping by on Conclamo Ludus I recommend stopping at Tillie's first. Tell them your coming to see us and they'll put together the Conclamo Ludus Party Pack:

2 Fifths Jim Beam
2 Cases of Natural Light
2 Pints of PeachTree

Prices may vary.

TILLIE'S MARKET (616) 361-9500
1702 MONROE AVE NW
GRAND RAPIDS, MI 49505-4661

Lance Corporal Rod Rubio is locked in an inner struggle. Light or Original?

Rosalita showed up after an Kalico Pryce's bachelorette party came to an early finish. She bussed the crew over to Founder's in her fancy new Saab, and it quickly became very obvious to us all that we had arrived a couple hours too early. The first band En2 out of Indianapolis, Indiana played a particularly long set. I really enjoyed the music. Their style of jazz improv-funk is reminiscent of Medeski, Martin, & Wood, with a little bit of Phish jam-band flow thrown in. The music wasn't really conducive to our usual drinking patterns and I think the time may have been better spent back at the house. We didn't want to risk standing around table-less for Bump.

En2 gives us a taste of Indianapolis Jazz

A slew of old friends dropped in unexpectedly, including Sam Kaplan with a buddy of his, and Baby & Bear Chambers with a couple people. It was great to see everybody and although this wasn't our usual type of adventure, a good time was had by all.

Domino's left hand is on Clara Rubio's ass

Conclamo Ludus Graduate Baby Chambers(Right) catches up with Lance Corporal Rod Rubio(Left)

From the Ladies of Conclamo Ludus Calendar: Bear Chambers(Right) & Rosalita De La Cruz(Left).

Bump is a band that we first caught at Billy's Lounge, and have been keeping on our watch-list for the past year and a half. Its Detroit Funk with a great cavalcade of influences. They have been known to slam out some of our favorite tracks including: Werewolves of London, Crossroads, Whiskey River, Folsom Prison, and many more. These guys turn up the tempo and have the ability to actually shock you with a gospel-sounding harmony that seems to come from nowhere. Check their tour schedule to see when they invade your hometown, you won't regret it.

Bump delivers a soulful rendition of Crossroads.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for a behind the scenes look at Conclamo Ludus later this week. We'll be delving into some of the things we love and answer some the questions:

What are we listening to?
What are we watching?
What are we reading?

Always True,
Porter Langley

The July Justice: Postcards From Irons, Part II

2004-07-07T22:20:00.000-04:00

Below is the second set of photos from our night at the Na-Tah-Ka Tavern in Irons, Michigan. There are a lot of pictures, you may have to click on the archive link for July 2004 on the sidebar to see them all. Some of these pictures are posed, some of them are candid. As you can probably see the pictures tell a story of celebration of both the bachelor Sam Kaplan and the birthday boy Dr. Brazleton. We will of course be making a triumphant return to Irons in a few weeks to celebrate yet another bachelor's fall from grace.

Stay tuned for all the latest Conclamo Ludus News.

Goodnight America,
Porter Langley

2004-07-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

Dr. Brazleton gives Jack Tack some advice that may one day save his life.

2004-07-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

The Classic Brazletonian Stance.

2004-07-07T22:08:00.000-04:00

Doc Braz starts ordering us all around.

2004-07-07T22:07:00.001-04:00

Jane Olafsson gives an example of a sexual inuendo.

2004-07-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

That rotten attorney of ours Jack Scheffield.

2004-07-07T22:06:00.001-04:00

The lovely waitstaff at the Na-Tah-Ka Tavern. They insisted that we keep drinking.

2004-07-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

Dr. Brazleton duels with Kid Compton.

2004-07-07T22:05:00.001-04:00

Sam Kaplan and Doc Brazleton before the booze came crashing down.

2004-07-07T22:05:00.000-04:00

Doc surrenders. Nobody follows the order to retreat.

2004-07-07T22:03:00.000-04:00

Sam Kaplan gets a breather with Jerry Olafsson by the pool table.

2004-07-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

From Left to Right: Domino raising his glass, Sam Kaplan doing his best John Kerry impression, Porter Langley doing my best Slim Pickins impression, and our attorney Jack Scheffield dressed in yachting attire.

2004-07-07T21:59:00.000-04:00

Doc offends Dot. Dot is unamused but purchases a shot for him regardless.

2004-07-07T21:54:00.000-04:00

Its Doc vs. Dot. Dot is the matriarch and owner of the Na-Tah-Ka tavern, she's like a grandmother to Doc. Actually more like one of his grandmother's hot friends. Doc is actually negotiating a body shot from Dot. Jane looks on entertained.

2004-07-07T21:51:00.000-04:00

Left to Right: Domino Brooks, Lenny Vaughan, and Sam Kaplan. Yes, that is an autographed Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels t-shirt that Domino is wearing.

2004-07-07T21:49:00.000-04:00

To the right of our friendly waitress is the customized bucket for Doc Braz's birthday. If you look closely you can read: Happy 26th [heart] Porter Langley, on the other side of the bucket it says: Fuck You [heart] Steve Gutenburg. Everyone in the bar signed it. Doc left it behind the bar for our next adventure in Irons.

2004-07-07T21:48:00.000-04:00

Last call, Jane Olafsson either wants to kill me or make love to me. You decide.

2004-07-07T21:46:00.000-04:00

Bachelor Sam is leaning on his knees to stabilize the contents of his stomach which have become highly volatile. Lenny rejoices with his signature thumbs up.

2004-07-07T21:45:00.000-04:00

3rd Row: Jack Tack
2nd Row Left to Right: Porter Langley, Domino Brooks, Paulie Franzac, and Sam Kaplan.
1st Row Left to Right: Total Stranger with Child, Our attorney Jack Scheffield, Lenny Vaughan, Dr. T. Barry Brazleton being humped by Kid Compton. Front Row: Local couple we met at the bar.

This picture was composed entirely by Doc Braz through his instructions to each of the people in the photo. The local elderly woman crouching in the front had horrible back pains and Doc told her to crouch. I told her she didn't need to, but she said that "It was worth it for this young man's picture." Doc's response: "Has anyone offered you a modeling contract?"

The July Justice: Postcards From Irons

2004-07-06T21:49:00.000-04:00

As promised, below are the disgusting sordid pictures that were leaked to the press by some angry papparazzi. They are obviously doctored. Allow these pictures to be a visual supplement to the rulebook of Three Man. I wasn't kidding about the Mama Bird rule. Although with how many Mama Birds (Snake Eyes) these guys were rolling I'm beginning to suspect that they are playing with loaded dice. Doc Braz brought them. Lance Corporal Danny Fitzpatrick would be very proud of his boys. If you see the pictures and are shocked and horrified, go to yesterday's post and read the rules of Three Man. These are not pictures of a ship that has been lost at sea for too long, its all just a harmless game of Three Man.

This is the first of the Irons, Michigan pictures from Sam Kaplan's bachelor night. The second set will come tomorrow. So stay tuned to see our triumphant return to the Na-Tah-Ka Tavern.

Its an ugly world out there,
Porter Langley

2004-07-06T21:43:00.000-04:00

Jerry Olafsson's Loon Lake Boat Tour featuring a game of Three Man: Conclamo Ludus Edition.

2004-07-06T21:41:00.001-04:00

Mama Bird Doc Braz warms up dinner (Hot Natural Light) for Baby Bird Jack Scheffield.

2004-07-06T21:41:00.000-04:00

From Left to Right: Kid Compton, Jerry Olafsson, our attorney Jack Scheffield, Doc Braz (rear), and the bachelor Sam Kaplan (front).

2004-07-06T21:37:00.000-04:00

Three Man is not a game that entirely consists of faux make-out sessions between grown men. There is dice-rolling involved too. See the rules below.

2004-07-06T21:36:00.000-04:00

Doc Braz gently strokes Baby Bird Jack Scheffield's cheek so that he finishes his whole supper. At this time the other pontoon boats nearby open-fired on us. Party-poopers.

2004-07-06T21:32:00.000-04:00

Domino's first deployment on Sam missed the drop zone, a horrified Doc Braz looks on.

2004-07-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

Domino shows us a textbook Mama Bird in the final round of Three Man. Note the precision spacing between the two. The baby bird is fed without the mama bird actually touching beaks with it. Again, this is what separates the hardcore Three Man players from the Disgusted Spectators.

The July Justice: Na-Tah-Ka Nation

2004-07-05T14:39:00.000-04:00

Just as planned I sped home after work and stayed only long enough to grab the essentials. I was on the road to Irons by 5:30 pm. Earlier in the day I had radioed Doc Braz for directions to Jerry Olafsson's cabin. Jerry is a long-time friend of Dr. Brazleton and Conclamo Ludus and he had invited the crew up for the weekend for Sam Kaplan's bachelor celebration. It was just last year Conclamo Ludus hosted Jerry's bachelor extravaganza. Jerry was taking charge of Sam's fate this time and Conludus was just along for the ride. If there wasn't reason enough to get rowdy, it also happened to be Dr. Brazleton's birthday.

The traffic heading north was painfully slow on my way out of Grand Rapids. All I could do was wonder what I was going to walk into. Domino and Dr. B were heading up there earlier in the day and they would probably have a good 6 hours head start on drinking. They can cover a lot of ground in 6 hours. I left open the very real possibility that I would never find them in Irons. That perhaps all I would find would be the smoldering wreckage of a one-horse town. What clues would they leave behind? A trail of disgraced-looking locals and empty fifths of bourbon? A dusty ape-mask in the hands of the sheriff? What would they tell me when I asked what happened? What would I tell them?

I arrived in Irons just after 7 pm. The directions Dr. Braz had given me for Jerry's place became very vague as soon as I had a visual lock on it. I drove around Loon Lake and circled back around Bass Lake. These two lakes form a sort of Nexus in the aptly-named Lake County. I knew the County well enough having been a member of the Hartford Fish & Game Society on the Little Manistee river just around the corner from these lakes. What I didn't know was where the hell Jerry's place was. Turn right, and then right. That was the gist of the directions. Alright. Doc told me they'd be driving his parent's car. Nope. No sign of it. There was only one thing left to do. Stop in at the Na-Tah-Ka have a burger and a beer and ask some of the locals where they might be.

Smoke swirled out of the Na-Tah-Ka as I opened the busted screen-door entrance. My eyes adjusted to the dark interior. A couple of mean looking locals looked up from their pool game. A few twirled around in their barstools to get a glimpse of the outsider. Most people dropped their voices and it appeared that everyone in the place was staring at me with cautious eyes. I confronted the bartender.

"I'm looking for Doc Braz!" I shouted
"Nobody here by that name son."
"Tall hairless ape-looking fella. He should've came to town with a man named Domino." I added.
"I'm sorry." The pool players went back to their game. People continued their conversations and twirled back towards the bar.
"Hugo De La Rossa?" I asked.
"No."
"Jackson Chutney." Looking for any sign of hesitation.
"No son."
"May have been here before with a Baby Chambers?"
"I don't know any of these people kid." The bartender was starting to get annoyed.
"Wang Chambers?"
"No."
"Bunny and Koko have never been here?" The jukebox stopped. The pool player misfired so badly the cue ball went through the side window. An elderly woman fainted and the bartender turned white.
"Koko ain't here. But you'll find Bunny in the back with the others. We don't want no trouble now. Would you like a whiskey?"
"Sure." I said as he led me towards the back of the building.

Nestled in the corner was Sam Kaplan, our attorney Jack Scheffield, and of course Domino Brooks and Dr. T. Barry Brazleton. The four of them sat there inconspicuously shoving Na-Tah-Ka Burgers in their faces and pouring pitchers of Stroh's down their throats. After a brief greeting and drink they caught me up to their day's activities. Having been drinking for hours already they were just starting to sober up for a second go-around. I would be at the center of the aftershock. They hadn't even checked in yet with Jerry.

Sure enough Jerry's place was exactly where Doc Braz had told me it was. We jumped out of the trucks and greeted Jerry and Jane Olafsson and our old friend Kid Compton. We had to get out on that pontoon boat before nightfall. Almost immediately we were on the high seas. As soon as we got out there the other boats scattered from the foul language and lewd acts on display. The game of Three Man is not for the feint-hearted or those under 21 years of age.

Three Man is an epic drinking game that has shifted and manifested itself in many different forms throughout history. The game, usually played with dice, has also been seen in a playing card format as well. When playing with more than one member of Conclamo Ludus they game takes on our infamous house rules developed last year by a steering committee headed up by Doc Brazleton. At the time we had planned a World Series of Three Man competition, but the even was canceled due to a lack of willing competitors. Basically the rules break down like this:

The dice are passed around the circle. The first person to roll a three of any kind is officially Three Man. When playing at Conclamo Ludus the Three Man identifier is the person wearing the mandress. Three Man always wears the mandress. Three Man must drink whenever a three is rolled. The person who has the dice keeps rolling until nobody drinks and then passes them to the next person. Three Man has a chance to "open" the Three Man position back up by rolling another three next time it is their turn. Inevitably Three Man will have to drink a lot. This is what each dice roll value means:

2 - Mama Bird - SEE BELOW
3 - Three Man Drinks Twice. This is also known as Three Man "The Hard Way".
4 - Three Man or Doubles - SEE BELOW
5 - Three Man or nobody.
6 - To the Island (Everyone Drinks) or Doubles. Double Three's will make you become Three Man right away without the Three Man having to be "open".
7 - To the Right. The person sitting to the right of you drinks. Three Man drinks if there is a three involved of course.
8 - Social. Everyone drinks. Three Man drinks twice if a three is involved.
9 - Nothing. Pass the Dice. Unless a Three is involved, then Three Man drinks and dice stay in possession.
10 - Nothing. Pass the Dice. Unless Doubles are rolled.
11 - To the Left. The person to the left of you drinks.
12 - Doubles.

Mama Bird - This is what keeps most people out of the game. If someone rolls two ones, better known as Snake Eyes, they must "Mama Bird" the person to the right of them. The Mama Bird was brought to the game as a tribute to Lance Corporal Danny Fitzpatrick who once cleared out the better half of a large Halloween party by gloriously demonstrating the Mama Bird on Dr. Brazleton. Borrowed from our aviary friends, a good Mama Bird knows how to feed her baby birds. When in the position of Mama Bird you must simply feed your baby bird. This means passing a full mouth of whatever booze you're drinking into the mouth of your baby bird. The act is much more maternal than sexual, but regardless this weeds out the homophobes from playing Three Man. You have to be slightly secure to be able to do a mouth-to-mouth transfer of any fluid to someone of the same sex. Needless to say this is a largely misunderstood event in the game. It separates the men from the boys or the mama's from the baby's.

Doubles - In the event that someone rolls doubles they pass the dice to one or two other players of their choosing, this person must either roll doubles back at the person for them to drink, or add both dice and drink that many times. This occurs fairly frequently in the game. In the even that the dice are separated and passed to two people and they both roll a one, they are to "Double Mama Bird" the original roller. This can get messy.

There are many variations to Three man and the rules may change regionally or with different cultures. The above rules are the current Conclamo Ludus standards. Remember the key is speed. If the dice are in your hand roll them immediately over and over again. Roll. Drink. Roll. Drink. Etc. Its easy to pick up on.

When a game of Three Man broke out onboard the S.S. Olafsson I damn near went overboard laughing so hard. Kid Compton, Jane Olafsson, and I sat at the bow drinking and listening to Rachmaninoff while the others squared off in the ugliest Three Man game I had ever seen. As night fell we headed back to shore. We had to get back to Na-Tah-Ka. The nightshift was starting.

We stormed the tavern and dug our foxholes near the jukebox. Doc Braz instinctively took command and stood on the table directing us while raising the Conclamo Ludus flag. This would be our base.

"You! Have a Na-Tah-Ka Burger!" He pointed at me.
"Domino start downing whiskey now!"
"Sam start doing shots you piece of shit your getting married soon!"
"Jerry start playing pool."
"Kid Compton! Hit on a waitress and start a fight!"
"Let's get these tents up, get your foxholes dug. We should expect heavy opposition!"

He started pouring money into the jukebox and had the next fifteen hours lined up with classic drinking songs. My God, I though, there's still a dinner crowd in here. They aren't going to know what to do. We've got to get them out of here. We don't need any civilian casualties. The waitress started shelling us round after round of the heaviest hitting booze you could think of. Sam Kaplan was the first to fall, but Jack Scheffield was right behind him. Doc Braz hoisted him up in a fireman's carry and brought him back to the bunker. Domino was keeping his cool, so far anyway. Kid Compton with his finely tuned Asshole Skills, was accusing some poor kid of cheating at pool, the guy was clearly shaken up by it and didn't want to end up in a fight. Jane & Jerry Olafsson were both holding their own but were being held up behind a overturned table barricade. I began wildly snapping pictures, wait till the boys see this back home, I thought. More booze! Our trenches just weren't deep enough. Just in time reinforcements arrived. It was none other than General Lenny Vaughan, Paulie Franzac and the legendary Jack Tack. Each of them had come under heavy fire and were staggering in the bar to rendezvous with Conclamo Company.

Jack Tack was clearly obliterated and had just tagged in Kid Compton's pool game which was down to the final shot. This is no good, I thought. Jack's too drunk. The locals were laughing at him. The final shot of the game was a difficult one and Jack could hardly stand. He grabs the cue and leans all of his weight onto the side of the table. He pulls back and fires the eight ball home. I'm not sure if he was even sober enough to realize he had made the shot and he walked off towards the bar as though nothing had happened. The local boy ponied up his $250 to Kid Compton who snatched it out of his hand, the poor kid sauntered off with tail between his legs, none of the locals would make eye contact with us after that.

Lenny Vaughan and Paulie Franzac kept the whiskey river flowing in our direction. You may remember Lenny Vaughan as the man who is the boss of Dr. Brazleton. When him and Paulie get drinking together bars start rethinking their inventory. At the height of the night Doc Braz started rounding up people for a group photo. It is probably the greatest photo ever taken with my camera. The next morning I woke up at dawn hungover and confused. I was in my truck parked on the shoreline of Loon Lake. I staggered towards Jerry's one-room cabin. Huddled up on the floor were 6-8 bodies wrapped in whatever makeshift blankets they could find. I could barely tell who was who. Domino had used a large garbage bag as a sleeping bag, Jack Scheffield was sucking his thumb trying to wrap a couch cushion around him like a blanket to no avail. Doc Braz was spooning Sam Kaplan. Kid Compton had climbed into bed between Jane & Jerry. I kicked Dr. B. No reaction. I felt for a pulse. It was faint, but enough to wake him. We hopped in my truck and were on the rode by 6:30 AM. Hauling ass down the Michigan highways at sunrise, we were both able to sleep all the way back to GR.

Hope you all had a great fourth of July weekend. Stay tuned for pictures from the night at Na-Tah-ka coming tomorrow.

From the battlefield,
Porter Langley

July Justice: Summer in Full Swing

2004-07-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

Not much to report today, but I wanted to check in before the 3-day weekend. This weekend Conclamo Ludus will be jaunting off to sunny Irons, Michigan for a celebration featuring Sam Kaplan, long-time Conclamo Ludus friend and confidante. Sam Kaplan will soon be wed to Calico Pryce, his beautiful bride to be. We'll make sure he gets his fill of gambling, boozing, partying, and colorful language this Friday night. There may be some pictures.

Tuesday this week brought us a surprise visit from the infamous Jolly Roger. Domino, Jolly, and I sat on the porch going over the late summer Conclamo Ludus calendar of events. In mid-August Conclamo Ludus will take its show to the great north. Lewiston, Michigan to be exact. Lewiston will be the site of the greatest wedding celebration of our lives. Its the Montagues and Capulets of northern Michigan getting married, minus the whole poison suicide mix-up. Details are still sketchy at this point regarding the reception, but word has it Coors has upped their output for the month of August to make up for the drain we are goint to put on Lewiston. Of course Conclamo Ludus will be host to the, yet-to-be-named mystery groom's bachelor party, at the Hartford Fish & Game Society in, none other than, sunny Irons, Michigan. Looks like Irons is the place to end your bachelorhood forever. Stay tuned for more information.

Enjoy the weekend and be safe! For Conclamo Ludus sightings this weekend I would recommend either Na-Ta-Ka in Irons, we'll probably end up behind the bar, or The Dublin General Store on Saturday morning. Because you can't leave Lake County without picking up some Ape Jerkey on the way out of town.

Love,
Porter Langley

2004-06-29T20:25:00.000-04:00

Kenny Wayne Shepherd with Tommy Shannon on bass eclipsing Chris Layton in the background. Yes, that's Double Trouble.

2004-06-29T20:22:00.000-04:00

Killer Kowalski and Domino Brooks grab a drink at the Nitecap. Domino had gone through hell and back to get The Doors visor back on his head. It was one of the main objectives for the weekend to get it back from whoever had run away with it. We found it behind the bar at the Nitecap. Nobody knows, sorry remembers, how it got there.

2004-06-29T20:18:00.000-04:00

Kenny Wayne Shepherd plays his guitar faster than my camera can snap a picture.

2004-06-29T20:17:00.000-04:00

Nigel & Cecille Harris of Flushing Michigan at the Clio Amphitheatre